10:48a

my moment to hurl
before I truly begin my day today, i need to purge the crap
that's been pervading my system since yesterday
...actually, it's really been over the last 3 months.

it's truly amazing how there are places
on this earth
where the most awful, unhealthy, horrific
systems are in place.
And as much as you think you can change them,
they resist simply because to them there is only one
way, one solitary way of dealing.

plain and simply that is the kind of place I left last friday.
My experience was far from rosy. but my experience
just yesterday with them left me feeling like I got
hit by a truck!

It's terribly horrific in that place.
The dynamics in play most definitely mimick that of a
batterer/domestic violence victim relationship...the very thing we are tying to combat.

In the three months that I worked there I've felt
fear,
anger,
betrayal,
paranoia,
intimidation,
frustration.

I've experienced
lack of communication,
withholding of information as a means to hold power,
a divide and conquer approach to control people,
a hierachical/patriarchical system of management in an all female organization,
a lack of inclusion of all voices in decision making and problem solving,
unfair labor practices,
unfair firing practices,
unfair hiring practices,
a lack of openness to team work and cohesiveness,
a very corporate (thus not effective...to say the least) approach to accomplishing our
mission and vision

I've been treated
like I was an idiot
like i was beneath another
like I was nothing more than a worker.

I was never challenged
to think, analyze and make impacting decisions

I was never given the opportunity to truly express my voice
in many different arenas where my past experience and diverse skills could have been of value.

In those respects, therefore, I was never truly valued or given the respect that I deserved.

Overall, my feeling is this:
I WILL NEVER, EVER BE OR SUBSCRIBE TO ANY OF THE THINGS
THIS PLACE REPRESENTS AND IS.

As much as I have been affected by this awful, evil, backwards place,
they will never take away the humanity in me.
They HAVE NOT changed my ideals, values and perspectives of how
things should be.
In fact, they have only solidified my beliefs in everything that is opposite of them.

I'm not bitter, or angry, or afraid or any of those negative things.
They have not taken away my spirit.
Instead, I am sad...gravely saddened by the actual existence and continuation of this place
...by closed minds in there that will never, ever be open to what's just and what's positive.

I really and truly pray for change, though, specifically for the
sake of my friends who are still left in that terrible, terrible place.
I would not have made it without them over these last 3 months.
And besides that, they deserve more...so MUCH MORE than what they are being given.
It's that simple.

They were, literally, the only good things in place there, most especially...
My friend, "cinammon sugar", who's taught me the meaning of true patience, undeniable strength and laughter.
My friend, "boojie", a true class act, who's one to reckon with. She's taught me that self respect is number one,
and to never let anyone or anything take that away.
My first friend, "peacekeeper", who I owe soooo much to for preparing me for what was to come. She's given me,
quite simply, a peaceful perspective on how to deal with conflicts.
And last, but certainly not least...

My FOUNDATION and friend, "lost driver",
who was my advocate, ally, personal counselor,
"process" partner, the only one who spoke the same "language"...you name it.
I swear, if that place could only see
the true intelligence,
talent,
dedication
and (most of all) integrity
that she has to offer, that place would be the best damn place to work.

*sigh*

SHE was what made it so worthwhile to be there, to fully experience and
evaluate and find value in my time within that hell hole.
She helped me...just be.
And, truly, I cannot express in words what it meant to have her by my side.

All I can say is, she didn't have to go out of her way to be the kind of friend she was,
especially after I'd only been there for less than 3 months.
But she was...in the most genuine and sincere way, amongst having to deal with her own problems.
That's what intregrity is, in the most purest form.

And that is the biggest lesson she's taught me:
how to have integrity.
And, truly, she is one of the few people I've been blessed to know who lives life with it.
For me, she is a friend for life.

*bigger sigh*

thank goodness for blogs! OKAY!
this is perhaps the best way to "vomit" the crap out of one's system.
it just feels good to not have to justify my feelings
or thoughts. this is me. this is it. period!
end of discussion.

and now I laugh: HAHAHAHAHA
as I remember what my friend, "boojie", told me:

"So you just go on and run with the rest of your life, girl"

...that i will. that i will.