i want to be a "teetser"
while getting my blood sucked out of me into three viles at the hospital lab this morning,
my random thought process led me to a remarkable epiphany:
I want to become an educator.

Here's how my random thought process went as the Pinay Phlebotomist
drained my veins:
- "uh oh, here comes the needle"...
- "oh, i barely felt a thing"...
- "damn, I can't believe I still had to pay a $5 co-pay for this lab test"...
- "I should really look into Blue Cross/Blue Shield"...
- "I'm glad we have a local hospital that has a well-developed maternity program"...
-"I'd want to give birth there, esp. since they have midwives and doulas like El said"...
-"It sucks how pre-natal care is not easily accessible to underserved/low income communities.."
- "I'd want to set up a program like that to provide free & accessible education to those communities"...
- "Maybe I could use my background in massage therapy..."
(by now - 2 min. later - the Pinay Phlebotomist had completely filled all three viles and bid me a nice day)

dunno if it's cause i'd been fasting for over twelve hours
for this blood test,
or because of my conversation with El about health care plans & Doulas,
or because of the insightful words B filled my head with last night,
but
somehow that epiphany made so much sense.
it's that one thing I have been looking for to invest my life in...the thing
that will allow me to be an effective resource in the community,
which is a value that has been central to everything I am about.
*sigh*

it's nice to have a little direction.

quality time
it's always cool to get that random phone call from my brother
asking if he can come over to hang out since he is in the area.
so what did we do when he arrived?...'WATCHED the lineup of shows for Tuesday night.
Most of them were season premieres. Comedies.

We started out with "8 Simple Rules". I wanted to catch the speech

arrrgggg!

dammit...I hate it when I type up a blog entry
and then accidentally erasing it!

back to work...sort of
went to work half day today because i had my physical exam.
it's good to schedule these things in the afternon
cause then I have an excuse to only work half the day.
'not going into the spa tonight either, thank goodness.

'had lunch at Pasta Pomodoro after my exam and
totally pigged out.
I even had dessert this time: panna cotta with strawberries.
yum.
'made a list of things i need to accomplish with my
free afternoon.
'was home yesterday recuperating from the dehydration
on sunday, so 'didn't really do much.
especially since it was super hot.

'thank goodness the weather has cooled down.
I am sooooo over the sun and heat waves.
This afternoon when i got into my hot car
to drive to my appointment,
i literally gagged from the stupid heat.
I think i'm finally ready for fall.
Shit...make it winter - bring the cold on!

shoulda, coulda, will...do next time
I should've taken the opportunity that i had today.
It sucks when you do not feel safe to say the things
in your mind because you know others have already
assumed all these things about you
based on what they have seen - with no feedback from you.

why do people do that?

why are people so egoistic and arrogant to think
that they know you just because of a), b), c)????

I guess it's wrong of me to assume that even the nicest,
smartest people around have all the necessary
skills to communicate effectively with others.

effectiveness.

heh....that word makes me laugh.

effectiveness = being a good communicator = giving constructive criticism, not just the negative stuff

effectiveness (as a leader) = letting your team mates in on your future plans with your goals and creating buy-in by including the feedback of the team

effectivess (as a leader) = acknowledging and remembering the strengths and assets that each team member brings

effectiveness (as a leader) = giving your team members space to grow and providing guidance towards goals

sheeeit....even I know these basics....and I don't even have an advanced degree!
*shakes head*

thank goodness I remember what I am made of
and that I let no one bring me down.

a star-studded weekend
(or, as El would call it, "My Star Stalker Weekend")
i don't even know where to begin except to say that i am STILL
on cloud 9 from seeing Roger and Andy Taylor of Duran Duran up close.
YES, UP CLOSE!

I'm telling you, it was all in the cards...
* If I hadn't chosen to go pee before getting in line to buy a D2 -shirt after the concert
* If me and the bf didn't take the longer route to get back to the parking garage
* If I didn't have to pee a second time near the back stage area

...I wouldn't have been part of a small herd of 30-40 year old women
that actually ran to and caught up with the van that was driving Andy and Roger Taylor!!!!!

Lucky for us, they were at a stop, so we surrounded the van and completely regressed to our
teeny bopper days, waving and screaming at them...oh my gawd, we were all INSANE!!!!
They were nice enough to appease us by waving back.
Although, Roger kinda gave us this goofy wave at one point.
I don't blame him, we all musta looked pretty stupid in our fanatic state...'kinda like
monkies in a zoo! ;)

But I swear, after that AND the awesome performance they gave, 'couldn't help
but feel like I coulda died right there. Life was complete. (I'm such a dork!)

baking like a lechon for 4 hours was worth it
so we started our sunday waiting in line to get into Sharon Meadows at Golden
Gate Park. We were waiting a good couple of hours and
befriended a couple of really cool folks, Nikki and Anthony
(aka Talula and Sven)...they were hilarious to hang out with!

It was pretty amazing to see all these 30-50 year olds,
some wearing vintage Duran Duran t-shirts and one lady
even had the satin D2 jacket (which I wanted more than
food back in the day), all together in one spot.
I forget that D2 is 20 years older (probably now in their late 40's),
so of course their fans are older.

We eventually got inside and laid our towels on the green grass.
It was a beautiful, perfect day.
Not a cloud was in site.
There was also no shade to take refuge in, so we slathered on
the sunscreen.

They started the show pretty quickly with Maroon 5.
AMAZING!
I love listening to them live. The lead singer's voice is
just as good.
Me and the BF were totally into their music.

Unfortunately, while waiting for the next performer, Liz Phair,
the onset of dehydration began.
My poor bf was getting a headache and just looking miserable.
And while I was walking around to find shade, i felt like throwing up
the delicious bratwurst I had inhaled earlier.
Me and the bf were in this state for a good 2 hours while
trying to rehydrate with as many bottles of water as possible.

Luckily, by the time Seal performed,
there were these two women that rudely stood in front of us.
It actually worked to our advantage, though, as we used them for shade.
If it weren't for them, I don't know how I would've gotten my body temperature down.
'Also doused my hair with some water to cool down a bit more so that by the time
it was Duran Duran's turn to take center stage,
I was ready to get up and go craZY.

And that I did.

still the best concert experience ever
the hysteria that is Duran Duran glided on stage as if
no time had passed.
and damn, THEY LOOKED GOOD!!!!
Still rockstars in their more debonaire duds.

And for all you John Taylor fans, may I say that the man
has aged quite well, to say the least.
In other words..HOT...that man is HOT!
*shakes head*

And I guess it's cause I'm older
and can appreciate more than just them looking hot,
but damn that Andy Taylor can strum a guitar!
He rocks!
All of them were on fire. 'Still haven't lost the magic,
cause everyone was on their feet screaming and
rocking to the music AND singing the words!!!
I felt like I was getting a taste of what the whole
Beattle-mania thing is all about.

I honestly cannot remember what song they started out with,
but the whole performance was amazing.
I'm surprised i didn't lose my voice, cause I couldn't stop screaming.

Looking out into the crowd, I could just feeel the love.
All these people were just as crazy about them as me
and dammit, it was great to be among their company,
especially those even crazier girls that chased Roger and Andy's van
with me, not caring about getting hit by cars passing.
My poor bf just ran after me in support. He got a good glimps of them too.
hehehe...I just remember hearing one of the women's boyfriends going,
"hey, watch out for the cars!" Of course, none of us listened.

Oh and of course, I can't leave out that
there were 4 or 5 women that got up on people's shoulders
and waved their naked breasts all for the band.
Needless to say, that was a treat for the bf.
It was funny looking at John and Simon's faces, though,
while this was going on. You could tell that it was difficult to concentrate.
But hello? they were the ones that asked for it.
Those guys...'still haven't lost their sense of humor or stage power...even in their late 40's.
My bf was quite impressed.


surreal
When all was said and done, my dehydrated, charred like bbq ass was
beside herself with complete excitement and amazement.
I'm telling you, there has yet to be a concert experience as great as these
couple of Duran Duran concerts that I've been to (my first one being in 1984).
Mayvbe it's because I'm such a fanatic, but whatever. Whatever moves me, moves me.

I still cannot believe that I had the opportunity to see them live again.
It's a bit surreal, especially since all of this time has passed.
If someone told me back in 5th grade that i would watch them perform again
in 18 years AND see Roger and Andy Taylor up close, i seriously would not believe them.

What's even more cool is how your spirit remembers so much about that time when prompted...
*somehow the words to their songs that you thought were buried in your memory banks spill out as you
hear them play,
*your heart pounds when you see them
*you instinctively yell and scream and act like a complete nut AND run after their van
in the middle of traffic, so you can yell and scream and act like a complete nut
in front of their face.
*shakes head*
ai yah!

But to still be able to appreciate their music (albeit with different ears and a little more maturity),
is a pretty awesome thing.
Seeing them yesterday and listening to this digitally enhanced Rio album that my
girl, R, gave me on Sat as a gift,
I realize that these guys were and still are talented, talented musicians.
I was able to watch three of their old videos from this CD (Hungry Like the Wolf, Save a Prayer, and Rio)
and you know, they really were pioneers of the music video, too!
I could seriously go on and on for hours about it.
I'm just feelin' pretty lucky that I was swept up in the whole D2 craze...surreal, but
amazing to be part of that time in history.
And dammit, the whole thing just keeps me feeling young at heart...that's the best part of all!!!

my star-studded weekend part II
(or as El would call it, "My Star Stalker Weekend" Part II)

as incredibly crazy as I am about the men of Duran Duran,
I was lucky enough to spend time with the true
stars of my weekend: E&B, C&A, C, R and the bf.
We all got together (minus R - but I spent time with her later in the evening)to watch our friend Len's big screen directorial debut in "Underworld".
I was quite surprised that our gathering worked out as planned
until Friday when everything just came together.

I was so excited to see all of them in front of the theaters on Satursday morning.
Although I thought we were early, me and the bf were actually the laggers
of the group.
It was probably the first time we had seen a movie together
since 8th grade when
we watched "Some Kind of Wonderful"
on one of our half days.
hehe...that was the only time I could sneak away to hang out with friends
outside of school.
It was like the sweetest "crime" back then since my parents were always so strict. ;)

Thank goodness we had a little bit of time before the movie
to catch up, which is always my fav. part.
I was still shocked that E (who is supposed to be on a doctor-ordered bedrest)
was sitting next to me telling me about her wooden floors.
Thankfully, the little guy inside her tummy didn't pop out to say hello.
Damn, that's love.

from suburbia to suburbia
watching the movie was purely inspirational and awe inspiring.
although the critic's reviews of the movie were not the best
(trust me, i think i've read them all)
Len did an amazing, amazing job!
I mean, seriously,
how often does an almost unknown director get backing
from Sony pictures for the first screenplay he has ever written?
AND, get Kate Beckinsale to play in the lead?
Inspiring.

Throughout the movie, I could not help but think
damn, Len went from writing skits for spirit week at our suburban high school
to directing a hollywood film
that I was sitting there watching
in our suburban movie theater.
I guess it's true what they say: "The more things
change, the more they stay the same".

And to top off the whole experience,
I spoke with J later that day, one of Len's closest friends, who told me
that he relayed our congratulations and best wishes to
him the day before.
Apparently, he caught Len on his cell phone
just as he was about to sneak into a movie theater in
London to catch the audience's reaction of his movie,
so Len was not able to talk long.
However, Len relayed his appreciation for our well-wishes
and that just made the whole experience worth it.

just when i thought the day couldn't get any better
a brief check-in about the movie and 15-mins worth of goodbyes later,
me and C were able to spend some more quality time over lunch.

This woman has been inspiring me since 7th grade when i first met her,
and our conversation over Japanese food that afternoon was no different.
I've always been amazed at the similar paths we walk/perspectives
we have even though
we rarely ever see eachother.

As usual, she gave me a lot to take home and think about
and help me in my many confusions over things.
It was also nice catching up with her life.
I learned so much.
Spending time with her and the rest of the ladies was seriously
a breath of fresh air!!!!

And of course, I HAD to have my very own movie
review/check-in with E over the phone.
Cause there is wayyy too much goin' on her hilarious noggin' to pass up
an opportunity to hear it for yourself.
And as usual, I was not disappointed.
The woman left me in stitches all through my drive to the city where I
met with my girl, R, for our wedding reception "date" later that evening.
And, hello? She also surprised me with...no, not a corsage for our "date"....
even better: A digitally enhanced CD of Duran Duran's album, RIO!

What the hell did I do to deserve such an awesome time this weekend?

All i can say is, my heart and soul is F U L L.

oh HELLLL NO!

as it so happens, I was right.
the 10p show that I thought was about
my friend, Len's, movie wasn't it.
'shoulda paid more attention to the title of the show:
"Fang Vs. Fiction: The Real Underworld of Vampires".

hehe....there's no wayyy I'm hangin' out for an hour to watch
the history of these ghoulish creatures.
It's bad enough that I'm gonna watch "Underworld"
when I am theee biggest scaredy cat in the world.

There's enough scary images lurking in my mind already.
There's really no need to fill it up with more, but
you know, since it isn't everyday that one
actually went to school with and knows
a Hollywood movie director, I might
as well suck it in and watch the movie anyway.

damn...the things we do for people.

when all else fails, check tv guide
So i did.
and the show I'm trying to watch is on tomorrow at 4:30p on BET:
"Movie Special: Underworld".
'better get my VCR ready.
unless....I call in sick tomorrow? ;)

9:01p

current stats: full from food (again...this time Carl's Jr. burger & fries), feeling un-fresh from the onions I ate, excited but worried that the show I'm waiting to watch isn't really the making of Underworld movie like I thought, feeling itchy, and happy to be blogging to the new John Mayer album - btw, it's another awesome work of art!

'can't believe I haven't mentioned him yet
speaking of John Mayer's new album,
there's a couple of songs that I've been
really diggin' on lateley:
"Bigger Than My Body" - cause of the writing and the meaning
"New Deep" - cause of the melody and the writing
"Split Screen Sadness" - cause the melody floats in my head 24/7

The album cover is just as creative as the
writing. You gotta check it out for yourself.
It's very John Mayer-esque.
It's not just some pretty catchy design.

blah
I'm in a state of blah.
Not the bad kind of blah.
Not the good kind of blah (if there even is such a thing).
I'm just...blah.

I think I've been inhalinh too many carbs again.
That usually does it - that, and not enough cardio.
It's not like a painful feeling.
It's more of a mind-numbing sensation.

I'm not worried.
I just need a litte more oxygen.

But aside from that,
it was quite the treat to actually engage in a deep conversation today.
I was about 15 minutes away from the end of my work day
when my friend from LA LA land AIMed me.
Funny. I was just thinking of him earlier today, too.

He's someone that's been going through the same
intense
worry-wart kind of episodes that I've been having.
And though his worries revolve around different things,
it all comes from the same place as my own "stuff".

Come to think of it,
I don't think I've been so wrapped up in "things"
as I am now.
Or maybe i just can't remember.
I must admit, though, that I haven't been on the roller
coaster as much as before.
Either I've given in or just given up.
Either way, I'm ok with where I am.
It's better than feeling like throwing up everyday!

And so the question remains: what the hell do I do next?
'been asking myself that for years.
I've gotten an answer a couple of times
but for the most part, the answer eludes me.
Seriously, it's so much easier when a rock hits you on the head.
Maybe I'm just so used to that happening that i cannot
function without it.

Sometimes, I think it's probably just easier
for me to heed Mr. Mayer's words for a little while:

"New Deep" - John Mayer

I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
a night in my mind
so I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out
just how boring I am
and have a good time

cause ever since I've tried
trying not find
every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
with my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
talk is the same cheap
it's been

Is there a god?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd,
when he knows my address?
and look at the stars
Don't it remind you
just how feeble we are?
Will it used to I guess

cause ever since I've tried
trying not find
every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
with my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
talk is the same cheap
it's been

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne
and you wouldn't know me
if you're eyes were closed.
I know what you'll say
this won't last longer than the rest of the day.
But you're wrong this time.
You're wrong.

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing tonight

Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down
You know I used to be the back porch poet
with my book of lines
always open all the time
I'm probably
never gonna find the perfect line
for heavier things

11:40p

among the goats and fruit trees
as a kid, I always hated going out to my cousin's
house in the central valley.
it was more like a farm.
there was never anything to do.
no atari (hence, no centipede to keep me entertained).
no cable tv.
no malls
or stores to spend time in.
it was all just goats and acres and acres of fruit trees
and crops.
as a kid, it wasn't my idea of fun.

i guess i was always conditioned to think this way
based on my childhood experience.
hence, i always dreaded going to the central valley to
visit my relatives on my dad's side, even though
they are some of the nicest, loving, genuine and humblest people i've come to know...
even though all of them now live in the suburbian
part of the central valley, complete with video games, cable tv
and tons of malls.

it's a shame i never really got to know them because of my
inability to step out of my comfort zone more often to visit them
out there.

but then this saturday, surrounded by my family in the central valley,
celebrating one of my younger cousin's recent marriage and
soon-to-arrive baby girl,
i started a conversation with one of my older cousins
that i will never forget.
it all began with my question: "Did you know Amang (our lolo)?"

Ever since i can remember, i've always wished i grew up knowing my lolo & lola
from the way my dad has talked about them.
Dad always described Amang and Inang as humble, genuine, loving and down-to-earth parents
who were loved by everyone in their town.

How could they not?
Amang was one of the town's mailmen who made friend's with everyone and was
probably the town's best storyteller,
and Inang was one of the sweetest, gentlest women...a complement to
Amang's very sociable and outgoing personality.

My cousin described him in the same way
except he added aspects of Amang from his own experience
growing up with him.
Of all the cousins, he and his other brother and sister were the only
ones that really grew up knowing Amang and Inang because
they lived with them.

According to his story, Amang used to take him to cock fights - one of
Amang's hobbies. Apparently he knew his sport well and was considered
an expert by the rest of his competitors.
And Inang...she would always call upon my cousin to buy food at the market.
Apparently, my cousin went to the market for them so often that
he was the only one who knew where Inang kept her secret stash of money
in their basement.

I was soaking in every word my cousin was sharing.
And all I could think of was, "i can't believe I have missed
out on this conversation for so many years".
I was completely humbled by and appreciative of that moment.

Then for confirmation, I asked my cousin if Amang really
was the best story teller in town as my dad had described
a hundred times before.
What he said next almost brought tears to my eyes:
"Yeah, Amang was the best. Actually he and your dad were so much alike."

My cousin continued on:
"I remember when your dad would come home from Manila,
word would spread fast in the town and all the kids would
come to our house and wait for him to tell his stories. And your dad,
he loved talking about all the movies he watched in Manila, especially
the war movies. Those were his favorite......"

How amazing it was to find out that all this time
I really did get a chance to grow up knowing my
grandfather, Amang.

And how amazing it was to look around me and see
the very essence of who my grandparents were
and what they were about.

current stats: full from pho, happy to be away from work (at least for the next 12 hours), energized from drinking a chocolate milk tea from Quickly (apparently it is also popular in the PI's), feeling a little guilty about not having worked out yet, but happy to be decked out in my "pang-bahay" shorts & 2nd favorite t-shirt while typing out this blog in bed via bf's lap top. :)

the bitch that is monday
as usual, monday brought a wealth of case files to process & prioritize......
and of course another wonderful gift in the mail to get the week started
on the right foot: another rejected application from the INS.
trouble is, this is the second time this thing has been sent back.
'boy did this nice suprise get my gastric juices flowing for yet
another uldcer-inducing episode.
...I think my boss said it best when she arrived at 10 am
and saw this lovely package waiting for her,
"I wish this week was over already!!!!"

luckily, the rest of the super-busy day went off without a hitch.
gawd, i'm soooo praying that tomorrow the devil
doesn't roll out on his red carpet to fuck up the rest of my wweek.
for some reason, it always happens that way...tuesday...
the drama always gets worse on tuesdays.

12 hours of complete bliss
thank goodness my sunday treated me much too
well. better than i deserved.
i think i surpassed my all time record for lazying around...
try 12 hours of tv surfing on my living room couch...
and i wasn't even sick or was on doctor-ordered bed rest -
no excuse what-so-ever!

let's see... I caught quite the plethora of tv viewing pleasure.
'started off by taking turns watching football and Trading Spaces (about 3 episodes)
with the bf. May I say that Picture in Picture ("pip") is perhaps one of
man's greatest inventions. ;)

then, moved on to "Police Cops" on Animal Planet.
Found out that there actually exists obsessive/compulsive "animal collectors"....
people who have to have a gazillion pets. it's a disorder that is apparently commonplace.

The guy they featured had 150 cats living in filth and squalor in his home
because he could no longer support them, but did not have the heart
to give them up (all due to his disorder).
that's right, one-hundred-and-fifty!
He could have very easily had his first couple of cats "fixed"
to keep this overpopulation from happening.
but unfortunately, people with his disorder are unable to
have that kind of common sense.

The disgusting thing was, that near the end of the 8-hour
day that the humane society spent cleaning out
this house of 150 cats,
they discovered more as they made their way to the basement.
by the end of their 2-day stint at this man's home,
they cleaned out....250 cats (a few corpses, but most were alive)!!!
GAWD, what an awful, awful thing to have to get paid to do!
poor cats, too.

anyway, i was soon turned on to the Road Rules marathon on MTV.
I had to catch up, since the season finale is less than an hour away.
i told myself i'd at least do laundry, but just as i thought of that,
the Road Rules marathon was over and the PLanet of the Apes marathon
began.

I've always been intrigued by it because, for the life of me,
i never saw one Planet of the Apes movie from beginning to end.
And as it turns out, from the Planet of the Apes documentary that they
also showed, there are actually 6 Planet of the Apes movies!...yes,
5 sequels. Actually, the last 4 were actually prequels, even though they
didn't call it that.

unfortunately, all these years,
I have seen at least one or two scenes from all 6 of the movies.
but because I never saw any one movie from beginning to end,
I've always thought that there was only 1 movie.
see? 12 hours on the couch wasn't that unproductive or brain-numbing1 ;)

but most importantly, as I was flipping the channels, I discovered that they are going to show
the making of Underworld, my friend's movie, on AMC this Wednesday night
at 10p. I hope you're reading this, Ell.
As usual, i was jumping and screaming again cause I know i'll get to see Len
talking about his movie.
I'm totally excited.

They are also showing it on BET this Thursday night at...I forgot the time.

I didn't know i ate beef for dinner!
I wish i could say I was paying homage to the porcelain god
because i had one too many kamikaze shots
and a crazy night of partying.
but as luck would have it, I was merely suffering from
the worst headache known to man...all caused by
stiff neck and back muscles - my reward for working at a desk 40
hours a week.

I woke up around 2:30 Sat morning and tried to alleviate the pain
by stretching and massaging my neck and back.
but my body just wasn't havin' it.
the tightness was there to stay a little longer.

i decided to try to go back to sleep when
an overwhelming feeling came over me and forced me
to book my ass to the nearest toilet possible.

but as soon as I got there, i could barely bend down
to make a clear shot, when BAMMMM....
everything imaginable shot out of my mouth (and nose...ewww!)
like water rushing down Niagara falls (but grosser)

and because the distance between the source and
the end of my disgusting version of niagara falls was
too great,
guess what splashed back up all over my entire legs
and bathroom floor?
'wish the laws of physics didn't have to apply
so consistently sometimes. :(

at least i felt better after that and could go back to sleep.

new "photo-blogger"
it's really inspiring to watch someone grow from their
passions and inspirations.
now, the rest of the world can see and experience his journey with him.

another ulcer-inducing week survived!
where the hell do I begin?
my GAWD this week was a mix of hell and happines.
what's up with that?
*sigh*

'did really well this week with my workouts.
'worked out for 4 days straight:
Saturday - 40 min cardio & abs
Sunday - same
Monday - woke up at 5:30am yes, hard to believe,
and did 30 min cardio & abs
Tuesday - the official start of hell week...but I did a 15
min. jog around the neighborhood at 7am

I am proud of myself.
After 4 days of physical activity
I didn't crave anything.
'was totally satisfied just sitting there,
drinking my water and eating when
I needed to.
'Also felt great. 'didn't feel all shitty and heavy like usual.
also, realized that my emotional dependence on food
ceased.
(boy do i sound like a journal entry from a Jenny Craig participant)

'gonna continue the workout tomorrow morning and sunday
and will hopefully make it the whole week next week.

why does the devil like me so much?
so there I am, Tuesday morning, feeling like I'm on top of the world
cause my heart is actually beating normally.
I had, like, a gazillion times more energy to spare.
'had my day set, handled, scheduled it out just fine.

then, BAMMMMMM!
situations turned to shits again.
just when i thought i turned things around for myself.
just when i regained a new, fresh perspective from my
3-day weekend in LALA land..
someone flipped the switch when i wasn't looking.

'felt like SHIT all day on tuesday.
by the end of that day, I SWEAR i could feel an ulcer
developing.
my stomach was all in knots...I've never felt that sick in my life.
'ended my shitty day at about 8p at work.
THen came home and ended my day with a lovely conflict
with the bf. Thank goodness we communicate cause as
usual we were able to process stuff and come to a compromise.
at least i got to have lunch with my best friend, R...
the only ray of light in my day.

wednesday was no different.
'worked a little slower cause i didn't want to feel sick to my
stomach again.
This time, 'worked for almost 12 hours straight (from 7:30a-7:30p).
then, somehow by Thursday, things started to turn around for the better...
pretty ironic considering that it was the 2nd anniversary of the tragedy
of 9/11
and
the 32nd wedding anniversary of my parents.

'treated mom and dad to massages at the spa -
mom had a hot stone this time
and dad tried the thai massage.
both of them thoroughly enjoyed their treatments.
thank goodness for that cause
moms is a lot easier to deal with when she's relaxed.

then, the five of us: mom, dad, bro, the bf and me
had dinner at Cheesecake factory.
'saw the famous San Francisco twins.
'pigged out on their special Godiva chocolate
cheesecake....yum.
'came home full but happy to be able to spend time with everyone.

friday was just as great.
'was reunited with a friend i hadn't seen in 13 years
who i found out just works 1 block away from me.
'had lunch with close girlfriends
and found a way to get invited to one of their weddings.
I just wanna see the girl get married, that's all.
'don't care about the food or reception.
'just want to share in that part of her life,
especially since she's like a sister to me.

thank goodness the week turned out for the better.
'not sure if I can survive more of these ulcer-inducing weeks, but
at least I know I have survived this one.
there better be a damn reason for all of this, cause
it's definitely not a picnic!

8:31p

so much time...
so i did it.
My lazy ass actually woke up at 5:30a and made it to the
gym for 30 min of cardio, an ab workout and stretching (the whole body).
I felt great this morning.
and to top it off, I even had enough time to cook myself breakfast
and eat it: yummy oatmeal with peaches.

I got to work about 15 minutes late, but
it was all worth it
since I got to commute with my bf.
Of course, he slept the whole way on BART while I put on my make up
and planned my day, but
at least he was there next to me.

work was a crazy whirlwind!
whew! I was on my feet all day from making photocopies,
getting the mail, to rushing to do some last minute shopping
for my co-worker's baby shower gift (the shower was at lunch)
and preparing for the lunch time shower.

it turned out really nice.
it was great to meet my co-worker's wife, new baby and 2-yr old daughter.
they are such a nice family.
it was also just great to be able to socialize with my co-workers like that.
it's very rare that all of us get together to just hang out.
my other co-worker and i talked about how we should do this
at least once a month just so we all can create
a little more "community" in the office.

I was sad to go back to work but I had TONS of case files
and things to do on my Outlook "tasks" list.
The rest of the afternoon was pretty much all about me
running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
wow...my poor feet sure did get a work out.
they should really allow us to wear slippers in this office!

I rode home on BART with my BF feeling super tired and sleepy.
I was planning on sleeping the rest of the way home, but
I thought I should stretch out a bit. I figured that the reason
I was feeling so tired and sleepy may partly be due to my
tight neck and back muscles.
This contributes to less oxygen going into the brain
because the tight neck muscles are constricting
blood flow to the brain (hmmm...a little lecture I always tell my clients)

The stretching helped cause afterwards
I felt a bit more awake.

like looking in the mirror
it was kind of an ironic moment.
there I was in the elevator with another woman who
also picked up the mail from the mail room.
she looked sooo miserable and unhappy.
in fact, I had seen her before and her demeanor was the same then.

she complained with passion about how she felt this week would be a long one.
she expressed how much she hated working in her current job
and how she would rather be out in the sunshine.
I distinctly remember her saying, "I hate wasting my time here..."

I smiled and told her to hang in there and wished her a good work week.
She said, "thank you", in the most hopeless tone of voice with a face so long
that it could probably reach the 1st floor of our office building.

"Wow", I thought. That was me not so long ago.
I completely empathized with that woman because I knew exactly where
she was coming from.
It's such an awful, awful place to be feeling like your life is just
wasting away in a tiny cubicle somewhere on the _nth floor of an office building,
"breathing in recycled air", as that woman told me.

I wished I could tell her that it will get better...all she needed was a different perspective.
but there was something about that that I didn't buy.
On one hand, I've been able to turn things around for the better
with my challenges.
But i often think, "is that true or am I simply falling into the hands
of conformity?"
Something tells me there is a little bit of truth in the latter.
After all, one does lose a little of one's self when they assimilate.

For now, I prefer to call myself, "flexible, open, willing to accept change".
I still think there is a lesson to be learned from all of this.
But I'm not totally blind. My third eye is constantly analyzing and being critical
of the things that go on around me.
I don't want to completely lose everything that i am by buying into
all the oppressive dimensions of the corporate sector.
I know better.

proud as a mama
as if knowing that my jr. high/high school friend is a movie director was not enough,
just think how excited I got when I heard the commercial for
his new movie, "Underworld", with the announcer saying,

"Underworld - in theaters September 19th...directed by LEN WISEMAN"

WOOO HOOOO!!!! I was jumping and screaming like crazy!
I just wanted to tell the whole freakin' world.

It's not everyday that someone you know lives out their dreams
by becoming a movie director
AND is engaged to Kate Beckinsale!

I'm so proud of Len. :)

8:22p

just another sunday
'got a couple loads of laundry left in the dryer and washing machine.
''finished balancing & reconciling my checkbook and paying bills.
'FINALLY bought a card for my friend's wedding gift that I should have
sent back in May. 'Will send it tomorrow.
'didn't quite get to weeding the backyard or cleaning & putting away
the bbq grill, but at least that's only one thing I didn't complete
on my to do list for this weekend.

'worked out yesterday and today.
mainly did 40 min of cardio and situps.
i think my body is feeling better.
it'll be easier to tell after a whole week's worth of working out.
my goal this week is to work out every day.
starting tomorrow, I'll get up by 5:30a for some cardio and stretching
and will continue this routine all week.

I tell myself this now, but I'm kinda scared that
I won't go through with it.
I just gotta think positively I guess.
'will set my alarm for 5 a.m. just to be sure.

As far as my work outs this weekend, i think my
thighs are gonna be sore tomorrow.
'worked out on the EFX machine pretty intensley today
after weeks of lethargy, so my body's gotta adjust again.

after my workout today,
me and the bf enjoyed a nice meal that i got from Trader Joe's:
a portabello & roasted garlic pizza and a chicken and garlic pizza,
organic tortilla chips with mango & smoked tomato salsa,
chinese chicken salad and fruit salad for dessert...with a scoop of ice cream.
I know, I shouldn't have, but i did.

'took a 20 minute nap afterwards and then went on with my day
while the bf worked on his website and watched football...all day.

i can't believe it's only 8:30p. I feel like there's still so much of the day left
and I'm only 1 chore shy of completing my tasks for the day.
This is the most productive I've been in a long time.

1:36p

morning grease & bliss
just spent the first 3 hours of the morning with the bf.
and even though I am soooo busog from all that
longsilog, lumpia and cantaloupe juice from our morning
breakfast, it was nice just spending time together running errands.

'listened to our favorite Maroon 5 song, "She Will Be Loved"
in the car...over and over and over again...along the way.
then, 'heard "Rio" (a la Duran Duran) on the radio.
'freaked out again.
'only 15 days til I see them...woo hooo!!!
I need to set aside some moulah for souvenirs and t-shirts.
I'm telling you, I helped them get rich back in the day...
yes, me and my little 5th grader allowance.
i spent so much money on D2 paraphranelia...buttons,
posters, magazines, t-shirts, albums, 12" re-mix albums..

I even did drawings of the band, wrote poetry...GAWD, POETRY!
I remember reading one to Ellen back then. Remember that, El?
I'm sure it probably sucked cause I don't remember her being too
enthused after i finished reading it to her. hehehe!

I remember I used to be like those crazy fans
who you'd see at the front of the stage
just crying...CRYING, mind you...cause screaming
wasn't enough to express their fanaticism (is that a word?).
hysteria. just plain hysteria.

I'm scared now...
I hope I don't embarrass myself at the concert! ;)

and in the PM?
anyways, 'got a lot of stuff left to do on my "TO DO" list for today.
some friends are inviting me to go out dancing (for FREE) at this
new club down in San Jose, too.
I think I'm gonna skip out, though.
I don't want to feel like I have to be anywhere today.
I just wanna take care of my own stuff.

I should probably get crackin'.
hmm...maybe as a reward for finishing all of my goals today,
I will treat myself to a "Blockbuster Night".
'been itching to see "Signs".

12:50p

friday bliss
I'm blasting the Maroon 5 album in my little corner of the office.
everyone's still out to lunch so
I can put it up a couple of notches.
i'm really diggn' this album.
lucky for me I get to see them live (again) at
Alice's (radio 97.3) Now and Zen festival where
Duran Duran will also be performing.
The first time I watched Maroon 5 was when they opened
for John Mayer and the Counting Crows a couple of months ago.

Speaking of John Mayer, I'm sooo excited for next Tuesday
to come around so I can buy his new album.
I'm diggin' on his new song, too.
'just wish i knew the words so I could see if the
song is what I thought it was about.

generally feelin' good right now.
haven't eaten lunch, but
had a nice breakfast of banana bread and steamed milk
from Starfucks.
'can't believe my stomach hasn't gone crazy from the whole
milk yet.

and my favorite jeans...yes, I'm in them.
they're totally my friday jeans.
who cares if people notice that i wear them
regularly every friday.
it's just so much more comfortable to work in them
than my usual "work pants".
besides, they look great with my slip on tennies.

oops! I spoke too soon about the milk....gotta go.
nature calls. ;)

10:03p

sweet release
my fingers have been aching to type new words onto this blog
for exactly 7 days now.
as usual work consumes all of my energy
and the tip-tapping of the pads of my fingers
can barely function after 8 hours worth of
completing forms for work visas, greencard applications,
and getting in an AIM session or two with friends.
I really shouldn't, but it's one of the few things
that keeps me sane during the 9 to 5.

it's just so nice to come back here and hear my voice again.

could it be?
believe it or not...."I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee..."
(couldn't resist)
actually, though I'm not quite walking on air, this week has definitely been a god-send.
'dunno what happened, but things sort of took a 180 degree turn...ok, maybe a 150.
regardless, 'been a happy girl for days now.

it all started on friday
it was great to catch up with my friend/ex-co-worker at our usual cafe.
she was a breath of fresh air.
i miss choppin' it up with her social justice/community work style.
since i no longer spend my 9 to 5 in that kind of environment,
it is rare for me to have those kinds of processing sessions.
i miss them. a lot.

i appreciate her more and more as my friend
and found that our dramatics at my old work place
are only one thing we share.
in fact, we made permanent dents on our usual couch
from sitting there for over 3 hours chatting away.

i was actually supposed to be home 2 hours earlier
so i could pack for our trip to LA the next morning.
but when i came home, what did me and the bf do?:
pig out on Carl's Jr. while watching the entire MTV
Video Music Awards. ummm...ok, Madonna rocks - period.
no need to add accessories like Britney or X-tina on her lips
to make her look better. And, hello? I demand a replay of
Duran Duran's video montage thingy in honor of their
Life Achievement award.

GAWD! you should have seen
me regress to the 5th grade duranie/fanatic when they
showed up on the screen. I didn't think
I still had it in me. My poor bf - I think he's traumatized.
My gawd, i'm afraid of how I'll react when I see them in concert.

YES, that's right, you heard it...I bought tickets the other day.
I'm telling you, I'm counting the days...(tick, tick, tick)
when i'm sitting on the lawn of Sharon Meadows in
Golden Gate Park yellin' my freakin' head off
...just like the first time (my first concert ever) when
i was in 5th grade accompanied by my friend, Jessica,
whose mom was our chaperone. cool mom.

but i digress...did I mention that i didn't
finish packing until 2 am that friday night/sat morning?

...and it continued on sat
but despite the 6 hours of sleep (which actually was enough),
I woke up the next morning bright and early.
we headed out at about 8:30am with our friend, R, (still
tired from clubbing all night) and his friend (our new best friend):
a 2-door beamer. I LOVE driving that thing!

our first stop: Goldilock's in San Jose.
As usual my eyes were hungrier than my stomach.
but that didn't stop me from scarfing down a whole plate
of adobo fried rice, eggs, tocino and bistec.
I pretty much lived on that fuel until dinner time.

we decided that we wanted to take our time getting to LA
so that we could explore some sites along the way.
we headed down 101 to HWY 1 and drove all along the Pacific
Coast for miles. It was super cloudy when
we passed through Monterey, but
once we got to the coast, the sun came out and greeted us.
And when the sun is out, wow! The blue in the ocean
takes your breath away.

We stopped off at my favorite spot along HWY 1.
I call it "heaven", cause that's what it feels like when
I'm standing in the middle of it all.
Too bad the yellow flowers weren't in bloom, though.
That's what really makes it. At least the blue ocean and
majestic mountains were in play. 2 outta 3 ain't bad.

John Mayer was playing during this particular stretch of
our drive. Perfect.
I found my mind wandering, just thinking about random stuff.
Daydreaming about things that barely make it's way into
my thoughts during the 9 to 5.
Makes you appreciate this kind of "freedom".

I brought my journal (2 of them, in fact) just in case I was inspired
to write.
I think it was appropriate for me just to soak it all in
with my eyes and ears, so the journal stayed shut the entire trip.

in spite of the several windy/car-sickness inducing
spots along the way, it's worth traveling south on HWY 1
at least once. makes one appreciate some the last
untouched, undeveloped areas on the damn planet .
no wonder photographer, Ansel Adams, couldn't get enough of capturing
it on film.

...and on to the night
so after 11 hours on the road stopping off at
more sites (Pfiefer State Park, Santa Barbara)
and experiencing more spectacular views,
we finally arrived at our friend, D's, doorstep.
He housed us for the rest of the weekend.

tired and hungry from our nomadic escapade,
we pigged out on 50 chicken wings, fries, greens
and bread at Smitty's on Venice Blvd.
Thank goodness our friend, D, took us to
The Grove to walk around afterwards.

The Grove is this outdoor mall complete with
a fountain show every hour and double-decker trolley
that takes you from one end of the mall to the other.
I felt like I was in Vegas AND Disneyland.
Amazing the kind of money they put into malls
down there.

What was even more amazing was the thousands of
people out and about there. It was 10p
and the place was bustling with people.
None of the malls around where I live even come CLOSE
to that kind of activity on a weekend....well, except for
during the holiday shopping season.
Then again, this was L.A.

After a tour around the mall, a short stint
at the Apple store to check my e-mail, and
a trip to the bathroom inside Barnes and Noble,
we bid adieu to The Grove.

We decided to have our "night cap" at one
of the Coffee Bean cafes where D frequents
and sees many celebrities. It was a nice spot.
Everyone was pretty tired and constipated (why
is it so hard to have a bowel movement when traveling?)
so steamed milk with vanilla was the drink of choice.
ahhh...it literally put me to sleep.
but not before we had a couple of last
crazy conversations for the night.
Then, when we got home, we were all out like a light.
*click*

and then there was sunDAY...
'woke up dehydrated the next morning from all that damn
chicken and last cup of steamed milk.
'felt like i could drink 2 gallons of water at that moment.
Our friend, D, planned a day at the beach for volleyball, sun and
just plain chillin' (i sound so 90's!). He went ahead to reserve volleyball courts and a prime spot on the beach
next to food and bathrooms. :)

Us three took our time getting ready.
We finally made it to brunch at the Lazy Daisy on Pico BLvd.,
about a mile away from the beach.
Cute little spot that was.
I had eggs benedict florentine and oatmeal (for regularity and to cleanse
all the cholesterol in my veins from Smitty's).
The oatmeal was the best. Shoulda just stuck to that cause
once again I was super full.

'Loaded up on water and snacks at the grocery and
finally headed off to the beach.
Met loads of new folks. Mostly UCLA Alum who's names I've
heard before and who's pictures I've seen on Friendster.
But the funny thing was, while this was supposed to be
an official UCLA Pilipino Alumni Association gig, half the folks there
were CAL Pinoy Alum.
Nevertheless, it was cool to connect. In fact,
i think we'll be doing some joint social activities soon.
Nice folks.

and Sunday night wasn't too bad either
Later that night, our other friends, C & N, organized a dinner at
Tuk Tuk, a Thai restaurant on Pico Blvd. (a great place to eat, btw)
It was great to see both of them again.
C is an actress/CPA and N is an engineer who travels to the
equator at least 3 times a year to launch satellites into space.
They are now engaged and recently bought a home right at
the foot of the Getty Museum.

C shared some more stories about her acting experiences
since we last saw eachother.
She's currently playing a 13-yr old girl for an independent film.
It's kinda funny, though, cause no one knows she is almost 3 times
older than her co-stars. All her castmates know is that "she's legal",
as C would say.

After dinner, C & N invited us to their home for some dessert and
a look at C's humongous self-made 8 ft by 5 ft. abstract painting.
The brownies and ice cream were great, but C's painting was simply
AMAZING! WOW!
You would never guess that she never took a painting class in her life.
I was so impressed and inspired by her work....all the colors, the
texture and dimension she gave to the painting
...it was unbelievable.
'never knew the woman was an artist in so many ways.

cause of her, I'm finally gonna register for that painting class at state.
either that or I'm gonna head off to Michael's this weekend for some paint
and paint brushes and paint my own damn abstract.
I'm totally inspired.

one more day, please?
'made it through another hot night in L.A.
I'm surprised I didn't sweat in my sleep.
made my way to the bathroom mirror
and realized how totally brown i got from our time at the beach.
I like my color now, though.
a nice reddish-brown on my skin does me well, me thinks. :)

unfortunately, monday was our last day.
but at least we went out with a bang:
lunch at our favorite Cuban restaurant,
VERSAILLE. and even though they didn't have
my favorite guanabana betido (guyabano milkshake),
I was just as happy with my roasted pork, garlic rice, beans
and platanos...mmmmm.

i went home a happy woman. :)

and the question remains
this week at work has been so good.
i can't remember the last time it's been this good.
it's all relative, of course, but it's just nice to be in a good place
with my challenges.

maybe it was my time spent with my friend/ex-co-worker, A.
or the therapeutic drive down the coast, or crisping in the sun
on the beach with my toes in the sand, or spending the whole
weekend with old and new friends?

dunno what made my perspective change, but it did.
i guess i just got tired of feeling the way i felt.
I think maybe i was resisting to change...the very thing
i completely welcome and embrace, or at least think I do.
I think I was finally able to let go...of old perspectives and values
and let new ones in.
I'm not saying it's all good from here, but
at least I have some sense
of control and hope.

Just the other day, i had this thought in my head
that I was willing to embrace certain "adult" responsibilities
that i have been so resistant to.

anyway, hopefully this is the turning point.
after all, 2004 is just around the corner,
and even years have always brought me more happier days.