what i remember of lola mang
At 1:45 am, my brother woke me up with a phone call
letting me know that lola had finally passed.
We knew it was something that would come soon
as her health has been waning for quite some time.
My brother told me that he was sad for mom who was crying
in the next room. He said that he just wanted to be there
for her to make sure she was alright.
It surprised me a little to hear about my mom's reaction
since she had just come back from the Philippines and said
her last goodbye. My mom has been mentally & spiritually
prepared for years for lola's passing. Plus, she is like lola,
strong and level-headed in times of crisis. But as they say,
you never really know how you will react when things
unfold. I suppose I really should not have been surprised at all.
I prayed silently in the dark and noticed the moon peeking
through the window. My first thought, of course, was that
she was up there now on her way to reunite with lolo pang and
the rest of our family members who have passed. I thought about
how she would finally have the opportunity to find truth in everything
she has ever wondered about or even never thought about before.
In the dark I prayed for her soul to find peace and for the opportunity
for her children to be touched by her messages of wisdom, truth and love from above.
I have been quite disconnected from her for many, many years, but i know she is there and is a big part of my life. In my time alone this morning,
I tried to remember things about her as my way of understanding the big picture
of who she was. And even though I don't have the full story, I am grateful
for my memories. I hope that in time I will learn more about her and
understand the truth of her existence.
Right now I am honored to have had a grandmother who
- lived 93 years on this eartth
- survived 2 world wars (one of which happened right in her backyard)
- loved Cadbury milk chocolate...or any chocolate for that matter
- cooked her mushrooms with loads of animal fat
- raised me for 2 years, along with lolo, while my parents were settling in the U.S.
- locked me out of the house for 2 hours when I was 9 to teach me never to talk back to my elders
- was there to help care for my brother and mother when my brother was born
- poured teaspoonfuls of coffee over her rice while eating it with fried eggs and tuyo for breakfast
- was widely respected and honored by her church and community
- made me walk to church with her EVERYDAY when I was 4
- was the oldest of her siblings and was respectfully addressed by them as "Ate"
- was strict and tight with money (the complete opposite of lolo who was laid back and spent his money on mahjongg), but gave freely to her grandchildren - like the time when I saw her last (I was 25) and she gave me 100 pesos before I left.
- spoiled me by only serving me what I wanted to eat for dinner, which would later backfire when my mom decided to teach me a lesson and told me that I should eat what is on the table or not eat at all.
- raised 4 daughters and one son, 2 of whom are my favorite, most inspirational aunties/people on earth who I have always remained spiritually connected with even across the miles.
- had her way of driving my mom and aunts crazy, which is where MY mom gets it from (great, just great!) ;)
- has a reputation of being a strict disciplinarian and wore the pants in the family
- had a sense of humor that could not be quelled even in her death bed when she told my mom, "Looks like you've gained some weight!"
- instilled the same sense of humor in her children who still laughed at her even in her death bed when she thought my mom's and aunt's names were "Gloria" & "Victoria", which they are not (not even close).
- cried in happiness when she saw me last (in '97) and told me that I look like a "mexicana"
- didn't give a crap what other people thought or said and would express it by saying "Ay, si apo ninda!" in her bicol dialect
- gave me my real name and nickname
- would wear "dusters" in the house and a scarf over her head when going out.-
- owned like a million cats even though they gave her asthma
- is survived by all of her 5 children, some siblings (I think there is at least 3), 10 (?) grandchildren, and 4 (?)great-grandchildren.
There is certainly more to write about, and I hope to continue to put together all of the pieces in my lifetime. Though I am hopeful of life continuing on as it does,
I cannot help but run with my thought process of what this means for me, for the generations before me and those that follow. A part of me feels that there is more to be learned from this experience than the usual confirmation that "life is a cycle". I certainly don't dispute that. I just feel that there is more that I am supposed to see and add to my understanding of life. I suppose it is just a matter of time before the wisdom presents itself.
Thank you, lola mang, for being a part of my life, for everything you have taught me, and for everything I have yet to learn from you.
something for me. something for you. though mostly for me. but mainly a glimpse of life (and hopefully positive transformation) in my little corner of existence.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
breaking up is hard to do
leaving the center was probably the hardest time i've ever had
leaving a job.
truthfully, the only thing that made things difficult
was my boss.
I loved her to death. She is remarkable at what she does
and she has the biggest, most generous heart.
But the fact of the matter is, she played her cards in such
a way that really scared the shit out of me at times and left
me irritated and in crisis mode with my work most of the time.
It was definitely more different than anything I have ever
experienced.
And as hard as I tried to roll with it, I was resigned
to the fact that, as flexible and accomodating as I am,
I would not be happy rolling in this fashion.
Nevertheless, I certainly don't think that my experience
with her defines my overall experience working at the center.
My experience was far too dynamic and amazing to let her define me.
That is what made leaving so difficult. I loved my job, I loved
my co-workers (they were family to me), I loved the kids, I loved
the excitement of being in a pioneering situation. There was so
much potential for me there. And, truly, the experience represented
the heart and soul of everything I am about.
I truly believed that I found the job I had been searching for all of these years.
I gave a 3-week notice as soon as I got a job
offer with my college alma mater.
My boss was nothing but supportive and we even cried
and hugged. I told her what a good person she was
and that I wished her nothing but the best.
I suppose I could've told her all the things I was unhappy
about working with her, but I think she already knew.
And besides, there really is no changing her. She is who she is
and quite frankly, I accept that.
I just wish I had a better capacity to work alongside her.
The first 2 weeks after giving my notice was a bit hectic
but good. We welcomed 6 new staff, 2 of whom worked with me.
I trained them for the first 2 weeks and we were good friends before
the first week even ended.
We clicked instantly.
I was inspired by their enthusiasm to work in the center and to work
with the kids.
Their outlook was so hopeful and not yet jaded by years of working
in this field.
I could tell how educated and thoughtful they were about social justice
and making good in the world. They reminded me to fight complacency
and continue to critically analyze and act on injustice.
They inspired me so much that I just knew we were destined to meet.
And I prayed that they continue to keep that hope and enthusiasm and that it
last throughout their lives.
Becoming friends with them made it even more difficult to leave the center.
On the day before my last day at the center, I prepared a huge feast
for the staff pinoy style. Their jaws dropped when I brought in the
tons of trays of food into our staff meeting.
It felt good. Feeding them was my way of expressing my love and gratitude.
As they ate, the meeting facilitator asked me if I wanted to say anything (which I did)and then encouraged the group to say what they wanted to say to me.
As resistant as I was to this group process, because frankly it felt embarrassing, it really meant a lot to hear what people had to say.
Since most of our time has been spent talking about all the things that are going bad
or need change in the center, it felt good for me to hear people say honest
positive things. I certainly didn't ego trip on it, but I was so appreciative
of all the loving words people shared. It honestly, honestly felt good mostly because I saw how people got how much I loved them...
And that is what I wanted folks to leave with most of all.
I still cannot believe that I don't get to see my ex-co-workers on a daily basis anymore. And as much as I believe that leaving the center was the right thing to
do for now, I miss my ex-co-workers to death! So much so that I got homesick on my first day at my new job. After calling my ex-co-worker, M (one of my 2 closest friends of the bunch), to see how things were going, I broke down in tears and cried all the way home to my SO (significant other).
After all of this, I now know in my heart that in the short time I spent in the center, I really grew to love everyone there. I see them all as family, and because of this, I don't see me leaving as the end. It is for me a new beginning in my friendships with them because they have now become another set of my extended family - crazy, dysfunctional, loving and a huge part of me.
leaving the center was probably the hardest time i've ever had
leaving a job.
truthfully, the only thing that made things difficult
was my boss.
I loved her to death. She is remarkable at what she does
and she has the biggest, most generous heart.
But the fact of the matter is, she played her cards in such
a way that really scared the shit out of me at times and left
me irritated and in crisis mode with my work most of the time.
It was definitely more different than anything I have ever
experienced.
And as hard as I tried to roll with it, I was resigned
to the fact that, as flexible and accomodating as I am,
I would not be happy rolling in this fashion.
Nevertheless, I certainly don't think that my experience
with her defines my overall experience working at the center.
My experience was far too dynamic and amazing to let her define me.
That is what made leaving so difficult. I loved my job, I loved
my co-workers (they were family to me), I loved the kids, I loved
the excitement of being in a pioneering situation. There was so
much potential for me there. And, truly, the experience represented
the heart and soul of everything I am about.
I truly believed that I found the job I had been searching for all of these years.
I gave a 3-week notice as soon as I got a job
offer with my college alma mater.
My boss was nothing but supportive and we even cried
and hugged. I told her what a good person she was
and that I wished her nothing but the best.
I suppose I could've told her all the things I was unhappy
about working with her, but I think she already knew.
And besides, there really is no changing her. She is who she is
and quite frankly, I accept that.
I just wish I had a better capacity to work alongside her.
The first 2 weeks after giving my notice was a bit hectic
but good. We welcomed 6 new staff, 2 of whom worked with me.
I trained them for the first 2 weeks and we were good friends before
the first week even ended.
We clicked instantly.
I was inspired by their enthusiasm to work in the center and to work
with the kids.
Their outlook was so hopeful and not yet jaded by years of working
in this field.
I could tell how educated and thoughtful they were about social justice
and making good in the world. They reminded me to fight complacency
and continue to critically analyze and act on injustice.
They inspired me so much that I just knew we were destined to meet.
And I prayed that they continue to keep that hope and enthusiasm and that it
last throughout their lives.
Becoming friends with them made it even more difficult to leave the center.
On the day before my last day at the center, I prepared a huge feast
for the staff pinoy style. Their jaws dropped when I brought in the
tons of trays of food into our staff meeting.
It felt good. Feeding them was my way of expressing my love and gratitude.
As they ate, the meeting facilitator asked me if I wanted to say anything (which I did)and then encouraged the group to say what they wanted to say to me.
As resistant as I was to this group process, because frankly it felt embarrassing, it really meant a lot to hear what people had to say.
Since most of our time has been spent talking about all the things that are going bad
or need change in the center, it felt good for me to hear people say honest
positive things. I certainly didn't ego trip on it, but I was so appreciative
of all the loving words people shared. It honestly, honestly felt good mostly because I saw how people got how much I loved them...
And that is what I wanted folks to leave with most of all.
I still cannot believe that I don't get to see my ex-co-workers on a daily basis anymore. And as much as I believe that leaving the center was the right thing to
do for now, I miss my ex-co-workers to death! So much so that I got homesick on my first day at my new job. After calling my ex-co-worker, M (one of my 2 closest friends of the bunch), to see how things were going, I broke down in tears and cried all the way home to my SO (significant other).
After all of this, I now know in my heart that in the short time I spent in the center, I really grew to love everyone there. I see them all as family, and because of this, I don't see me leaving as the end. It is for me a new beginning in my friendships with them because they have now become another set of my extended family - crazy, dysfunctional, loving and a huge part of me.
Friday, September 30, 2005
so...the toughest part about getting my new job
was telling my buddy & co-worker, M.
He's been a solid pillar of strength and support for me
ever since our first day working with this project.
that fool is hella real,
hella un-"pc",
hella "code switches" like a mofo
and hella has solid values that he upholds
with such integrity.
I trust him with my life - he is the
kind of person who has your back,
even if you act a fool.
He's also the biggest jokester around.
He makes my stomach hurt from cracking up so hard.
He's also hella smart.
His life experience combined with his street smarts
and commitment to raising up his community
beats my college degree any f-ing day.
I've really grown to respect and appreciate him
over these last 9 months that we struggled together
in this project, and I'm sad as hell to not be
able to see him and the rest of my co-workers on
a daily basis once I leave.
It has been a difficult 2 weeks emotionally as
the reality of me leaving is coming closer.
On Thursday, I even considered re-negging on my resignation.
I called my best friend, R, to help me process this.
I knew in my heart that taking this new job opportunity
was the best decision, but
I just needed to make space to reconcile these
thoughts that have been lingering about in my head.
There is a myriad of reasons I can list for why I made this
decision to leave my job.
Overall, however, I honestly feel that it is just my time to go.
I just feel it in my gut.
I feel sad to leave the people I've made genuine connections with.
I truly appreciated the family feel of our environment.
I just felt incredibly comfortable with everyone and on a
very real level. There was no need to front or be something
I am not.
I am incredibly appreciative that I am constantly welcomed
with open arms, treated with respect and valued for who I am.
I could not ask for anything more than that in a workplace.
On an even deeper and analytical level,
this experience has shown me the power of
passion and commitment to build something
as a means for positive social change.
It was an amazing experience to see so many people
be inspired to help when they walked through
our doors and saw the product of youth empowerment
and community effort.
So many people have given money, time, energy, hard work
and personal investment to help this center run and continue
to move forward.
This center/project brings out the good in people each and every time,
and it re-affirms my belief that community/social work is what I need
to invest myself in to fulfill my life's work.
was telling my buddy & co-worker, M.
He's been a solid pillar of strength and support for me
ever since our first day working with this project.
that fool is hella real,
hella un-"pc",
hella "code switches" like a mofo
and hella has solid values that he upholds
with such integrity.
I trust him with my life - he is the
kind of person who has your back,
even if you act a fool.
He's also the biggest jokester around.
He makes my stomach hurt from cracking up so hard.
He's also hella smart.
His life experience combined with his street smarts
and commitment to raising up his community
beats my college degree any f-ing day.
I've really grown to respect and appreciate him
over these last 9 months that we struggled together
in this project, and I'm sad as hell to not be
able to see him and the rest of my co-workers on
a daily basis once I leave.
It has been a difficult 2 weeks emotionally as
the reality of me leaving is coming closer.
On Thursday, I even considered re-negging on my resignation.
I called my best friend, R, to help me process this.
I knew in my heart that taking this new job opportunity
was the best decision, but
I just needed to make space to reconcile these
thoughts that have been lingering about in my head.
There is a myriad of reasons I can list for why I made this
decision to leave my job.
Overall, however, I honestly feel that it is just my time to go.
I just feel it in my gut.
I feel sad to leave the people I've made genuine connections with.
I truly appreciated the family feel of our environment.
I just felt incredibly comfortable with everyone and on a
very real level. There was no need to front or be something
I am not.
I am incredibly appreciative that I am constantly welcomed
with open arms, treated with respect and valued for who I am.
I could not ask for anything more than that in a workplace.
On an even deeper and analytical level,
this experience has shown me the power of
passion and commitment to build something
as a means for positive social change.
It was an amazing experience to see so many people
be inspired to help when they walked through
our doors and saw the product of youth empowerment
and community effort.
So many people have given money, time, energy, hard work
and personal investment to help this center run and continue
to move forward.
This center/project brings out the good in people each and every time,
and it re-affirms my belief that community/social work is what I need
to invest myself in to fulfill my life's work.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
"normal" for me these days is different than what it used to be.
i spend most of my time worrying or bitching about work or other
"adult" responsibilities that I just never seem to accomplish.
In fact, it seems that I can really only accomplish one project a week!
One amazing thing that I was actually able to do for myself last week:
I got myself a NEW job!!!!! (Can you freakin' believe it?)
It literally happened within a matter of days...
- Friday: I get a call and e-mail from my friend reminding me to apply for the job in her dept.
- Sunday: I complete my resume in cover letter at 2:30am and e-mail it to my friend's boss
- Monday: I get an e-mail from my friend's department, telling me that I have been chosen for an interview.
- Thursday: I attend my interview at 9am. I didn't think I did that well, but was ok with it all. That afternoon I got a call from the Director asking me to fax over my references. She said that I did really well in the interview and also asked me what my asking price was for a salary. I get an e-mail from my friend telling me that I am basically the top candidate for the job.
- Monday: I got my job offer.
- Tuesday: I accepted the job offer and put in my 3-week notice.
i spend most of my time worrying or bitching about work or other
"adult" responsibilities that I just never seem to accomplish.
In fact, it seems that I can really only accomplish one project a week!
One amazing thing that I was actually able to do for myself last week:
I got myself a NEW job!!!!! (Can you freakin' believe it?)
It literally happened within a matter of days...
- Friday: I get a call and e-mail from my friend reminding me to apply for the job in her dept.
- Sunday: I complete my resume in cover letter at 2:30am and e-mail it to my friend's boss
- Monday: I get an e-mail from my friend's department, telling me that I have been chosen for an interview.
- Thursday: I attend my interview at 9am. I didn't think I did that well, but was ok with it all. That afternoon I got a call from the Director asking me to fax over my references. She said that I did really well in the interview and also asked me what my asking price was for a salary. I get an e-mail from my friend telling me that I am basically the top candidate for the job.
- Monday: I got my job offer.
- Tuesday: I accepted the job offer and put in my 3-week notice.
Friday, August 26, 2005
and the universe replied...
my friend & co-worker, O, taught me about the
energy that is the universe. she taught me that
one of the ways to find answers to your
inner conflicts and confusions is to
release your needs, frustrations, joys, etc., to the universe.
And sure enough, it will respond in the way that you need it to.
last week, i released to the universe
my decision
to look for other job opportunities.
i love what I do, but not under the circumstances
that I do it in.
it is not that I am not down for the struggle of
this enormous task. The challenges are exciting.
However, i feel that i was set up for failure
even before I started this job,
and i continue to be in this predicament (along with my other co-workers)
because our practices continue to perpetuate
this rickety infrastructure.
Nevertheless, the universe responded...
- with an opportunity at my ex-co-worker's organization
- With another opportunity at my other ex-co-worker's organization
- with a potential opportunity in the new organization that my friend is now Executive Director of
- with an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones at today's I-Hotel Grand Opening Ceremony
Right now, I just want to give thanks, sincere heartfelt thanks,
to the powers that be
for sending me the message that
I am not stuck...
For the message that there is a whole world of opportunities out there,
with more positive, healthy work environments
and other individuals who can postively affect my life and
foster my personal & professional development.
It was a message that I really needed to hear.
my friend & co-worker, O, taught me about the
energy that is the universe. she taught me that
one of the ways to find answers to your
inner conflicts and confusions is to
release your needs, frustrations, joys, etc., to the universe.
And sure enough, it will respond in the way that you need it to.
last week, i released to the universe
my decision
to look for other job opportunities.
i love what I do, but not under the circumstances
that I do it in.
it is not that I am not down for the struggle of
this enormous task. The challenges are exciting.
However, i feel that i was set up for failure
even before I started this job,
and i continue to be in this predicament (along with my other co-workers)
because our practices continue to perpetuate
this rickety infrastructure.
Nevertheless, the universe responded...
- with an opportunity at my ex-co-worker's organization
- With another opportunity at my other ex-co-worker's organization
- with a potential opportunity in the new organization that my friend is now Executive Director of
- with an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones at today's I-Hotel Grand Opening Ceremony
Right now, I just want to give thanks, sincere heartfelt thanks,
to the powers that be
for sending me the message that
I am not stuck...
For the message that there is a whole world of opportunities out there,
with more positive, healthy work environments
and other individuals who can postively affect my life and
foster my personal & professional development.
It was a message that I really needed to hear.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
our youth center was featured in the paper again this past Monday.
and today, we received a letter from a prisoner who wrote to thank
us for all the positive work we have been doing through the center.
he heard about us from a friend and checked out our website.
both of these things help to ground me in the fact that working
for this place is an incredible privelege, despite the craziness
I experience on a daily basis.
the story in monday's paper is actually a 3-part series, which
will track the progress of the 3 young people who are participants of
our center. just reading this first part was inspiring, especially reading about Big D. This cat is so incredibly amazing at what he does.
He is a quiet leader, but most definitely one with solid integrity.
I learn so much from him.
He reminds me every day of the kind of advocate I need to be in order
to be effective in working with youth.
He truly is my teacher.
I'm so glad that I can still see these daily reminders
of the positive things that this center brings about
because I am so knee-deep in the daily grind, the daily stresses
and I forget.
I need to figure out a way to balance my perspective better, to keep
me grounded on what all of this is truly about.
I think I need to make it a point to have more solid
one-on-one conversation with the youth in center.
I have such a hard time doing this, because the bulk
of my work is administrative and I am always
racing against time to get things done.
Perhaps I should change my perspective, let go of
certain things, and welcome new ones.
I've been thinking about this a lot today...
about my goals with this challenge/journey.
what do I want to accomplish here before I go?
...I think i need to think about this a little more
and will write again soon.
til next time
and today, we received a letter from a prisoner who wrote to thank
us for all the positive work we have been doing through the center.
he heard about us from a friend and checked out our website.
both of these things help to ground me in the fact that working
for this place is an incredible privelege, despite the craziness
I experience on a daily basis.
the story in monday's paper is actually a 3-part series, which
will track the progress of the 3 young people who are participants of
our center. just reading this first part was inspiring, especially reading about Big D. This cat is so incredibly amazing at what he does.
He is a quiet leader, but most definitely one with solid integrity.
I learn so much from him.
He reminds me every day of the kind of advocate I need to be in order
to be effective in working with youth.
He truly is my teacher.
I'm so glad that I can still see these daily reminders
of the positive things that this center brings about
because I am so knee-deep in the daily grind, the daily stresses
and I forget.
I need to figure out a way to balance my perspective better, to keep
me grounded on what all of this is truly about.
I think I need to make it a point to have more solid
one-on-one conversation with the youth in center.
I have such a hard time doing this, because the bulk
of my work is administrative and I am always
racing against time to get things done.
Perhaps I should change my perspective, let go of
certain things, and welcome new ones.
I've been thinking about this a lot today...
about my goals with this challenge/journey.
what do I want to accomplish here before I go?
...I think i need to think about this a little more
and will write again soon.
til next time
Thursday, July 28, 2005
i CANNOT WAIT until this fucking project is over and done with.
as usual, we were in rush/crisis mode again.
i did my best to create structure & process to make sure things
got done correctly.
unfortunately, i didn't as good of a job as I could have. UGH!!!!!
i'm super irritated because I know I could have done well,
if things weren't so crazy here.
I know that this is all a result of being
a start up, but
how long can we legitimately use that excuse?
there are still a gazillion things left undone,
a gazillion structures and procedures not
yet developed.
we STILL don't have a friggin' list of priority
projects w/ a timeline to work with.
i'm really beginning to feel like not only are we
cheating ourselves but more importantly
we are cheating the young people and the community who
pays for us to run this place.
and EVERYBODY's burned out.
and EVERYBODY's frustrated.
and EVERYBODY would probably walk away from this project if
they got a better offer some place else (or maybe
that's just my assumption?)
All I know is,
I cannot work in crisis mode forever.
I cannot work in utter confusion, inconsistency,
and chaos.
I acknowledge that part of the problem is me,
and I need to fix it. NOW.
But part of that means that I may have to give up
too much of myself.
And I'm not sure this project really deserves
that kind of investment.
I already feel the toxins taking over my body again
after not having worked out for a week and a half.
thank goodness I'm not feening for carbs and sweets, too.
that would just be the end of me!
(and I got to such a good place 3 weeks ago
when I focused solely on my healing).
I'm really sleepy now.
and am just trying not to worry about this one
thing that is due first thing tomorrow morning.
i think i'm ok.
the groundedness that i've been feeling since
my week of healing, hasn't completely gone away.
i just would like some answers and direction on
the best path to take.
I am so knee-deep in this project now that
i almost feel like there is no other way to go
than move forward.
I think i have passed the point of no return.
as usual, we were in rush/crisis mode again.
i did my best to create structure & process to make sure things
got done correctly.
unfortunately, i didn't as good of a job as I could have. UGH!!!!!
i'm super irritated because I know I could have done well,
if things weren't so crazy here.
I know that this is all a result of being
a start up, but
how long can we legitimately use that excuse?
there are still a gazillion things left undone,
a gazillion structures and procedures not
yet developed.
we STILL don't have a friggin' list of priority
projects w/ a timeline to work with.
i'm really beginning to feel like not only are we
cheating ourselves but more importantly
we are cheating the young people and the community who
pays for us to run this place.
and EVERYBODY's burned out.
and EVERYBODY's frustrated.
and EVERYBODY would probably walk away from this project if
they got a better offer some place else (or maybe
that's just my assumption?)
All I know is,
I cannot work in crisis mode forever.
I cannot work in utter confusion, inconsistency,
and chaos.
I acknowledge that part of the problem is me,
and I need to fix it. NOW.
But part of that means that I may have to give up
too much of myself.
And I'm not sure this project really deserves
that kind of investment.
I already feel the toxins taking over my body again
after not having worked out for a week and a half.
thank goodness I'm not feening for carbs and sweets, too.
that would just be the end of me!
(and I got to such a good place 3 weeks ago
when I focused solely on my healing).
I'm really sleepy now.
and am just trying not to worry about this one
thing that is due first thing tomorrow morning.
i think i'm ok.
the groundedness that i've been feeling since
my week of healing, hasn't completely gone away.
i just would like some answers and direction on
the best path to take.
I am so knee-deep in this project now that
i almost feel like there is no other way to go
than move forward.
I think i have passed the point of no return.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
just what i needed
all last week at work, i tried to focus
on getting better mentally, physically and spiritually.
i took it easy. kept myself from unnecessary worrying.
and darn it, all of my efforts helped.
working out at least 4 times last week
really made a difference in terms of my
energy level
and emotional state.
I felt more emotionally balanced/stable
and this allowed me to have a more
balanced perspective on my work situation/stresses.
I was actually able to control my crazy
anxiety over shit.
then came saturday, the day I had been waiting for all week.
after my melt down over work crap the previous sunday, my bf
suggested that we go down to Monterey.
Hearing him say that was my total salvation.
Duh?! Of course I needed to get the FUCK
away from here, if even for 1 day.
and this we did.
We started off with a nice drive down Hwy 1
with John Mayer blaring on my CD player.
We stopped off at my favorite piece of
heaven along this drive, Garrapata Beach.
Unfortunately, not all of the yellow wildflowers were in bloom
this time, but the landscape was heavenly nonetheless.
Instead of kickin' it in the middle of the vastness of the
wildflowers, we decided to head down to the beach,
even though we weren't supposed to since
the stairwell that led us down to it was
completely missing the last 10 steps down.
We had do be creative instead.
Once we got on the beach, it was like being
in unforbidden territory, since there was literally
only a handful of people there.
We met a nice gentleman named David.
He was from the south of France and was traveling
down this stretch of Pacific coast on his own.
Then, we climbed on a rock that would get
surrounded by water once the tide hit the shore.
I swear, I could sit there all day if I could.
The view from up there was majestic
and the solitude of just us two sitting there
was peaceful. everything I needed to wash my troubles away.
we then drove back to Carmel and hung out at the beach.
we had to fight off those crummy little beach flies
in the first spot we claimed.
but the second spot was much more relaxing
that i almost fell into deep sleep after reading
the Clinton book for only 10 min.
Waking up to the sound of the ocean waves
and the crisp sea air was truly truly a memorable moment.
again, i wish i could stay there forever.
after the beach, we walked around downtown Carmel
to look for a place to eat dinner.
we settled on Flaherty's since all of the "hot spots"
were booked for another 2 hours.
Instead of hanging out at a local cafe, we decided to
drive up Hwy 1 some more to our favorite seaside
resort.
Believe it or not, I found out about this place
back in '93/'94 while looking through the newspaper.
I was actually looking around for a nice place to take
my bf for our 3.5 yr. anniversary, so seeing the ad for the
new resort was like a sign.
At the time, it only cost $75/night to stay at this lovely
little seaside resort. Now, it's like $250/night!
Hella crazy capitalism!
Nevertheless, it was great to go back there because it really
is a nice place to stay if you really wanna "get away".
I just wanna say how lucky I feel
to have had that opportunity to really be at peace,
if even for a little while.
Gawd, how I needed the break from everything.
I know it did me good because my heart has been a lot
lighter ever since.
The detox is working. All i need to start doing now
is to lay off those damn carbs.
Then I think my detox will be complete.
too sleepy to write more, so will end here.
'til next time...
all last week at work, i tried to focus
on getting better mentally, physically and spiritually.
i took it easy. kept myself from unnecessary worrying.
and darn it, all of my efforts helped.
working out at least 4 times last week
really made a difference in terms of my
energy level
and emotional state.
I felt more emotionally balanced/stable
and this allowed me to have a more
balanced perspective on my work situation/stresses.
I was actually able to control my crazy
anxiety over shit.
then came saturday, the day I had been waiting for all week.
after my melt down over work crap the previous sunday, my bf
suggested that we go down to Monterey.
Hearing him say that was my total salvation.
Duh?! Of course I needed to get the FUCK
away from here, if even for 1 day.
and this we did.
We started off with a nice drive down Hwy 1
with John Mayer blaring on my CD player.
We stopped off at my favorite piece of
heaven along this drive, Garrapata Beach.
Unfortunately, not all of the yellow wildflowers were in bloom
this time, but the landscape was heavenly nonetheless.
Instead of kickin' it in the middle of the vastness of the
wildflowers, we decided to head down to the beach,
even though we weren't supposed to since
the stairwell that led us down to it was
completely missing the last 10 steps down.
We had do be creative instead.
Once we got on the beach, it was like being
in unforbidden territory, since there was literally
only a handful of people there.
We met a nice gentleman named David.
He was from the south of France and was traveling
down this stretch of Pacific coast on his own.
Then, we climbed on a rock that would get
surrounded by water once the tide hit the shore.
I swear, I could sit there all day if I could.
The view from up there was majestic
and the solitude of just us two sitting there
was peaceful. everything I needed to wash my troubles away.
we then drove back to Carmel and hung out at the beach.
we had to fight off those crummy little beach flies
in the first spot we claimed.
but the second spot was much more relaxing
that i almost fell into deep sleep after reading
the Clinton book for only 10 min.
Waking up to the sound of the ocean waves
and the crisp sea air was truly truly a memorable moment.
again, i wish i could stay there forever.
after the beach, we walked around downtown Carmel
to look for a place to eat dinner.
we settled on Flaherty's since all of the "hot spots"
were booked for another 2 hours.
Instead of hanging out at a local cafe, we decided to
drive up Hwy 1 some more to our favorite seaside
resort.
Believe it or not, I found out about this place
back in '93/'94 while looking through the newspaper.
I was actually looking around for a nice place to take
my bf for our 3.5 yr. anniversary, so seeing the ad for the
new resort was like a sign.
At the time, it only cost $75/night to stay at this lovely
little seaside resort. Now, it's like $250/night!
Hella crazy capitalism!
Nevertheless, it was great to go back there because it really
is a nice place to stay if you really wanna "get away".
I just wanna say how lucky I feel
to have had that opportunity to really be at peace,
if even for a little while.
Gawd, how I needed the break from everything.
I know it did me good because my heart has been a lot
lighter ever since.
The detox is working. All i need to start doing now
is to lay off those damn carbs.
Then I think my detox will be complete.
too sleepy to write more, so will end here.
'til next time...
Friday, July 15, 2005
it is the end of day 5 of my week back to work
since being sick all week last week.
all I could think about all morning was
me and the bf's trip to Monterey tomorrow.
I was super excited, and still am. It was definitely
hard to think about anything else at work.
I don't know why I'm all aglow about going this time around.
I know that i need the mental break from everything, but
I really have never been so excited to be able to drive
down the coast to see my favorite place, which I call "my heaven":
a beautiful stretch of the pacific coast dotted with
yellow wild flowers along a bluff overlooking the beach below.
I have never been so excited to walk the hiking trails
of this one park (i forgot the name) and climb over rocks
to get to several tide pools.
I've never been so excited for the opportunity to sit and
have a cup of coffee with my bf at this one little cafe
in Carmel while we chat and watch people pass by our window.
For some reason or other, i just can't wait to go.
As for work, I learned this week how to tame my overly
anxiety-ridden side of dealing with it.
I realized that I still need to figure out a way
to maintain my productivity without burning myself out.
I realized that i need to continuing looking at this experience
as a space for me to learn & grow in the areas
that I can learn & grow in, and to not take this for granted.
I realized that it will still take time for me to get a handle on things
and to get to a place where
I am truly happy with my experience.
For now, all I want to do is focus on my lovely
weekend away from it all.
since being sick all week last week.
all I could think about all morning was
me and the bf's trip to Monterey tomorrow.
I was super excited, and still am. It was definitely
hard to think about anything else at work.
I don't know why I'm all aglow about going this time around.
I know that i need the mental break from everything, but
I really have never been so excited to be able to drive
down the coast to see my favorite place, which I call "my heaven":
a beautiful stretch of the pacific coast dotted with
yellow wild flowers along a bluff overlooking the beach below.
I have never been so excited to walk the hiking trails
of this one park (i forgot the name) and climb over rocks
to get to several tide pools.
I've never been so excited for the opportunity to sit and
have a cup of coffee with my bf at this one little cafe
in Carmel while we chat and watch people pass by our window.
For some reason or other, i just can't wait to go.
As for work, I learned this week how to tame my overly
anxiety-ridden side of dealing with it.
I realized that I still need to figure out a way
to maintain my productivity without burning myself out.
I realized that i need to continuing looking at this experience
as a space for me to learn & grow in the areas
that I can learn & grow in, and to not take this for granted.
I realized that it will still take time for me to get a handle on things
and to get to a place where
I am truly happy with my experience.
For now, all I want to do is focus on my lovely
weekend away from it all.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
after checking in with my co-worker,
I got to thinking differently about things at work.
Our conversation got me thinking about
what it was that made me excited about applying for
my current position and what made me excited
about working in this space.
Truthfully, I had a hard time remembering.
In fact, I still do.
I think I had a little breakthrough, though I still can't remember specifics.
I just remember being super gung-ho about putting effort into
learning about the community I work in.
Since I knew very little about this community, I was excited
to do the research and do the homework
so that I could be empowered with this knowledge.
I did all kinds of on-line searches, even 'looked up the
political officials on the city and county level who
are in charge of taking care of this community.
Then, the deluge of work and responsibilities came over me
and I've been drowning in it ever since.
Obviously this has contributed to my loss of
excitement and focus.
I've spent this last week just recovering mentally.
The space and focus on healing myself has enabled me
to examine my situation in a more balanced way.
I still don't have definitive answers to many of my questions, confusions.
However, the heaviness on my mind and my heart
has been good.
After the intense incident yesterday at work + my conversation
with my co-worker today forced me to think about my experience
on a different level:
It grounded me.
It truly grounded me again, and I am ever so grateful.
I see this as a new starting point for me, and I
hope to be able to build again from this foundation.
Don't get me wrong, I am still skeptical, confused
and still a bit worn out from the first 7 months of
chaos and craziness. I definitely need to figure out a way
to take these next steps in a way that is manageable
and SANE for me AND where I am not giving up so much of myself
that there is nothing left for me.
I need to figure this out. I need to make this work,
because a part of me believes that, like my co-worker,
this job is the dream job that I have been wishing for.
(wow. 'can't believe I actually said that. I'm crazy!!!!!
Even more, THIS FUCKING job is crazy!!!!)
hope for more progress. til next time.
I got to thinking differently about things at work.
Our conversation got me thinking about
what it was that made me excited about applying for
my current position and what made me excited
about working in this space.
Truthfully, I had a hard time remembering.
In fact, I still do.
I think I had a little breakthrough, though I still can't remember specifics.
I just remember being super gung-ho about putting effort into
learning about the community I work in.
Since I knew very little about this community, I was excited
to do the research and do the homework
so that I could be empowered with this knowledge.
I did all kinds of on-line searches, even 'looked up the
political officials on the city and county level who
are in charge of taking care of this community.
Then, the deluge of work and responsibilities came over me
and I've been drowning in it ever since.
Obviously this has contributed to my loss of
excitement and focus.
I've spent this last week just recovering mentally.
The space and focus on healing myself has enabled me
to examine my situation in a more balanced way.
I still don't have definitive answers to many of my questions, confusions.
However, the heaviness on my mind and my heart
has been good.
After the intense incident yesterday at work + my conversation
with my co-worker today forced me to think about my experience
on a different level:
It grounded me.
It truly grounded me again, and I am ever so grateful.
I see this as a new starting point for me, and I
hope to be able to build again from this foundation.
Don't get me wrong, I am still skeptical, confused
and still a bit worn out from the first 7 months of
chaos and craziness. I definitely need to figure out a way
to take these next steps in a way that is manageable
and SANE for me AND where I am not giving up so much of myself
that there is nothing left for me.
I need to figure this out. I need to make this work,
because a part of me believes that, like my co-worker,
this job is the dream job that I have been wishing for.
(wow. 'can't believe I actually said that. I'm crazy!!!!!
Even more, THIS FUCKING job is crazy!!!!)
hope for more progress. til next time.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
i'm in a better mood today.
note to self about this job: I enjoy
working with people and coordinating
the management of the daily operations of the center.
I think I will write more of these positive
reminders as much as I can, as I remember them
to keep sane in this chaos of a place.
smiles.smiles.smiles.
note to self about this job: I enjoy
working with people and coordinating
the management of the daily operations of the center.
I think I will write more of these positive
reminders as much as I can, as I remember them
to keep sane in this chaos of a place.
smiles.smiles.smiles.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
last night I went to bed with an almost cured sore throat
and a bit of a fever.
I suppose that my body was making its full-strength
attempt at getting rid of the virus in my system.
I couldn't sleep for the first hour, but luckily
Mr. Sandman finally pulled me into deep slumber.
I woke up with an itchy throat, though not as sore as yesterday.
My back and neck ached a bit from sleeping on this futon for weeks
and my whole body felt like it had undergone some serious healing
process overnight. I felt refreshed but a little exhausted.
I lay in bed for a few minutes, wavering back and forth
deciding on whether or not I could handle a full day at work.
Finally, I decided to stay home again.
'Had this more-intense-than-usual instinct to watch tv
instead of lay in bed.
i decided to first head over a couple of blocks to the
convenient store to purchase a small bag of Doritos ('been craving them since yesterday!), and as soon as I got there, the TV in the store
was blaring info about the bombings in London.
Wow, I though to myself. I guess my instincts were leading me to see this.
My cousin lives in London, so of course I thought of the safety
of her and her family first. I was just about to call her
when I turned on my MSN Messenger and found her on-line.
She told me that everyone was ok in her family as well as all of her other friends.
What a relief!
So now I am here, glued to the TV for a strange sort of comfort.
I thought that my bf was going to work from home today, but
was sad to find that he actually was planning on going into the office
because of this 4-day work week. Bummer! I was soooo looking forward
to being taken care of today. Oh well, I guess it's just me, the tv and
my laptop.
I'm feeling very pensive about things, life, work in particular.
For months, my life has been focused on my work life, trying
to get a handle on the consistent challenges and plethora of
responsibilities. Stress, anxiety, discontent is heavy on my mind as a result of it.
In retrospect, i suppose the real problem is the
very fact that most of my focus and energy has been on work.
I have yet to find a nice balance between it and my personal life.
I'd really like to be in that place of balance soon, because even
writing about work brings about feelings of anxiety, confusion and just blah!
This past weekend, I realized that I needed to really think more concretely
about what I wanted for my future, my goals, etc.
Concretely, I need to figure out a way to make more money.
I've worked in the non-profit sector for pretty much my entire career,
and my goal has never been about making money.
It has always been about helping to meet community needs.
I've also always felt that because I grew up with every basic need
(and then some) provided for me by my parents, I need to
spend my focus on ensuring that others have these same needs met
before I worry about myself.
I always feel a little guilty for having what I have, when I know
that there are so many people out there struggling because
they don't have the same opportunities as I do/did growing up.
but let's be real.
i need a definite raise, even though this is the most
i've ever made in my life (which really isn't saying much).
i'd like to be able to have some form of a savings
and some form of an IRA/retirement savings.
I'd like to be able to raise kids with the bf and
have enough money to put them through college.
I often wonder if I will ever make enough money to do
all of these things, because in my field, you basically
have to be an executive director or something to make
any kind of substantial salary.
And, truly, I would not touch that job with a ten foot pole!
So what to do? what to do?
I really don't have any answers at this point.
The only thing I know right now is that I am officially
burned out at work.
I feel hopeless about things changing for the better.
I just hope that I can find some inspiration to help
solve this dilemma sooner than later.
and a bit of a fever.
I suppose that my body was making its full-strength
attempt at getting rid of the virus in my system.
I couldn't sleep for the first hour, but luckily
Mr. Sandman finally pulled me into deep slumber.
I woke up with an itchy throat, though not as sore as yesterday.
My back and neck ached a bit from sleeping on this futon for weeks
and my whole body felt like it had undergone some serious healing
process overnight. I felt refreshed but a little exhausted.
I lay in bed for a few minutes, wavering back and forth
deciding on whether or not I could handle a full day at work.
Finally, I decided to stay home again.
'Had this more-intense-than-usual instinct to watch tv
instead of lay in bed.
i decided to first head over a couple of blocks to the
convenient store to purchase a small bag of Doritos ('been craving them since yesterday!), and as soon as I got there, the TV in the store
was blaring info about the bombings in London.
Wow, I though to myself. I guess my instincts were leading me to see this.
My cousin lives in London, so of course I thought of the safety
of her and her family first. I was just about to call her
when I turned on my MSN Messenger and found her on-line.
She told me that everyone was ok in her family as well as all of her other friends.
What a relief!
So now I am here, glued to the TV for a strange sort of comfort.
I thought that my bf was going to work from home today, but
was sad to find that he actually was planning on going into the office
because of this 4-day work week. Bummer! I was soooo looking forward
to being taken care of today. Oh well, I guess it's just me, the tv and
my laptop.
I'm feeling very pensive about things, life, work in particular.
For months, my life has been focused on my work life, trying
to get a handle on the consistent challenges and plethora of
responsibilities. Stress, anxiety, discontent is heavy on my mind as a result of it.
In retrospect, i suppose the real problem is the
very fact that most of my focus and energy has been on work.
I have yet to find a nice balance between it and my personal life.
I'd really like to be in that place of balance soon, because even
writing about work brings about feelings of anxiety, confusion and just blah!
This past weekend, I realized that I needed to really think more concretely
about what I wanted for my future, my goals, etc.
Concretely, I need to figure out a way to make more money.
I've worked in the non-profit sector for pretty much my entire career,
and my goal has never been about making money.
It has always been about helping to meet community needs.
I've also always felt that because I grew up with every basic need
(and then some) provided for me by my parents, I need to
spend my focus on ensuring that others have these same needs met
before I worry about myself.
I always feel a little guilty for having what I have, when I know
that there are so many people out there struggling because
they don't have the same opportunities as I do/did growing up.
but let's be real.
i need a definite raise, even though this is the most
i've ever made in my life (which really isn't saying much).
i'd like to be able to have some form of a savings
and some form of an IRA/retirement savings.
I'd like to be able to raise kids with the bf and
have enough money to put them through college.
I often wonder if I will ever make enough money to do
all of these things, because in my field, you basically
have to be an executive director or something to make
any kind of substantial salary.
And, truly, I would not touch that job with a ten foot pole!
So what to do? what to do?
I really don't have any answers at this point.
The only thing I know right now is that I am officially
burned out at work.
I feel hopeless about things changing for the better.
I just hope that I can find some inspiration to help
solve this dilemma sooner than later.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.e.d.
So today I am sick. I caught the sore throat that
my bf was nursing last week. Ugh! At least I had
an excuse to stay home from work.
I really hate talking about work because I am such
in a limbo-like space with it.
I just feel like I am floating and never moving forward there.
It has a lot to do with our dysfunctional structure.
It's not catastrophic, but I just feel that we are not
all on the same page in terms of what our priorities are.
I mean, there is so much building still to be done.
And it's even doubly difficult when you also have to
deal with daily operations. Balancing these two things
is really challenging and frustrating when you do not have a
plan or a timeline in which to achieve this plan.
What's worse is that I get myself too stressed out over things.
It really isn't worth it, especially when we are in a state of
chaos, not really being on the same page about what needs to happen
first, second, third, etc. I guess right now I have just had it.
I'm tired of trying.
For now I am resigned to creating structure for my piece of the work
and that's it.
Unfortunately, this is challenging considering the fact that I answer to
multiple people and serve as a support system to many.
be careful what you wish for! ;)
So today I am sick. I caught the sore throat that
my bf was nursing last week. Ugh! At least I had
an excuse to stay home from work.
I really hate talking about work because I am such
in a limbo-like space with it.
I just feel like I am floating and never moving forward there.
It has a lot to do with our dysfunctional structure.
It's not catastrophic, but I just feel that we are not
all on the same page in terms of what our priorities are.
I mean, there is so much building still to be done.
And it's even doubly difficult when you also have to
deal with daily operations. Balancing these two things
is really challenging and frustrating when you do not have a
plan or a timeline in which to achieve this plan.
What's worse is that I get myself too stressed out over things.
It really isn't worth it, especially when we are in a state of
chaos, not really being on the same page about what needs to happen
first, second, third, etc. I guess right now I have just had it.
I'm tired of trying.
For now I am resigned to creating structure for my piece of the work
and that's it.
Unfortunately, this is challenging considering the fact that I answer to
multiple people and serve as a support system to many.
be careful what you wish for! ;)
Saturday, June 18, 2005
good morning!
it is 11am and I just finished my usual Saturday morning
lolly-gagging in bed routine.
I was actually productive for a part of it, though,
planning out my day.
I have a lot to do today as usual.
Will be preparing for tomorrow's father's day
lunch.
I'm feeling a tiny bit anxious because of all the things
i have to accomplish today, since tomorrow is pretty much
all about family.
I hope I can accomplish everything I set out to do today.
there truly is never enough time.
I often feel like an Alaskan salmon swimming upstream
all.the.time.
A part of me knows there is a way to strategize
around this and make things work for me.
I suppose I just need to learn how to recognize
and pat myself on the back for the things I
AM ABLE to accomplish.
Anyhoo, i'm craving breakfast.
not sure what to eat, but
will raid the fridge now.
More later.
it is 11am and I just finished my usual Saturday morning
lolly-gagging in bed routine.
I was actually productive for a part of it, though,
planning out my day.
I have a lot to do today as usual.
Will be preparing for tomorrow's father's day
lunch.
I'm feeling a tiny bit anxious because of all the things
i have to accomplish today, since tomorrow is pretty much
all about family.
I hope I can accomplish everything I set out to do today.
there truly is never enough time.
I often feel like an Alaskan salmon swimming upstream
all.the.time.
A part of me knows there is a way to strategize
around this and make things work for me.
I suppose I just need to learn how to recognize
and pat myself on the back for the things I
AM ABLE to accomplish.
Anyhoo, i'm craving breakfast.
not sure what to eat, but
will raid the fridge now.
More later.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
evolve.
i feel like I am in a transitional space in my life.
my evolved perspectives on life seem almost simple now,
as if I know there is yet a 4th, 5th, dimension/layer to add
to the current picture.
my brain still cannot accept that it has more room to grow,
even though my intuition & spirit tells me different.
a part of me feels like it is my time to be tested
on everything i believe, think and perceive
in order to add that 4th, 5th dimension/layer to my
total understanding of life,
so that i can be a truly selfless person
and be able to rise above the minutia of life
which clouds our thinking/being and keeps us from
seeing, experiencing and processing the world the way
we are meant to.
i welcome the experience & the challenge.
i feel like I am in a transitional space in my life.
my evolved perspectives on life seem almost simple now,
as if I know there is yet a 4th, 5th, dimension/layer to add
to the current picture.
my brain still cannot accept that it has more room to grow,
even though my intuition & spirit tells me different.
a part of me feels like it is my time to be tested
on everything i believe, think and perceive
in order to add that 4th, 5th dimension/layer to my
total understanding of life,
so that i can be a truly selfless person
and be able to rise above the minutia of life
which clouds our thinking/being and keeps us from
seeing, experiencing and processing the world the way
we are meant to.
i welcome the experience & the challenge.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
living out truths
as committed as I am to living out my truths
and being the person that I am,
one thing that has been a constant challenge,
particularly in my work life lately, is: honesty.
Or, more specifically, being able to vocalize my true feelings.
I am learning more concretely that, particularly in the kind
of environment that I work in, honesty is the best policy.
but lately I have been struggling with how to share
my opinions and thoughts honestly without hurting or offending others
or looking like a complete ignoramous.
For years, I have played my cards conservatively in this realm for many reasons:
- fear
-intimidation
- lack of confidence in self
I had a positive conversation with my co-worker today
who reminded me that my voice is valid, regardless of my
breadth of knowlege & experience in my field of work as compared to others.
she reminded me to take ownership of my leadership skills
and use it without reservation.
truthfully, it has been difficult to find this affirmation within myself,
primarily because I am always my biggest critic.
so it felt good to hear what she had to say, even though I know that,
ultimately, I need to be able to find that affirmation within myself.
its amazing how regardless of how much we age, there are always things about us that we have yet to learn/master. There are always these "issues" or things we need to work out to be better human beings for ourselves and for others. I suppose that I am not as bad since I can at least recognize my short-comings. However, I still worry about what kind of mother I will be to my children with these un-reconciled "issues" looming over my head. I certainly don't want them to negatively affect how I raise my kids.
nevertheless, as I mentioned earlier, I am seeing more concretely how honesty really is the best policy...in every aspect of my life. In my work life where my focus right now is in developing solid infrastructure to support and develop a youth development program, honesty is crucial. I will continue on in learning through this process, and I hope to be able to write more about my progress on this journey soon...
as committed as I am to living out my truths
and being the person that I am,
one thing that has been a constant challenge,
particularly in my work life lately, is: honesty.
Or, more specifically, being able to vocalize my true feelings.
I am learning more concretely that, particularly in the kind
of environment that I work in, honesty is the best policy.
but lately I have been struggling with how to share
my opinions and thoughts honestly without hurting or offending others
or looking like a complete ignoramous.
For years, I have played my cards conservatively in this realm for many reasons:
- fear
-intimidation
- lack of confidence in self
I had a positive conversation with my co-worker today
who reminded me that my voice is valid, regardless of my
breadth of knowlege & experience in my field of work as compared to others.
she reminded me to take ownership of my leadership skills
and use it without reservation.
truthfully, it has been difficult to find this affirmation within myself,
primarily because I am always my biggest critic.
so it felt good to hear what she had to say, even though I know that,
ultimately, I need to be able to find that affirmation within myself.
its amazing how regardless of how much we age, there are always things about us that we have yet to learn/master. There are always these "issues" or things we need to work out to be better human beings for ourselves and for others. I suppose that I am not as bad since I can at least recognize my short-comings. However, I still worry about what kind of mother I will be to my children with these un-reconciled "issues" looming over my head. I certainly don't want them to negatively affect how I raise my kids.
nevertheless, as I mentioned earlier, I am seeing more concretely how honesty really is the best policy...in every aspect of my life. In my work life where my focus right now is in developing solid infrastructure to support and develop a youth development program, honesty is crucial. I will continue on in learning through this process, and I hope to be able to write more about my progress on this journey soon...
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I wish
it is 11:44p as I type on my laptop.
the bf is laying down next to me asleep.
I just tried to wake him up
and for the 3rd time tonight, he asked me to
wake him up in another 15 minutes.
i miss new york.
i wish we were both there right now,
taking in the sites and tastes...
especially the taste of my now favorite
Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. YUMMMM!
I think I had 4 of them when we last visited.
Aside from the crummy air,
I love New York.
If i had an opportunity to live there, I would take it.
Maybe if the bf's company opens up an NYC office?
For now, I just miss the energy
and the excitement of finding some new restaurant or
nook and cranny of this cool city.
I miss the character of the environment
as well as the very distinctive NYC culture.
what i would give for a slice of Grimaldi's pizza (or a slice of "pie" as they would say there), a Frozen Hot Chocolate from Serendipity
or some chicken and waffles from Amy Ruth's on 116th in Harlem.
I wish I were strolling around Central Park
or street vendor shopping along Broadway in SoHo.
I hope we can visit there one of these December days.
I'd love to see new York during the holiday season.
Or maybe in the fall when the leaves turn beautiful
autumnal colors.
for now i'll just dream about it while I surf the net.
good night.
it is 11:44p as I type on my laptop.
the bf is laying down next to me asleep.
I just tried to wake him up
and for the 3rd time tonight, he asked me to
wake him up in another 15 minutes.
i miss new york.
i wish we were both there right now,
taking in the sites and tastes...
especially the taste of my now favorite
Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. YUMMMM!
I think I had 4 of them when we last visited.
Aside from the crummy air,
I love New York.
If i had an opportunity to live there, I would take it.
Maybe if the bf's company opens up an NYC office?
For now, I just miss the energy
and the excitement of finding some new restaurant or
nook and cranny of this cool city.
I miss the character of the environment
as well as the very distinctive NYC culture.
what i would give for a slice of Grimaldi's pizza (or a slice of "pie" as they would say there), a Frozen Hot Chocolate from Serendipity
or some chicken and waffles from Amy Ruth's on 116th in Harlem.
I wish I were strolling around Central Park
or street vendor shopping along Broadway in SoHo.
I hope we can visit there one of these December days.
I'd love to see new York during the holiday season.
Or maybe in the fall when the leaves turn beautiful
autumnal colors.
for now i'll just dream about it while I surf the net.
good night.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
so here I am.
4 months into my new career journey in life.
today I am regaining more of my self back,
and am beginning to realize once again
that the answer I need will be found
by looking inward
at my strengths & capabilities as a person.
being a part of a collective group
who is learning to grow together as a team
AND
trying to find solutions/strategies for
organizational success
is truly a journey -
in the deepest, most complex and thickest sense of the word.
I think I have cried already like 5 times in the last 2-3 weeks.
I've endured at least 3 personal attacks by my co-worker (none of which, by the way, were warranted).
I've come home endless times in an emotionally and physically worn out state
that I can't even remember to brush my teeth.
My fucking back aches.
My facial complexion reflects the lack of blood circulating through my body.
I'm eating wayyy too much carbs & junk again.
When I sit at my desk or walk into work, I feel like a fucking zombie
because I don't even know WHERE to begin my day.
And to top it off, I didn't go to work on Monday plain and simply because
I didn't feel like it.
If it weren't for the fact that I love where I work, that I have enormous respect & admiration for my co-workers AND that I am hopeful in our ability to reach our potential in developing the phenomenal place that we work, then I would have quit a long time ago.
But no. I keep coming back for more of the deluge of mental and emotional stressors. I guess I am just delusional or simply masochistic. ;)
I often ask myself why this process of getting to a productive
and solid place with my team is such an arduous task.
Is it because one person truly holds the cards?
Is it because we are just incompetent?
Is it because we are just having a difficult time picking ourselves out of
the shit hole we've been in?
OR
Is this what organizational development is all about?????
At this point in time, I do believe that we are simply going through growing pains.
Unfortunately, because it is often difficult for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am just lost AS HELL!
And frankly, like the way I process most emotions, I just need to let that roll through me.
Even if it hurst like a MOFO.
I just gotta let it run through my system so that I can gain whatever it is I need to gain from it and grow as a person.
Today, however, the clouds parted in front of my eyes a little.
After seeing a violent (though edited) car crash on TV,
it shook me on such a fundamental level that I cried incessantly for
a couple of minutes.
And the one thing that flashed through my mind was:
What if I or the BF died today?
Would all this toiling and struggle at work really matter?
Would all of the crazy stuff I have been internalizing be as big of a deal as it often has been these last few weeks?
Without a doubt or hesitation, the answer for me was: NO.
Shit.
At least I could be clear about SOMETHING this week.
where do I want to be?
I want to be in a place where I have a clear direction in my work
so that I know how to prioritize my tasks and projects
AND
so that I can begin to create systems to help support my team.
I want to be in a place where there is solid infrastructure that our team can rely on for support.
I want to be in a place where I can be creative and develop new solutions without having an urgent deadline attached to it.
I want to stop running in crisis mode.
I want, I want, I want!
(break)
In processing the above thoughts,
I remembered the saying: "It's all about the journey"
Truly, this has been a good one filled with
zillions of growth opportunities.
I am learning enormous amounts of stuff that can never be taken away from me.
I value this and speak about myself in this way because,
truly,
I am who I have left at the end of the day.
I mean, of course, I have the BF,family and friends and all of these blessings
but
In the end, when I an struggling, it is really only me that can bail myself out of my rut.
It is really only me that can move forward if I choose to.
It's all about me when it comes to deciding on
being empowered vs. being tore down.
I want to ramble on in this process, but my eyes are drooping to sleep.
More processing later.... Good night!
4 months into my new career journey in life.
today I am regaining more of my self back,
and am beginning to realize once again
that the answer I need will be found
by looking inward
at my strengths & capabilities as a person.
being a part of a collective group
who is learning to grow together as a team
AND
trying to find solutions/strategies for
organizational success
is truly a journey -
in the deepest, most complex and thickest sense of the word.
I think I have cried already like 5 times in the last 2-3 weeks.
I've endured at least 3 personal attacks by my co-worker (none of which, by the way, were warranted).
I've come home endless times in an emotionally and physically worn out state
that I can't even remember to brush my teeth.
My fucking back aches.
My facial complexion reflects the lack of blood circulating through my body.
I'm eating wayyy too much carbs & junk again.
When I sit at my desk or walk into work, I feel like a fucking zombie
because I don't even know WHERE to begin my day.
And to top it off, I didn't go to work on Monday plain and simply because
I didn't feel like it.
If it weren't for the fact that I love where I work, that I have enormous respect & admiration for my co-workers AND that I am hopeful in our ability to reach our potential in developing the phenomenal place that we work, then I would have quit a long time ago.
But no. I keep coming back for more of the deluge of mental and emotional stressors. I guess I am just delusional or simply masochistic. ;)
I often ask myself why this process of getting to a productive
and solid place with my team is such an arduous task.
Is it because one person truly holds the cards?
Is it because we are just incompetent?
Is it because we are just having a difficult time picking ourselves out of
the shit hole we've been in?
OR
Is this what organizational development is all about?????
At this point in time, I do believe that we are simply going through growing pains.
Unfortunately, because it is often difficult for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am just lost AS HELL!
And frankly, like the way I process most emotions, I just need to let that roll through me.
Even if it hurst like a MOFO.
I just gotta let it run through my system so that I can gain whatever it is I need to gain from it and grow as a person.
Today, however, the clouds parted in front of my eyes a little.
After seeing a violent (though edited) car crash on TV,
it shook me on such a fundamental level that I cried incessantly for
a couple of minutes.
And the one thing that flashed through my mind was:
What if I or the BF died today?
Would all this toiling and struggle at work really matter?
Would all of the crazy stuff I have been internalizing be as big of a deal as it often has been these last few weeks?
Without a doubt or hesitation, the answer for me was: NO.
Shit.
At least I could be clear about SOMETHING this week.
where do I want to be?
I want to be in a place where I have a clear direction in my work
so that I know how to prioritize my tasks and projects
AND
so that I can begin to create systems to help support my team.
I want to be in a place where there is solid infrastructure that our team can rely on for support.
I want to be in a place where I can be creative and develop new solutions without having an urgent deadline attached to it.
I want to stop running in crisis mode.
I want, I want, I want!
(break)
In processing the above thoughts,
I remembered the saying: "It's all about the journey"
Truly, this has been a good one filled with
zillions of growth opportunities.
I am learning enormous amounts of stuff that can never be taken away from me.
I value this and speak about myself in this way because,
truly,
I am who I have left at the end of the day.
I mean, of course, I have the BF,family and friends and all of these blessings
but
In the end, when I an struggling, it is really only me that can bail myself out of my rut.
It is really only me that can move forward if I choose to.
It's all about me when it comes to deciding on
being empowered vs. being tore down.
I want to ramble on in this process, but my eyes are drooping to sleep.
More processing later.... Good night!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
i tried
went running today, then to yoga
to flush out the mental and physical toxins
of my usually overloaded work day.
i think my body was happy, but
my brain was still left a little anxiety-ridden
what with my list of 100+ to do's at work.
came back from my New York vacation on Apr. 30.
Me and the BF were away since Apr. 21.
We had the best time eating, site seeing, eating,
eating & spending quality time with friends and MOST ESPECIALLY
babysitting little miss Cameron.
we are so attached to this 5 month old angel.
we miss her everyday, and I swear, our extensive time with
her
left us reeling to have kids of our own...soon.
then, it was back to the chaos of work on 5/2.
all was well and i was refreshed until wednesday of that week hit.
shit...it hit me really hard.
...so hard that i started a crying fest in our staff meeting that day.
but ever since then, i have had this very grounded sense of
my current reality.
not sure where this 6th sense came from, but it makes
me feel like an adult.
I suppose my 32 years of experiencing life
is beginning to feel like it counts for something.
i'm definitely starting to see my potential be realized
in different ways, mainly in regaining a self confidence
that has been missing in quite some time.
i've realized that when i am doing what i love,
the best things come out of me.
i think i have also had hundreds of epiphanies & visions
of how to make things better.
i'm so happy to be inspired again.
thank god my last job didn't completely
suck the life out of me!
i owe it to myself to really write in depth about
my priceless experience at the center.
it has been so incredibly rich, even with the pockets
of drama, politics and heartache.
I keep thinking to myself
that even though my days are chock full of shit to do,
and even though this time is about struggle for everyone I work with,
this is simply life-
a different aspect of it,
but fundamentally the same thing.
and i just need to figure out how to maneuver through it
just like any other thing in my life.
will write more later. til next time
went running today, then to yoga
to flush out the mental and physical toxins
of my usually overloaded work day.
i think my body was happy, but
my brain was still left a little anxiety-ridden
what with my list of 100+ to do's at work.
came back from my New York vacation on Apr. 30.
Me and the BF were away since Apr. 21.
We had the best time eating, site seeing, eating,
eating & spending quality time with friends and MOST ESPECIALLY
babysitting little miss Cameron.
we are so attached to this 5 month old angel.
we miss her everyday, and I swear, our extensive time with
her
left us reeling to have kids of our own...soon.
then, it was back to the chaos of work on 5/2.
all was well and i was refreshed until wednesday of that week hit.
shit...it hit me really hard.
...so hard that i started a crying fest in our staff meeting that day.
but ever since then, i have had this very grounded sense of
my current reality.
not sure where this 6th sense came from, but it makes
me feel like an adult.
I suppose my 32 years of experiencing life
is beginning to feel like it counts for something.
i'm definitely starting to see my potential be realized
in different ways, mainly in regaining a self confidence
that has been missing in quite some time.
i've realized that when i am doing what i love,
the best things come out of me.
i think i have also had hundreds of epiphanies & visions
of how to make things better.
i'm so happy to be inspired again.
thank god my last job didn't completely
suck the life out of me!
i owe it to myself to really write in depth about
my priceless experience at the center.
it has been so incredibly rich, even with the pockets
of drama, politics and heartache.
I keep thinking to myself
that even though my days are chock full of shit to do,
and even though this time is about struggle for everyone I work with,
this is simply life-
a different aspect of it,
but fundamentally the same thing.
and i just need to figure out how to maneuver through it
just like any other thing in my life.
will write more later. til next time
Friday, April 15, 2005
poetry in motion
I have worked in the center now for almost 3 months.
All I can say is that it has been an honor and a privelege
to be part of this project,
even with all the infrastructural headaches,
and all the usual start-up issues.
I had a moment to speak with all of the different
vendors, artists and program partners today
as they did their work.
And the one thing they all shared is their pride
and appreciation for being able to
share their talents to help make this place what it is.
As I type this blog in my boss' office while I look
out into our lovely space,
I can't help but feel a strong sense of certainty
about the power and inspiration that this place
has brought to many, including myself.
Regardless of the longevity of this center,
the level of collaboration, work and commitment put into this place
is a testament to
the TRUE GOOD in people
and
the power that love and commitment has
to make people achieve great things
in order to help others.
I have worked in the center now for almost 3 months.
All I can say is that it has been an honor and a privelege
to be part of this project,
even with all the infrastructural headaches,
and all the usual start-up issues.
I had a moment to speak with all of the different
vendors, artists and program partners today
as they did their work.
And the one thing they all shared is their pride
and appreciation for being able to
share their talents to help make this place what it is.
As I type this blog in my boss' office while I look
out into our lovely space,
I can't help but feel a strong sense of certainty
about the power and inspiration that this place
has brought to many, including myself.
Regardless of the longevity of this center,
the level of collaboration, work and commitment put into this place
is a testament to
the TRUE GOOD in people
and
the power that love and commitment has
to make people achieve great things
in order to help others.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
that which cannot be won
(Chi, if you are reading, the "E-genes" strike again.)
With certain people in my life, it is a constant battle -
a battle to achieve complete acceptance of the person i am not.
I suppose you could say it is a perfect example
of how the same values that make them a "good person"
also limits their openness to other values/perspectives.
I can go for hours on a socio-policital/philosophical tangent
about the roots of this unnessary battle that i've been fighting for years.
But to be quite honest, it is a battle that will never be won
until the other person changes their entire belief system.
And quite frankly, life is too short, and I am too tired to wait for this to happen.
I am tired of feeling obligated to feel some sort of guilt.
i am tired of feeling like I have to constantly accomodate for this lack of understanding/openness to my values so that the other can feel better.
I am tired of feeling like I have to sugar-coat the situation instead of
having a direct, adult conversation
I am tired of battling emotional reactions that do nothing but create negative space
and inhibit growth.
I am tired of feeling like I am the bad one.
And most of all, I am tired of the conditioned response/thought process I experience as I go through this. The years of beating myself up over this mess only adds to my confusion on how to reconcile this issue within myself.
I've already prayed to God a million times for positive change even though people must take their own initiative to change themselves.
I want to have hope even though I know in my heart that it will take 10+ lifetimes to undo damage of this magnitude.
At this point, I see the only source of answers is within myself and what I have learned from my repeated experience with this. All I need is to trust this, myself, my own wisdom, buried beneath all the socio-political/philosophical layers of reasoning.
(Chi, if you are reading, the "E-genes" strike again.)
With certain people in my life, it is a constant battle -
a battle to achieve complete acceptance of the person i am not.
I suppose you could say it is a perfect example
of how the same values that make them a "good person"
also limits their openness to other values/perspectives.
I can go for hours on a socio-policital/philosophical tangent
about the roots of this unnessary battle that i've been fighting for years.
But to be quite honest, it is a battle that will never be won
until the other person changes their entire belief system.
And quite frankly, life is too short, and I am too tired to wait for this to happen.
I am tired of feeling obligated to feel some sort of guilt.
i am tired of feeling like I have to constantly accomodate for this lack of understanding/openness to my values so that the other can feel better.
I am tired of feeling like I have to sugar-coat the situation instead of
having a direct, adult conversation
I am tired of battling emotional reactions that do nothing but create negative space
and inhibit growth.
I am tired of feeling like I am the bad one.
And most of all, I am tired of the conditioned response/thought process I experience as I go through this. The years of beating myself up over this mess only adds to my confusion on how to reconcile this issue within myself.
I've already prayed to God a million times for positive change even though people must take their own initiative to change themselves.
I want to have hope even though I know in my heart that it will take 10+ lifetimes to undo damage of this magnitude.
At this point, I see the only source of answers is within myself and what I have learned from my repeated experience with this. All I need is to trust this, myself, my own wisdom, buried beneath all the socio-political/philosophical layers of reasoning.
Friday, March 18, 2005
redefining identity
now that i am knee-deep into community work,
i am finding that i am not quite the same
"community worker/activist" that i used to be.
actually, i'm not sure if i can really define
myself as an "activist" as i am not your typical
grassroots organizer. or maybe i am but in a different way?
I definitely see myself as one who is "down".
Down with revolution,
Down with politicization,
Down with deconstructing and redefining social norms.
however, i must be honest with myself
and recognizing that I'm not as "down" as the real
deal "down" folks are.
i suppose that my biggest challenge is being more consistent
in educating myself on social issues, history, etc.
and practicing what i believe.
i question myself often, especially when
i come across people who exemplify the kind
of person i want to be.
I suppose this is natural
but i could not help but ponder this
as i surfed the net researching sites
of community organizations,
grassroots organizers,
youth movement organizers...
i support their mission/work wholeheartedly.
but for some reason or other,
a part of me felt removed from it.
i'm a little confused by this because
i was once a part of these types of social movements.
perhaps i'm a different person, changed by my more recent experiences.
i think i need to think about this one a little more...
now that i am knee-deep into community work,
i am finding that i am not quite the same
"community worker/activist" that i used to be.
actually, i'm not sure if i can really define
myself as an "activist" as i am not your typical
grassroots organizer. or maybe i am but in a different way?
I definitely see myself as one who is "down".
Down with revolution,
Down with politicization,
Down with deconstructing and redefining social norms.
however, i must be honest with myself
and recognizing that I'm not as "down" as the real
deal "down" folks are.
i suppose that my biggest challenge is being more consistent
in educating myself on social issues, history, etc.
and practicing what i believe.
i question myself often, especially when
i come across people who exemplify the kind
of person i want to be.
I suppose this is natural
but i could not help but ponder this
as i surfed the net researching sites
of community organizations,
grassroots organizers,
youth movement organizers...
i support their mission/work wholeheartedly.
but for some reason or other,
a part of me felt removed from it.
i'm a little confused by this because
i was once a part of these types of social movements.
perhaps i'm a different person, changed by my more recent experiences.
i think i need to think about this one a little more...
Sunday, March 13, 2005
injustice
since i have been a terrible blog-slacker,
i am making myself write this entry whether i
think i want to or not.
i've been noticing how obviously incomplete
my experiences have been when i do not give
them proper "processing time", and i know that
it is because i've failed to write and document
like i used to. i hope to change that.
right now i am feeling super reflective
and the processing wheels in my head are spinning
100 mph.
i'm pensive about what is going on with a close friend
of mine across the miles.
i am distraught and angry about the injustice he
is experiencing and i can't help but vent.
i just finished reading an e-mail he sent
detailing the timeline of the circumstance.
i cannot fathom the abuse of power displayed
by his superiors, especially within an organization
that claims to promote justice/peace.
unfortunately, i will have to postpone my
venting session for another time.
it's time for me to get ready for my massage appointment.
only this time, i am the client.
til next time
since i have been a terrible blog-slacker,
i am making myself write this entry whether i
think i want to or not.
i've been noticing how obviously incomplete
my experiences have been when i do not give
them proper "processing time", and i know that
it is because i've failed to write and document
like i used to. i hope to change that.
right now i am feeling super reflective
and the processing wheels in my head are spinning
100 mph.
i'm pensive about what is going on with a close friend
of mine across the miles.
i am distraught and angry about the injustice he
is experiencing and i can't help but vent.
i just finished reading an e-mail he sent
detailing the timeline of the circumstance.
i cannot fathom the abuse of power displayed
by his superiors, especially within an organization
that claims to promote justice/peace.
unfortunately, i will have to postpone my
venting session for another time.
it's time for me to get ready for my massage appointment.
only this time, i am the client.
til next time
chaos brings enlightenment
i finally got a new job. but because i am back to doing
my "life's work" (as my old friend would call it), I don't
really consider it to be a "job".
thankfully, i am back in the world of youth development.
this time, i am helping to open and manage an amazing, amazing
youth community center in the heart of one of the most culturally
rich but underresourced neighborhoods in the bay. the center has been in the planning and construction stages for the last 4 years, which involved
one of the most grasroots, community/youth-centered approaches to
development. i'll bet that going through that process beats
ANY formal Masters degree program anywhere. i am in awe.
the woman who was the project lead is my frickin' idol.
i can't even begin to describe how awesome she is for
working the system and galvanizing people to invest
sweat equity and close to $20,000,000 to build this place.
Needless to say, there is so much i (all of us) have to learn from her.
I love working with my new teammates. i can't tell you
how refreshing it is to be back in a space where my values
are aligned with the people around me AND where I am
inspired by the experiences and levels of commitment and passion
of my team. I believe that this part of my experience is what
has made the most difference. My mental and physical state
has literally taken a 180 degree turn for the better.
finally, i can breath, see clearly and move forward.
i also am in awe of the new community i will be working in.
i'm glad to finally be out of the city where i have invested myself
for almost 10 years. i do not regret the experience, but
i have always wanted to invest in the east bay where i grew up.
besides, the city is very saturated with services (which is a great thing),
but this time around i wanted to invest in and better understand
communities on my side of the bay.
this new community is literally like another country to me.
they have their own lingo, their own culture, their own distinct history.
it's almost like moving to new york, which is what i've been wanting to do for a new experience, but i don't actually have to move.
when i think about this community, it reminds me of the Gallapagos Islands -
the island that Charles Darwin refers to in his theory of evolution.
Somehow this community mimicks this island in the way it has evolved
into a very distinct place with a rich history. i sometimes can't believe
that it is part of the bay area. With the exception of San francisco &
Berkeley, the surrounding cities pale in comparison to this community.
I can't tell you how excited i am to immerse myself in it and learn more.
I reflect a lot on my experience in my last job and i often think that i had the type of experience that i did because it was preparing me for this new one. and i've also realized that the often dreadful experience i had at my last job for the 1 year, 8 months and 4 days that i was there was meant to teach me something very important:
It taught me that my values & passions will always, ALWAYS determine what makes me happy and that i need to continue on this path, this search for truth, to live out my full potential.
I believe that i have been given another chance to do this in this new community. And while i feel this enormous burden of responsibility to make good with what the people before me built, i sense that my direction in life/perspective/values are somehow right again.
i finally got a new job. but because i am back to doing
my "life's work" (as my old friend would call it), I don't
really consider it to be a "job".
thankfully, i am back in the world of youth development.
this time, i am helping to open and manage an amazing, amazing
youth community center in the heart of one of the most culturally
rich but underresourced neighborhoods in the bay. the center has been in the planning and construction stages for the last 4 years, which involved
one of the most grasroots, community/youth-centered approaches to
development. i'll bet that going through that process beats
ANY formal Masters degree program anywhere. i am in awe.
the woman who was the project lead is my frickin' idol.
i can't even begin to describe how awesome she is for
working the system and galvanizing people to invest
sweat equity and close to $20,000,000 to build this place.
Needless to say, there is so much i (all of us) have to learn from her.
I love working with my new teammates. i can't tell you
how refreshing it is to be back in a space where my values
are aligned with the people around me AND where I am
inspired by the experiences and levels of commitment and passion
of my team. I believe that this part of my experience is what
has made the most difference. My mental and physical state
has literally taken a 180 degree turn for the better.
finally, i can breath, see clearly and move forward.
i also am in awe of the new community i will be working in.
i'm glad to finally be out of the city where i have invested myself
for almost 10 years. i do not regret the experience, but
i have always wanted to invest in the east bay where i grew up.
besides, the city is very saturated with services (which is a great thing),
but this time around i wanted to invest in and better understand
communities on my side of the bay.
this new community is literally like another country to me.
they have their own lingo, their own culture, their own distinct history.
it's almost like moving to new york, which is what i've been wanting to do for a new experience, but i don't actually have to move.
when i think about this community, it reminds me of the Gallapagos Islands -
the island that Charles Darwin refers to in his theory of evolution.
Somehow this community mimicks this island in the way it has evolved
into a very distinct place with a rich history. i sometimes can't believe
that it is part of the bay area. With the exception of San francisco &
Berkeley, the surrounding cities pale in comparison to this community.
I can't tell you how excited i am to immerse myself in it and learn more.
I reflect a lot on my experience in my last job and i often think that i had the type of experience that i did because it was preparing me for this new one. and i've also realized that the often dreadful experience i had at my last job for the 1 year, 8 months and 4 days that i was there was meant to teach me something very important:
It taught me that my values & passions will always, ALWAYS determine what makes me happy and that i need to continue on this path, this search for truth, to live out my full potential.
I believe that i have been given another chance to do this in this new community. And while i feel this enormous burden of responsibility to make good with what the people before me built, i sense that my direction in life/perspective/values are somehow right again.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
i am finally tucked into the covers of
our lovely bed.
pajamas on.
laptop on - where else? - my lap.
i packed away all of my stuff from our
little get-away to Carmel for our 13th year
anniversary where all we did
was walk around,
eat,
and watch TV in our hotel room.
It was a welcome breath of fresh air
and time away from our daily routine
and easy access to computers.
thankfully, my bf didn't type on
a computer at all for the entire weekend.
his arms, hands, wrists and fingers deserved a break.
Carmel is so quiet - a perfect place to lose
yourself in art (paintings, photography, sculpture)
as there are a gazillion galleries in the downtown
area. Me and the bf stayed in a hotel smack dab in the
middle of all these lovely galleries, shops and restaurants.
We actually hit the opening reception at the Weston Gallery
for the exhibit of work by Jeffrey Becom.
They featured some of his newest photography from his trips to Peru.
he is quite fascinated by the bright colors of buildings
and homes throughout this country.
I believe it is a cultural thing, but I haven't
quite figured out the story.
After the reception, me and the bf
wined and dined at a local french restaurant.
we share stuffed mushrooms for appetizers
and chicken pot pie and quiche for entrees.
we both had a lovely glass of merlot
which actually gave me a little burst of energy
and nice buzz.
we topped off dinner with a pot au chocolat and
an evening stroll down ocean avenue.
since the town pretty much closes down by 9p,
(even on the weekends)
we spent the rest of the night watching the SAG
Awards and tending to the bf's aching tummy.
Note to self: never mix wine, coffee, butter and dairy.
earlier that morning we had a nice leisurely walk
up and down the beach and through the shops in town.
we spent a good 2 hours or so having lunch
at one of the quaint little cafe's.
for the first time in a long time
he and i actually finished our coffee in the cafe
while we talked and waved at little kids passing
by in the window.
I don't know why we don't make the time to do
that when we are home.
We will definitely have to change that.
On our car ride home,
we both realized how much needed
this little get away was for us.
being away from everything and
everyone helps us to
"re-set" and get re-inspired,
especially since we always have so many
different responsibilities to tend to.
during our walk along the beach,
i focused on the things that caught me eye, like
the muted greyish-brown of the sand,
the muted blue-green of the water,
the bulb-like shapes of seaweed,
the various-shaped rocks peppered across the shore...
I think i have an idea now of what i would like to paint next.
and it will hang in our bedroom wall.
I focused on textures, my favorites being
the graininess of the sandy shore
juxtaposed by the smoothness of black
rocks weathered down by hundreds of
clashes with the ocean tide.
I floated on the mood, the spirit of
this tiny spec of existence
where people ran freely
dogs ran wildly
and saying hello or flashing a smile
to the stranger in front of you
happened without hesitation, doubt or pause.
On this trip to little Carmel,
I was reminded once again of
the enormouse significance
of this simplicity
of my experience.
our lovely bed.
pajamas on.
laptop on - where else? - my lap.
i packed away all of my stuff from our
little get-away to Carmel for our 13th year
anniversary where all we did
was walk around,
eat,
and watch TV in our hotel room.
It was a welcome breath of fresh air
and time away from our daily routine
and easy access to computers.
thankfully, my bf didn't type on
a computer at all for the entire weekend.
his arms, hands, wrists and fingers deserved a break.
Carmel is so quiet - a perfect place to lose
yourself in art (paintings, photography, sculpture)
as there are a gazillion galleries in the downtown
area. Me and the bf stayed in a hotel smack dab in the
middle of all these lovely galleries, shops and restaurants.
We actually hit the opening reception at the Weston Gallery
for the exhibit of work by Jeffrey Becom.
They featured some of his newest photography from his trips to Peru.
he is quite fascinated by the bright colors of buildings
and homes throughout this country.
I believe it is a cultural thing, but I haven't
quite figured out the story.
After the reception, me and the bf
wined and dined at a local french restaurant.
we share stuffed mushrooms for appetizers
and chicken pot pie and quiche for entrees.
we both had a lovely glass of merlot
which actually gave me a little burst of energy
and nice buzz.
we topped off dinner with a pot au chocolat and
an evening stroll down ocean avenue.
since the town pretty much closes down by 9p,
(even on the weekends)
we spent the rest of the night watching the SAG
Awards and tending to the bf's aching tummy.
Note to self: never mix wine, coffee, butter and dairy.
earlier that morning we had a nice leisurely walk
up and down the beach and through the shops in town.
we spent a good 2 hours or so having lunch
at one of the quaint little cafe's.
for the first time in a long time
he and i actually finished our coffee in the cafe
while we talked and waved at little kids passing
by in the window.
I don't know why we don't make the time to do
that when we are home.
We will definitely have to change that.
On our car ride home,
we both realized how much needed
this little get away was for us.
being away from everything and
everyone helps us to
"re-set" and get re-inspired,
especially since we always have so many
different responsibilities to tend to.
during our walk along the beach,
i focused on the things that caught me eye, like
the muted greyish-brown of the sand,
the muted blue-green of the water,
the bulb-like shapes of seaweed,
the various-shaped rocks peppered across the shore...
I think i have an idea now of what i would like to paint next.
and it will hang in our bedroom wall.
I focused on textures, my favorites being
the graininess of the sandy shore
juxtaposed by the smoothness of black
rocks weathered down by hundreds of
clashes with the ocean tide.
I floated on the mood, the spirit of
this tiny spec of existence
where people ran freely
dogs ran wildly
and saying hello or flashing a smile
to the stranger in front of you
happened without hesitation, doubt or pause.
On this trip to little Carmel,
I was reminded once again of
the enormouse significance
of this simplicity
of my experience.
Friday, January 14, 2005
1:01 a.m.
today was my last day at work.
after 1 year, 8 months, and 7 days,
i am still in awe that it is all over.
done.
tapos.
finito.
I feel like I have literally graduated
from one of the most challenging work experiences
of my life. And like any graduation day,
i am happy but super duper
reflective -
reflective of the times I bit my tongue to survive,
to the times I developed friendships
from countless hours bitching about a-typical office
issues.
i'm reflective of what this experience
actually turned out to be:
a chapter of life filled with
dozens and dozens of challenges
meant to help me evolve.revolve.transform.
i realize how much i have learned about myself:
my challenges with knowing how to empower myself
in disempowering situations, my ability to survive
day-to-day in spite of everything.
i realize that my challenges in this place
were not an accident.
i truly believe i was meant to experience,
affect and be effected by the people around me
as well as the turn of events that presented themselves.
there was a reason for every challenge,
every milestone, every ho-hum day
and most importantly, i believe there was always someone there
guiding me along the way.
Most of all, I am thankful
for relationships that helped me grow.
there is absolutely no doubt in my mind
that developing and maintaing relationships
is the number one thing that makes this
world go round.
i am thankful that in the end,
my time wasn't all wasted as i thought,
and that now i have even more to
bring to my new adventure.
i can't wait to dive into another chapter of this story.
today was my last day at work.
after 1 year, 8 months, and 7 days,
i am still in awe that it is all over.
done.
tapos.
finito.
I feel like I have literally graduated
from one of the most challenging work experiences
of my life. And like any graduation day,
i am happy but super duper
reflective -
reflective of the times I bit my tongue to survive,
to the times I developed friendships
from countless hours bitching about a-typical office
issues.
i'm reflective of what this experience
actually turned out to be:
a chapter of life filled with
dozens and dozens of challenges
meant to help me evolve.revolve.transform.
i realize how much i have learned about myself:
my challenges with knowing how to empower myself
in disempowering situations, my ability to survive
day-to-day in spite of everything.
i realize that my challenges in this place
were not an accident.
i truly believe i was meant to experience,
affect and be effected by the people around me
as well as the turn of events that presented themselves.
there was a reason for every challenge,
every milestone, every ho-hum day
and most importantly, i believe there was always someone there
guiding me along the way.
Most of all, I am thankful
for relationships that helped me grow.
there is absolutely no doubt in my mind
that developing and maintaing relationships
is the number one thing that makes this
world go round.
i am thankful that in the end,
my time wasn't all wasted as i thought,
and that now i have even more to
bring to my new adventure.
i can't wait to dive into another chapter of this story.
Friday, January 07, 2005
change brings new beginnings
In yoga, breathing is an integral part of the practice.
It brings fresh oxygen to the entire body and a calmness
that brings a deeper sense of focus.
On the exhale, I am able to let go
of all the toxins (physical and mental) that keep
my self from positive being.
...after holding my breath for exactly one year and
7 months, i got the call that ended 2004 on a high note:
I WAS OFFERED A NEW JOB!
The exhale was sublime.
In yoga, breathing is an integral part of the practice.
It brings fresh oxygen to the entire body and a calmness
that brings a deeper sense of focus.
On the exhale, I am able to let go
of all the toxins (physical and mental) that keep
my self from positive being.
...after holding my breath for exactly one year and
7 months, i got the call that ended 2004 on a high note:
I WAS OFFERED A NEW JOB!
The exhale was sublime.