roll call...

yes, I am still alive.
my bf just mentioned that I haven't written in here for quite some time.
trust me, I've been wanting to, but my time has literally been filled
with things...party planning, cooking, cleaning, working too many damn hours, etc. etc.

Today is perhaps one of the first days of "down time" I've had.
'been cleaning up the house. 'getting it "back to normal" from our
several parties and gatherings over these past few weeks.
It's amazing how quickly and crazily the holiday season creeped up on me!

x-mas at our house
we actually had x-mas here at the house with my bf's parents, my uncle & cousins, and my family.
it was a great time. Uncle and my cousins only stayed for 3 hours
since they had another family party to attend
in the city next to ours.
but we made the most of our time together.

Uncle marinated steak and insisted upon grilling
it on my kalawang-ed bbq grill.
thank goodness we all have updated tetanus shots!
He made my cousin's boyfriend do the bbq-ing since he
is the family expert.
and damn did he grill that steak well!!!

Of course, it took a little while to light the charcoal
being that it was a tad on the cold side and all.
but, alas, my dear old dad was there to our rescue!
with a Californian magazine and lighter in hand,
he proceeded to fill the bottom of my grill
with about 10 wadded up pieces of the magazine
all lit up with fire.
'twas a tad bizarre to see and of course
we all teased and joked about it,
but hey,
he got our charcoal lit and ready for grillin'!

Our yummy steaks went well with the rest of our delicious spread:
- beef caldereta & salmon sinigang (thanks to mama sita seasoning packets, I can call myself a cook!)
- lechon kawali (my uncle's creation)
- green salad with carrots and tomatoes
- a Honey Bake ham (YUM! 'been eating it in sandwiches...will use it to make ham-musubi this week)
- rice (of course)
- Red Ribbon mango cake
- my mom's fruit salad
- baked yams with melted marshmallow topping (a la my friends, S & D...oh this is scrumptous!)
- and tons of beer, soda, and coffee left over from our annual x-mas party

another wedding conversation...argh!!!
After we were all stuffed,
my and my bf's parents proceeded to have the same conversation that
they always have when they see eachother: why me and the bf are not yet married.
UGH!
This conversation at x-mas was particularly interesting as they
began planning..jokingly of course...but literally planning
who to invite, what to wear, who'd cook what.

They keep saying that we don't have to have a grand affair,
so they were planning with very practical heads on their shoulders.
It was quite fun and funny actually,
cause I loved all of it.
I mean, whenever it comes time for us to do the whole shabang,
me and the bf would much rather have something small and actually more
like a typical family party.
We're not really into the whole "formal affair".

If I had my wish, I really wouldn't mind having it in my parent's backyard.
They have this beautiful view of the bay...well, that is once my
dad managed to put enough plant killer to kill our neighbor's humongous bush,
which blocked our view! ;)

but i digress.
I know our parents really just want grandchildren already.
and that's ok.
I just hope they understand how very unorthodoxed/untraditional me and the bf are.
and that is something we value, because our parents have afforded us that luxury.
Instead of putting all of our focus on survival, we are able to look at and experience the world
with the purpose of living out our truths and reaching our potential
without worrying about the limits that "societal norms" create.

It is an extraordinary gift to have that perspective and, truly, if it were not for our parents
teaching us how to take care of ourselves, affording us top notch educations,
and literally providing us with everything we've needed for
our day to day survival growing up,
we would not be in this place.
We would not love and value eachother the way we do, even without that piece of paper that is supposed to
legitimize our togetherness.
Cause we know better.
Cause our vision is greater and more vast than society's definitions.
and because our heart and soul can truly appreciate truth and life
for what it really is.

day-to-day
it feels good to see my words on the screen.
'been apprehensive about writing here for days now.
on the one hand, i've been needing this space to process
and ultimately contribute to my healing.
but on the other hand,
i am afraid my writing will not do justice to everything i have
been experiencing over these
last few weeks.

today
I am strong.
'got through work just fine after praying to auntie
and every possible saint and god there is.
i am so behind on things.
but surprisingly,
i definitely breath a little lighter there
ever since auntie's passing.

yesterday
I was an emotional ball.
I missed auntie again.
we all did.
Although me and Uncle's joint b-day party here at my house
was just as fun and crazy and tummy-filling
as all of our get togethers,
there was a noticeable void.
Though not physically, i know auntie was there with us.
How else would we be able to laugh and dance and play all night?
Her beautiful, fun-loving, energetic spirit is an indelible part of all of us.

today
my brother kept uncle company on his errands to the hospital.
uncle was noticeably distant but still positive and funny as he always is.
all of us pray for him and my cousins the hardest.
they are all strong and able to move forward.
but we can only imagine how much they miss her.
if only we could help make the load in their hearts a little lighter.

there's just so much to write about. I don't even know where to begin.
I shoulda wrote every day like I did before...especially when I was unemployed.
maybe i will just end this for now with the short eulogy i shared about auntie on the first Wake/Viewing service. Perhaps tomorrow I can continue in this process of mine....

11.22.2003
in honor of auntie linda...

I think I now understand
what it feels like to lose a parent.
Auntie Linda was like a second mother to me.

As one of my parents' closest barkadas, Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry
are always together with them.
They are inseperable.
Together they are literally a comedic, carbon copy, bizarro version of eachother...
Kind of like the Disney characters, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum...times 2!

And because they are inseperable,
Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry have played a significant role
throughout my life.
They have become my second set of parents
...except they don't yell at me or bug me about stuff.

In spite of the pain, anger and sometimes hopelessness
I've been feeling over the last 3 days,
the one things that sustains me is Auntie Linda herself...
everything she is,
and the moments I had with her.

So to my auntie...

THANK YOU...for listening to me go on and on about my petty problems
that evening in your kitchen (before Uncle burned it down) ;)
while we ate Uncle's adobo
and shared a mango for dessert.
You made me feel so much better about things.

THANK YOU...for being my guinea pig when I first became a massage therapist.
Even though I know you preferred your usual therapist,
you still hired me to come to the house to give you massages anyway
AND you fed me dinner too!

THANK YOU...for that time at a family party
when you & I took a shot of madeira wine together.
It's not everyday that one actually gets to drink up with their auntie.
But you were just cool like that.

THANK YOU...for welcoming [my bf] into your family as another son
and for treating him accordingly, like
teasing him about his long hair...you said he looked like Jesus
or
nagging him about proposing to me already.

And finally,
THANK YOU...for sharing in so much of me and [my brother's] lives.
From birthdays to graduations...you were always there
supportying us
just as proudly as our own parents.

I miss you now
and always will
my energetic,
funny,
fun-loving,
LOUD,
shameless,
sexy-cool,
classy,
sassy,
Super Star auntie.

...you have impacted my life more than you know.
i love you.