And her soul lives on...

What a perfect afternoon & evening I had on Friday - my last day at work before
going on maternity leave.

Although I was in a bit of a rush to complete everything on my "to do" list,
my company for the rest of the afternoon, my co-worker & sistah F,
kept me sane and comforted.
Thank goodness for her and the music she kept feeding out of her computer speakers.
What could have been a chaotic afternoon was actually quite pleasant.

I finally completed my work around 7pm (yes, you read that correctly)
and F and I headed out to dinner at our favorite restaurant, Caffe Venezia.
We purposely worked a little longer so that we would be hungry enough to enjoy
a proper dinner there. And I tell you, it was worth the overtime hours working
and the 1 hour wait to get seated for dinner!

EVERYTHING was equisite!

The bread...
The olive oil...
Our appetizer - Frito Misto (fried calamari, fennel and lemons)...
Even the salad dressing and my grenadine Italian soda was EXACTLY the way I liked it.
Our favorite entree - Linguine con Gamberoni (linguine with prawns) - was perfect. Seasoned just right and super flavorful.
And of course, our favorite dessert - Torta Gelato - topped off our fabulous dinner with a bang.

It was truly one of the best dinners I've had there.

Every part of my last afternoon/evening at work on Friday was perfect - good, quality time with F and excellent food to share. It was truly a blessing to feel LIFE again after 3-weeks of stressing at work to get everything done before my 4-month maternity leave. And I was even more thankful that I could spend it with my sistah F - she has been someone I have grown really close to over the past year and has truly been a God send.

Then, after dropping her off at home, I called my mom and got the news about Tita Alma - my mom's oldest sister and one of my most favorite people - she had passed on. She had fallen into a coma on Monday within minutes after her check-up in which she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Ironically, that Friday of her passing was also her birthday.

And in an instant, my beautiful afternoon made even more sense: It was Tita Alma's way of letting me celebrate life on her RE-birth. And what an appropriate way to let me celebrate - with great food and great friends...2 of my most VALUED treasures! I truly could not have asked for anything more on what could have been a horrible day. Instead of grief, I felt so much LOVE.

That night, I found 2 of the books that Tita Alma gave me a few years ago. One was about yoga and the other a tiny book written by a well-respected leader in the Brahma Kumari faith (which Tita Alma was a part of) about a better way of living, learning and loving. And in each of those books, I re-read Tita Alma's dedications/messages to me. One was about the importance of finding truth and the other was a reminder that first and foremost, we are all SOULS living within our bodies. Her messages resonated with me like a loud gong...

so honest.
so true - with no inkling of pretense or preachiness.
so affirming of my own beliefs and values.
It was EVERYTHING Tita Alma was about and how she lived her life -
and now it is the vehicle in which she passes on to her next life.

Poetic beauty - it was so overwhelming. These two humble gifts and Tita's messages are now two of my most valued treasures. Before I went to bed that night, I hugged them close to me and said a prayer of thanks to my Tita for always showing me what was important in life. As a child, she taught me to love myself and to never doubt that I would always be loved by her and my family - solid foundations that have kept me standing all of these years. And now, in adulthood, she continues to teach me the importance of deconstructing and redefining life in order to find my truths. And ultimately, to live out these truths fully, with no reservation or doubt.

Thank you, Tita Alma. You will continue to be a part of my soul, as you have always been even across the miles. Now, you are just a meditation or a prayer away. May your next life continue to transform you into the BEAUTIFUL, BRIGHT LIGHT that you are and know that you will continue to be loved and remembered by every soul you have touched in this life.

Until we meet again...

P.S. Say hi to Tita Lyn, Lola and Lolo. I bet Tita Lyn has already met her favorite artist, Elvis...and is probably enjoying x-mas dinner with him right now. ;)

week 29 (7 months, one week, and 4 days)

I cannot believe we have made it this far in our pregnancy.
Just 3-4 months ago, I was still taking one day at a time,
hoping for the best. I didn't put too much stock in what
was to come - just in case.
My pregnancy is deemed high risk, so I've just been
super cautious emotionally.

Then, after my checkup last week, I just sobbed.
For some reason, it hit me hard that this little being
in my belly has survived and grown over these
last 7 months - with no interference from his large
fibroid neighbor. AND that we were now beginning
the final trimester of this journey.
So I gave thanks for that specific moment,
with no expectation of being given any guarantees for the future.
I just gave thanks for the gift to make it that far
and to be in that place at that time.

I understand now why it takes 9-10 months to make a baby:
It takes at least that long for the rest of us to grow up some more
in order to face the adventures and challenges ahead.

In this time of growth, I think I finally get what it means to
breathe in each moment and live with intention.
Sometimes, I literally stop and consciously BREATHE
while I'm moving on to the next thing on my 'to do' list
or just moving through my day.
It's difficult to remember, though, so I have to force myself
to keep things in perspective.
At least this is a start to "living consciously", as Oprah would say.

I've also come to understand better what it means to have patience,
namely in having patience in the process of things.
And through this understanding, my belief is affirmed:
it IS about the journey.

And so I begin again..

After spending the early part of this year monitoring
a growing fibroid in my uterus,
only to be followed by an ultimatum by my OBGYN
to either "start trying" or get the fibroid removed,
followed by the realization that the stick I pissed on
was ACTUALLY showing a purple "plus" sign,
followed by confirmation from the clinic
that, yes, the EPT stick was correct,
to learning how to take one day at a time
during 13 weeks of nausea and not wanting to even THINK about Italian food,
to experiencing pain in my hips, gas and bloating in my belly
and a hard spot beneath my belly button with a heart beat...

I am here again.

I suppose it is more real now than ever before
that the SO and I will welcome a new buddy into our lives.
but sometimes, like today, I wonder if he/she is in there
simply because the fetus is still too little for me to feel its movement.

It's strange really to be in this place. My emotions have spanned the spectrum:
happy shock/disbelief
happy
overwhelmed
anxious
lost
worry
acceptance
love
excitement
peace

Peace is where I am now.
I feel like the initial whirlwind of emotions and experiences
have passed and now I can finally focus.
I'm realizing a lot of things about myself
that were hard to see during the whirlwind.
And believe you me,
I am ECSTATIC about the clarity.
Perhaps the most significant is this groundedness
and solid belief that all will be well...

I believe that my body will do what it has evolved to do
to take care of the baby and bring it into the world.
and if I can't deliver naturally, then the advancements
in the medical field will be at my disposal
and of course, I'll have my guardian angels to watch over
me and guide things through.

I know that while I am entering this very main stream
path in life, ultimately, I am still me - the very unconventional,
non-conformist, me.

I am still that revolutionary
in my own unique way.

I realize that being a mother does not define me.
It is only a part of the full picture of me.

I believe that the more I celebrate and remember this fact,
the more my child will flourish and experience this life to its fullest.

Finally, I realize that I am entitled to experience this process, this journey
in my own way without judgement, just as I am meant to.

Right now, I am just happy where I am with everything.
It's been an interesting change of pace
to now live life one day at a time.
I suppose it is my training ground to gain the patience I need
for what is to come.

It's actually been pretty amazing to see
how each step of my pregnancy symptoms/experiences
have prepared me for the next step in the process.
It's truly awe inspiring how nature works in this way.
I suppose this is why I have grown to accept things
as they've come.

Maybe once this process is over, I might have actually grown up some.
(I know, wishful thinking.)

Til next time...

where am I now?

literally...
in front of my computer at work,
waiting for the SO to pick me up
so that we can go running/walking by the bay.
I've got another hour to kill, so I thought
i'd finally post something.
i just smelled my hands, which
reeks of Palmolive dishwashing soap
cause I just finished cleaning my
bowl from lunch.
it was filled with rice and Dinty Moore
beef stew.
it was ok.
tasted kinda fatty and made my stomach hurt,
when I looked at it later, I thought, "maybe this is what dog food tastes like".

figuratively...
I'm in a happy state,
I feel cleansed from the workout I had
at lunch.
increased blood circulation and oxygen
really does a body good. I guess milk does, too, but
it gives ME gas. pu!
I'm also in an antsy state
knowing that it is 26 minutes past
quitting time
and I am still here waiting...endlessly waiting
for my ride.
I suppose I should do more work since I took
an extended lunch but
my brain stopped 26 minutes ago.

I am excited for tomorrow, though.
I can wear jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes instead of the usual business casual - yeck!.
I'm going to Zachary's pizza for lunch with my co-workers
and me and the SO are going to watch Ratatouille and
head over to our friends' lovely cafe.
It's nice to look forward to things. :)

Lately, I've have been focusing more on the present
than planning for/fantasizing about the future.
It's literally been "one day at a time" for me lately.
It's kind of an interesting place to be. Life feels a little slower,
but I find that I worry a little less than usual.
I suppose it is the ignorance that comes with just
thinking in the present.
But it's nice and I appreciate the change of pace.

I stopped planning my work days in the car in
the morning - partly because its been making me car
sick - and that's helped lessen my anxiety as well,
even though I've often thought that it wouldn't.

And my body's been wanting to eat
more plain food lately which clearly
contradicts my love for the complex, rich, and luxurious
flavors of my usual favorites.
that's been nice, too.
It certainly keeps it simple for me when I have
to decide what I want to eat.
There's no need for the usual fanfare that
I subscribe to.

Simplicity is nice for a change.

Makes me think that I am wayyyy too much
of a complicated person most of the time.
My brain/emotions is/are so used to taking
the loopy route when coming to the conclusions
and solutions of things.
Most of the time, A+B NEVER equals C.
There's always other factors I have to consider
before finding a solution to my equation.

I just realized that in my previous post,
I didn't quite enjoy being in this state.
I wonder what changed?

I suppose that I've realized that I can only
control so much of my world.
I suppose that I have to surrender...just a little for now.
I haven't completely lost myself, like I feared.
I still feel like I'm wandering a little, though.
But maybe that will go away with time.

So for now, I am where I am and I'm ok with it. :)

with shovel in hand, I dig again

monday.
ahhh...the most dreaded first day of the work week.
since the SO wanted to get to work by 8a,
I had to be up by 6:30a.
I groggily made my way to the loo,
eyes still half closed
and contemplating
sneaking back into bed for another 10 minutes.

the rest of the day went along
as such.
dragging, my body aching and tired
i could only think of how soon Friday would come.

but there I was again.
though days had passed,
I was still in the same place.
I felt like I only moved an inch
and not much more.
I was playing the "in limbo" game again.

as of late, i feel like I've just been going
through the motions,
as prescribed by the instructions
that I must follow.
it's almost like i checked in my soul
at the door
and zipped up my robot-wear.

i'm praying for inspiration to penetrate
my imprisoning armor.
something.
a spark.
ANYTHING
to give me perspective on the whole matter.

the truth is,
i'm not quite sure who I'm supposed to be now,
how I'm supposed to act.
I don't feel like I've had enough time
to fully embrace things.
i guess i'm in transition again.
and it's always taken me a while to digest this state.

i guess i just need to re-construct/de-construct
myself again.
just like before.
i think my last major transition was when I turned 30.
and boy, did that take a few hundred blog entries
to process!

still,
i must do it again.
redefine myself.
redefine my future.
while i continue to fight complacency and conformist ways.
i still want to be a revolutionary,
think outside the box,
dig deeper than deep...
I guess I am just afraid of losing that part of me.

maybe that's why I am conflicted
and hesitant to take a step,
which is why i continue to be in limbo
yet again.

(pause...phone ringing)

that was my mom.
it's funny how the universe works.
one minute i'm praying for answers
and the next minute
the universe blesses me with them.

thanks, mom, for giving me the hearty laugh that I needed
and for shedding light on my dark introspection. :)
mom always has a way of keeping things real and making light of
the pre-conceived drama that builds in my head,
a little "snap out of it" face slap, if you will,
to dig me out of the depths of my analysis.

what a blessing her perfect timing is!

uncertainty

it's an odd state of affairs.

on the one hand, it's limiting
and frustrating
because you cannot move forward as you please.

on the other hand,
it is comforting
because it gives you an excuse
to be complacent
and do nothing if you wanted to.

what is really the purpose of this place,
I ask?
should we just ignore the uncertainty
and move along as we wish?

or should we play it safe
and nest for a while
until we get the green light?

I'm sure the answer lies
somewhere in between
as it always is in ambiguous
situations such as this.

Perhaps the most frustrating
thing of all is the lack of power
one has over the situation.
(or maybe it's just my imagination.)

I guess the bottom line is,
how do I empower myself
and move forward from that enlightenment?
is this step even possible?
if so, what is the point, what is the purpose?
am i just reaching for something that is not there?

i really do hate wasting time,
even though it is one of my best talents.
but what next for me then?
what next for ME?

TODAY

It is now 7:38 am on a cloudy Wednesday morning.
I woke up feeling a little better than when I went to bed,
I've been sick over the last few days,
It started with a fever at my friend D's wedding reception.
This morning, I cleared my sinuses and noticed all
the lovely toxins on my tissue paper.
It was a strange neon tint no less. :p

No work for me today.
I called in sick so that I can sleep more and rest.
I haven't been able to shake my symptoms completely
and I don't want to get others sick at work.

So today, I will swim in a pool of comfort
under my covers
and will nap as many times as possible.

I hope to dream of being some place far away from here
together with my significant other (SO).
My little 6-day vacation last week was not enough, so
I hope to indulge in a fantasy vacation at the very least.
I really don't feel like I had a true vacation to begin with.

It was fun, though, except the getting a fever part.
We went down to southern California to celebrate D's
wedding. My SO was a groomsman and a few of our
friends from up here also went down for the wedding.
It was refreshing to see true happiness in a couple like that.

Anyhow, I started getting my fever at the beginning of the wedding
reception, so I had to forego my filet mignon and the
plethora of free drinks that I could have downed at
their open bar.

I was getting the usual fever chills, so I wore my pea coat
and brought in my plaid blanket from the car to
cover the rest of me.
I know...TOTALLY ghetto...but I really didn't care.
I was determined to keep myself alive until the end of the reception,
no matter what it took.
After all, D's wedding only happens once in a lifetime and I sure was
not going to miss it!

Thankfully, all of the bridesmaids were nurses (D married a nurse),
so of course my chances of getting my hands on some drugs
to reduce my fever were quite high.
My SO's partner in the wedding was nice enough to spare me
a Co-Tylenol pill, which I happily downed
and reduced my fever in the next 2 hours.
I even danced a few times before the night was over.

Still, it probably would have been better for me
to let my fever run its course
to kill all the toxins in my body.
I probably would have gotten better faster.

But that's ok.
I'll just sleep some more today.
I better get started now.
G'night!

a little dose of truth

sometimes socially conscious people
need to take a step back
and remember that social change
always, ALWAYS begins with self.
and as much as they want others
to take on the same ideologies and
practices,
imposition of these thoughts and practices on others
is certainly not the way to go.

they need to take a step back
and remember that changing someone's
viewpoint to affect social change
also takes time and patience
and can be adversely affected
by too much imposition of one's viewpoint.

learning to look at and treat the world
through socially conscious lenses
requires guidance, lots of room to grow
and cannot be achieved
by constant judgement of that individual.

but socially conscious people sometimes forget,
sometimes get too caught up
in how they think the world should be
without fully appreciating
what it takes to get there.
they forget that they are not perfect,
because they are too high up on their
soap box/pedestal casting judgement
upon others
and fail to be more introspective and critical
of themselves.

so, stop, dammit!
take a fucking look at yourself for once,
and stop being so damn critical of everyone
who is not like you.
have a little fucking compassion
and recognize that you have no right
to judge.
you are not entitled.
and entitlement isn't just practiced by the so called "priveleged", i might add.
and by the way, your constant nagging to make the "right" choices
really annoys the shit out of me,
so back the fuck up.

how else is the world going to change
if you continue to perpetuate
the same ugliness that you claim to be against?

seriously, wake up and smell your own shit....it stinks just like everyone else's.

sincerely,
your fellow socially conscious friend

so i didn't end up at the gym today...
but the cherry blossoms led my way

everywhere i drove today their were cherry blossom
trees all abloom.
they became my make-believe beacons
leading me to places
where i could find answers
to help get me back on track

first stop: my cousin's mommy shower.
there was a massage therapist giving chair massages
she gave me an eye-opening diagnosis
of what areas of my body need serious therapy.
(breathe)
body awareness is the light that guides one to better health.
thanks, L.
(on the way there, I first noticed the cherry blossom trees and wondered what they were called.)

next stop: my play date with my nephew a.k.a "little homey"
I have been thinking about him all week
and wanting some quality time.
he just finished taking his bath and drinking his milk when i arrived.
man, it was soooo good to spend time with him.
he's going to crawl soon.
he knows how to sit on his knees, but
he doesn't quite get how to move them
in conjunction with his hands
to crawl.
instead, he just plops himself down
and proceeds to do the navy seal crawl.

not only can he grab things with his hands/fingers,
he now knows how to do a pincer grip (pointing finger and thumb grasping)
being with him was the highlight of my day.
oh, and there were cherry blossoms EVERYWHERE
as I drove to and from my little homie's house.

it was dark by the time I left, but my last stop was
to pick up my friend, S, for a date at our friends' cafe.
she gave me the answer to my biggest question of all.
tomorrow i will implement what i now know i should
continue to be doing.
my friend affirmed that i've been on the right track
all along.

today was a full day.

it's 10:30am on a saturday
i should be...
at the gym
or out at the park
dodging duck crap on the sidewalk
as i speedwalk around the lake

but i'm feelin' restless
probably time to change things up a bit.
'still need to get my cardio in, though
especially since I ingested animal style fries
and the usual burger

happy hour with my co-workers
yesterday was fun
different crowd
different vibe
but definitely good times

i realize i am blessed with where i am
for now
i like who i work with
and i'm grateful to be so lucky

i'm still at a loss for what to fill my day with
first, it's off to my cousin's for sure
maybe i should take a shower to get
my thoughts flowin.
i stink anyways. :(

i think i've mentioned it before, but
i believe that babies are angels sent from heaven
to bring us gifts from above.
when my nephew was born, i wondered about what gifts
he was meant to bring
to enlighten us all.

i see now that growth is one of the most important gifts
he has showered on our family...

ever since he was born,
we've all had to learn to deal with our differences
so that we can work together
to help support him and his family
...and most importantly to make time to play with him. ;)

ever since he made his way into our lives,
he has opened our hearts
to welcome extended family who
enrich our lives

in our pursuit to raise my nephew right,
he has challenged us to seek truth within ourselves
to find what is truly important
about our existence
and our relationships with ourselves and eachother.

i feel love.
a very deep, deep sense of it.
it is like a shower of blessings that
humble me so.
today, i sensed a shift in the universe.
as if a positive energy surge just swept through my world.
i have a feeling about what prompted it
and i am so amazed.
so amazed at how, in an instant,
one's life can change for the better.

and in this sudden shift,
i see great light.
light that will guide,
protect, inspire, teach...
the seeds of growth
that i and so many others I know
are in need of.

today, i have a solid, renewed sense of hope...
in myself,
in others and
in what is possible in my future.

now, i am ever so grateful
and promise myself that I will keep moving
in this direction
to live a better life.
amen.

my "a ha!" moment

january seemed to whiz by.
i'm taking better care of myself and have been
doing at least 30-45 minutes worth
of cardio every week + strength training exercises.
thanks to my friend/co-worker's recommendation,
i bought this really cool fitness journal from
Lucy (www.lucy.com) and it's really
helped me keep track of my fitness goals
and most importantly, keeps me motivated to keep going.

i've been eating more healthfully and have lost
my intense cravings for sweets and all the other
bad stuff.
i still eat them every once in a while. i just don't gorge on the stuff.
and when i know I've eaten a bit more than i needed to of the stuff,
i make sure to do at least 30 minutes of cardio that day, just to
burn it off before I go to bed. There are times when I am so determined
that I'll work out at 9p/10p if i have to....and i didn't get home til about 11:30p.
it's all worth it.

in my first month of my commitment to
becoming healthier,
I've lost a half inch off of my waist,
my mood has gotten better
and I think i FINALLY understand
and accept exactly what i need to
do in order to be healthy.
i would call it a major "a ha!" moment in my life.
i rewarded myself for fullfilling my January fitness
goals by buying myself new Ecco walking shoes
(they're the 2nd best pair of fitness shoes i've ever had.
the other was my first pair of Saucony running shoes.)
AND....a Le Creuset dutch oven.
(yes, i am a happy girl).