auntie linda
i think i understand now how it feels to lose a parent.
that's what auntie was for me.
she was like my second mother, one of my favorite aunties - right up there with tita alms and tita b.
auntie passed away yesterday afternoon.

after going through the motions of my grief,
I began to realize that i was following the
formulaic/step-by-step phases of grief
that i've read about in my old Psych books
and learned in counseling workshops
"how odd", I thought.
i hate formulas.

the hard part was
that I found out about her passing at work, so the BART ride home
was the longest ever.

where do i begin with describing my pain and heartbreak?
those words mean nothing compared to what i felt.
I never thought i could sob uncontrollably for what fel like forever.
maybe the last time was when i was 4?

all i know is for the first time, I truly could not see past that moment.
hope?
ha!
what the hell was that?
I couldn't believe i was asking the same question that i've
had answers to so many times before:
what's the point in life?

really...tell me.
you couldn't convince me if you tried.
not even i could find some frame of reference or perspective at that moment.
nor did i want to.

all i knew was, my auntie was gone.

but in my sorrow, i could not help but be comforted by the memories
that made her such a significant person in my life...

had a really honest conversation with the bf
this morning.
it was kind of intense
but definitely helped me to look at things from a different
perspective.
helped me realize that i cannot sit around and wait for answers,
i need to follow my truths and pursue the things i am passionate about.
thanks to my baby, i am motivated once again.

after our conversation, i began to think of
my blog entry last night...about my friend.
he is such an example for me.
i mean, through his fears and anxieties over where
his efforts will lead him,
he continues on venturing through the unknown.
i am inspired.

thank goodness cause last night
i had a difficult time falling asleep.
i read some passages from my little book of inspirations,
prayed for the first time in a long time...
did everything i could for a little peace of mind and spirit.

...then my prayers were answered this morning.

Thanks, babe, for your honesty and love.
1-4-3

peace corps bound
it's so nice to be able to write positive things about friends.
i just completed a reference for a friend who is applying to
become a peace corps member.

in writing it, i realized just how amazing of a person he is.
it's kinda funny because even though i've known the guy
for 10 years now and known what a great guy he is,
it took something like this letter to remind me.

so what did i write about? well, lots of stuff.
but the things that stood out the most were:
-his integrity
-his proactive-ness in dealing with conflicts/issues in life
-and the way he's always maintained true to himself
in all the choices he's made in his life.

at first, i wasn't sure how ready he was to pursue
such an incredible commitment.
he had worked in the corporate sector all his life and didn't really have
many experiences serving the community.
but as I processed my thoughts in answering the questions for the reference,
i began to realize that just the person he was
and all the other things i mentioned above
were enough to make him an excellent candidate.

'wish i was daddy warbucks
spent over $100 yesterday to take care of my aching body yesterday.
I developed a nasty headache on Wednesday night due to
tight neck, back and shoulders from not working out
enough and from having a non-ergonomic work station.
my body was just not havin' it anymore.

i was about to go into work today
when i felt my neck muscles cramp up
and yet another awful headache insued.
there was no way I'd make it hunched over on
my work computer today.

I immediately asked my bf to turn around
and drive me back home.
luckily, we hadn't driven too far to get to the BART.
home was only a few blocks away.
I stretched for a while when i got home.
'felt a little better, but i still don't think i would've survived today.
I think my body just needs the rest.

so here i am, in bed with the laptop.
i'm debating on whether or not i should go
in for another massage.
I tried a new place, Body Therapy Center in Palo Alto.
I loved it!
my therapist was trained in myofascial release, and i think
this modality was a good start to helping me
undo all the craziness that i've let my body go through.

i know i should schedule another appointment this weekend, but
it ain't cheap. and i ain't Daddy Warbucks.
dammit, it's times like these when I wish I had 2 extra arms
that would allow me t massage my own back.
argh! I hate catch 22's!!

with a capital "T"
there are days when I am just tired of this place.
I hate to say it, but it's true.
it's not that I feel ill-will toward anyone or anything,
it's just that sometimes
I can't help but FEEL like screaming until my insides start coming out of my mouth.
(I know. bad image.)

I was thinking today in the elevator
how many cycles I've gone through hating and loving this place.
I'm definitely glad that I'm not where I used to be.
I never would've thought that I would be challenged
so much by this experience.

For now,
I'm simply letting things be, knowing full well that
even though I don't have ultimate control over certain things,
I remain true to myself,
'remain critical of the values and things that go on here.
It's not that I am surrounded by bad people.
That would be far from the truth.
I guess it is just a different world, one that i must get along with
without completely assimilating or trading in my values.

but there are just those days sometimes
where all this crazy energy zaps me like a lightning bolt.
and all i wanna do is wave my fist and scream,
"you m*th$r f#cking b#tch!!!!!"

(there. that felt good.)

yes, i have been gone way too long.
too long even for me.
but the good news is, i've gained some new perspective as of late.
i never thought it would freakin' come, but sure enough it did.

'spent this weekend painting for the first time (well, aside from fingerpainting in kindergarden).
i took a class (sponsored by SF State) that was about
exploring the creative process through painting.
up til that friday of class,
i don't think i truly understood what that meant: "the creative process".
well, i thought i knew, but i don't think i've truly experienced it in the way i'm supposed to,
even though journaling and blogging have definitely helped me to come close.

but this weekend was about expressing what i truly wanted to
without any limits.
and I tell you, it was challenging as a mofo!
it was difficult for me to get away from trying to paint the perfect picture or
trying to arrive at some definitive end-product,
even though our teachers explained that this was not what the
creative process is about.

still, slowly but surely, i began to understand...
respecting one's creative process is not about trying to create some image or product.
it's about letting your insides move your brush on paper (or whatever instrument) in whatever shape or form.
and you have to learn to let go of judgement.
you have to learn to let go of seeing what you've just transferred onto paper as good or bad, ugly
or that it means something about who you are.
you have to simply accept it, whether it "fits" on the page or is in alignment with who you think you are.
what you end up painting is there because it's a part of you.
it's something inside of you that simply wants to be expressed.
that's it. that' s all.

in a way, it kind of reminds me of friendship.
it's about accepting another unconditionally,
allowing people to be.
and if this friend has hangups (like all of us do), it's about allowing that friend to grow and be
who they are supposed to be.
only this time, with the creative process, it's about letting you be you
...unconditionally.

(got more to say, but will continue later)