2:19p

disempowered
It's hard to have faith in things when
you feel so powerless.
'still trying to figure out how I can take control
of those types of things in my life right now.

Seriously,
I just want to crawl in bed and drown under my covers.
And let the TV lull my mood away.

But let's get real already, right?

I often think, though, that I am fighting
a war against myself.
Because I think i know the answers, but
I keep retreating cause I get bogged down
emotionally from the conflict at hand.

ARGH!

I really hate being in this situation.
I really really really really really
HATE it!

(but at least I had a nice scoop of ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery.
Otherwise, I'd really be cranky!) ;)

9:04a

deconstructing...
Monday was a calm day at work.
I had lunch with two of my co-workers.
One of them will be leaving...as a result of the poor management
of our organization.
Within the last 3 months, she is the 3rd person to go because
of this.

it's sad really. we talked about how we could make this place better.
'talked about how the dynamics of how this place is run
parallels those involved in domestic violence - the very thing we are trying
to combat.
Too much power and control belongs to one person.
Information is always kept from us about many many things...again taking the
power of information away from us.
...and all of this breeds fear and mistrust.

Then just yesterday, one of my co-workers
was reprimanded on the phone.
And all of the reasons stated as to why she was being reprimanded were based on assumption.
She was not given the space or room for doubt or even explanation.
That's how it works around here.

i was talking to a friend of mine last night and
she said that it's sad how this is probably the norm in most
organizations.
Hoestly, I see the same thing.

run myself ragged
so today is crazy day for me.
i've got a staff meeting at the spa at 11a.
then, i gotta go grocery shopping for our big dinner on Saturday.
I should probably cook dinner, too.

ahhh!!!!

And,yes, today is my day off.

7:15p

a + b does not = C
how can people think that being anti-war = anti-troops?
they are two seperate things.
for one thing, one of the big reasons why I feel this war is wrong is because
we put all of these men and women in a position that I
feel can still be settled diplomatically.

I don't support the war because
those same men and women (including the rest of the WORLD)
don't necessarily have a say in what happens.
And even though they made a commitment to protect this
country at all costs, it still doesn't justify our government
subjecting them to war.

F- You!
And hell ya I'm down with the anti-war protests!
(well, except the violent ones)
Why should people sit quietly when their tax money is being used
to kill innocent people?
Why should people sit quietly when our own people (troops) are dying
and getting tortured unnecessarily?
Why should people sit quietly when they did not choose for our
country (hell, our WORLD) to go down a path of eventual self-destruction?
FUCK THAT!

8:57a

keep praying for rena
been doing lots of praying than usual.
i actually haven't prayed in a long time.
I called Ann- this morning to see how Rena is doing.
They won't be able to tell much until tomorrow.

Rena, who is only 14, was hit by a car on Friday while
crossing the street in a school zone.
The driver was zooming by and did not see her.
You can only imagine my shock when Ann- told me on Friday night.
What's worse is Rena's mom saw everything since she was waiting
for Rena on the other side of the street.

Last night i called a bunch of our close friends and told them the news.
This is the second time within the last 5 months that I've had to be
the bearer of such horrible information.
Everyone was of course speechless. Who could blame them?

Life is becoming more and more real for me.
I can only imagine how many more tragedies I will experience as
my friends and i grow older.
it's kind of a dark thought, but part of reality.

I'm reflecting on how my mom's generation must feel.
Most of them are already in their 60's and have experienced
as many deaths as births in their lifetime.
It's such a strange phenomenon.

cloudy sunday
right now
we're watching news again to get caught up on
what's been happening in Iraq while we've been asleep.
It's so surreal that we are able to actually see the war
as it happens.

I can't help but think of the mini series, "Band of Brothers"
when I watch all of this.
I wonder what they are thinking.
I'm sure they still stand strong on their belief that war is wrong
and should be avoided at all costs.

But now we're knee deep in it.
and who knows how long this will last.
we honestly cannot kid ourselves and think this will be
over in a heartbeat just because we are the U.S. and Britain.
This could be another Vietnam or something close to it.

I'm worried about the back lash,
the plans for U.S. destuction.
I know Saddam is still alive.
He's probably hangin' out with Bin Laden planning
the U.S.'s demise.
hell, I wouldn't be surprised.

All I know is, all of these recent tragedies
is much greater than the dramas
at work.
At least it's given me perspective.

7:39p

dear god...
please bring your daughter, Rena del Rosario, back to good health
and give her family the will and strength
to survive this tragedy.

please bring your son, Rod Dimalanta, back home safely
from the current war in the middle east
and please give his family the will and strength
to deal with this chaos.

for those of you reading, please send your good vibes
and prayers for these folks.
~peace~

8:14p

guessing game
dunno what it is about today.
'didn't feel energetic like the day before.
maybe my annoyance at last night's lack of clients carried over
to today.

I was also grumpy all day at work.
I just couldn't shake it.
I think it stemmed from my quick meeting with the big boss.
the whole time i listened to them talk,
i could not help but analyze everything they were saying.
it was as if they were simply feeding me the good stuff
about the organization so that i wouldn't question all
the real crap that happens.

for the longest time all day long, I couldn't figure out
why i was so down.
and then it hit me as i was talking to my co-worker about it...
i just don't trust them.

I don't trust that they tell me everything.
I don't trust that they want me to know anything.
I think they want the organization to be and remain forever disjointed
so that we can be controlled.

And the most peculiar thing is that
when the big boss called me later on in the day to return my message,
they gave me this compliment about my work right out of the blue.
it didn't sound sincere at all.
it sounded more like a pat on the back to appease me so that I wouldn't
dissent.

believe you me, I hate feeling this way.
who in their right mind would want to work in a
place where they couldn't even trust the big boss
in a small staff of 6???
It's bad enough that they don't appear to trust us.
It's simply insane.

*shakes head*

i'm not sure what i'm going to do at this point.
for now i am happy with the small victories
in this place.
for once they actually agreed with a couple of my ideas today.
and i'm just waiting for the day that i get our computer networked.
for me that will be a major victory.
but not as big a victory as changing the whole mentality of this place.
that will probably take a lifetime OR a new management team.
I hope the latter happens sooner than later, though.

I'm just so happy that tomorrow is my day off.
at least my mind and body will be away from the bad energy.
Although, i think the real solution is to get more focused
and to figure out a way to fight all this negativity from the inside.
whatever that means...well, it makes sense to me anyway.

on the positive
the one nice thing about having to wait for walk-in
clients here at the spa is that
a) I get to kick it with my co-workers in the staff lounge (lots of laughs!)
b) I get to enjoy being in this ultra-hip urban spot in the heart of the city

and c) I get to blog for as long as i can.

so tonight it's just me and my other colleague.
she was able to get a booking tonight while I'm here waiting.
good for her, though.

As usual, i heated up some towels,
stocked some more linens on our near-empty shelves,
checked e-mail
and had some of our community snacks...um, just a couple
of rye-flavored wheat thins.

I actually feel physically better today than last week.
I'm pretty sure it helped that I worked out on Saturday.
I'm going to make it a point to go to the gym tonight...
even if it's late.
I gotta do SOME kind of cardio today.

Actually, I had lunch with my co-workers today
in our conference room.
It was really nice. Another co-worker joined us today, so
that made three of us...very good company.

Then, me and one of those co-workers
walked for 20 minutes around our area.
It was so beautiful outside today that it was
a blessing to be out of the office.
I actually appreciated getting a little sun.
I also had a really nice talk with my co-worker.
She is really a pretty amazing person.

de-LUSH-ous
last night was a good time at my bf's b-day celebration
with the "Seinfeld gang".
dinner was sooo good. everyone loved the torte gelato desert.

we headed off to Nick and Ben's (or something like that) on College
Ave. to get some drinks.
We somehow ended up playing "I've never..."
(a drinking game). We, of course, got to the nitty gritty...aka the comments
revolved around sex...and let's just say I know wayyyy more than
I need to know about my friends.

As for my bf,
Let's just say that the b-day boy had a good time ingesting
the 7 shots and 2 glasses of beer he was fed (and he automatically turned
into annoyingly talkative drunk).

unfortunately because of it, he and i spent almost 2 hours
in our friend's bathroom "paying homage to the porcelain god".
I actually did not partake in the "ritual". I was there for moral support.
thank goodness I didn't drink at all last night.
otherwise, I wouldn't have had the strength to stay up til
4:30 in the morning to make sure my bf
expunged every last bit of alcohol AND his steak
dinner. damn b-day boy...we shoulda just fed him bread.
At least it's cheaper than a steak dinner! (hehehe!)

nevertheless, he was pure entertainment for all of us.
I love you, baby....thanks for the comedy and happy birthday celebration part 2!!!
P.S. I remember the last time you said, "I'm never drinking like that again"...hmm...looks like
you forgot. :P

on the road again
thank goodness my bf survived last night's "festivities."
I on the other hand was going on about 4 hours of sleep
so I was struggling to catch another 4 hours all day.

For some reason I just couldn't and decided to grab my
blanket and pillow and tag along with my bf on his
photoshoot at his favorite spot.
It's a rural area so there was no sound except the rustling of
the trees and the whistle of the wind.

I lay there in the back seat of my bf's car underneath
my blanket trying to sleep but instead enjoying nature
and the serene environment.
I suggested to my bf that we do this again sometime
except that we have a little picnic or something.
I thought maybe we could head up north sometime
since he's been wanting to take some pictures up there anyway.

I could even bring a book to read or write in my journal
while he's out taking pictures.
It would be even more fun if we could actually camp out
in his car for the night.
It's just so peaceful to be in nature.
I'm surprised at how much I'm able to appreciate that now.

While we were on this road, my bf drove me to the
spots where he took some of his pictures.
I was so awe-struck when i saw for myself the beautiful tree
he took a picture of, which he is using for his first exhibit at
his photography school.
I got pretty emotional being there.
It was amazing to actually experience the space and environment
that inspired that shot.
It's like sharing in yet another aspect of his life.
It was a pretty humbling experience to say the least.



I

"...and I'll have you neked by the end of this song..."
hehe...i'm listening to Justin Timberlake's "rock your body".
I like.
I'm imagining myself on the dance floor
strutting to some cool routine while
I'm tapping my foot to the beat in front of my computer.

it's saturday.
wow, it's saturday!
I thought this week would never end!!!!!!
yesterday was just a strange day at the spa.
I was na-iinis the whole time I was there.
lots of reasons why, but bottom line is
my patience is running thin with some of the disorganization there.

thank goodness I stretched last night when I got home.
my body felt so much better and
I had the BEST night's sleep.
in fact, it made me forget all about my annoyance with the spa.
I'm actually ok now.
the sleep helped me shake it off.

My BF's b-day II
so tonight we're celebratin' with "The Seinfeld Gang"...bim's closest friends from high school.
WE're going to my favorite restaurant, Venezia Cafe, in Berkeley and then
hitting one of the bars in Berkeley.
Not sure where to go, but I'm thinking Jupiter on Shattuck would be a cool place to go.
One of our friends actually lives along College Ave. in Berkeley, so we're gonna look
for a cool place to go along there.
Shoot, we might just hang out at their apartment and then hit
Cafe Roma near by.

Fresh start
so this weekend, my goal is to go to the gym (both days)
and do a full-on workout with cardio, strengh training and stretching.
Lord knows my body is crying for it!

I'm also gonna focus on my house.
'gonna do some more weeding in the front yard.
good gawd! it's literally a jungle.

Then, I think i shall hem the rest of my pants, do some
ironing and take care of the laundry.

[how cute...my bf is sewing a hole in his pants pocket]

so, i'm off to start my day on a good note. lemme just rock
out of this blog to a little ditty, my favorite ditty, from my friends' album. Go DIVAS!!!!

I'mma Be Just Fine

VERSE 1:
Been at this for quite some time now
Still I havent given up, I keep pushin on
They say I’m wasting my time, but it wont be long
Gonna stay strong

PRECHORUS 1:
Cuz I don’t give a damn what they might say
Ain’t no body gonna take my pride away
Ain’t nobody gonna tell me how to live this life
I’mma find my own way
So go ahead and try to knock me down
Ain’t nothing gonna keep me on the ground
I'll just pick myself right up and let my soul resound

CHORUS:
So here I am
And from where I stand
I can see that everything I dream’s in sight
And now I know
Through the highs and the lows
I’mma be just fine

VERSE2:
I refuse to sit scared and idle
I just cant life pass me by, I’ve gotta try
Keep chasing those ever-elusive dreams of mine
Thank God I’m alive

PRECHORUS 2:
See it don’t matter what people say
Cuz I know I’m gonna do it anyways
I know I only get one go-around in life
I won’t waste a single day
So go ahead and try to knock me down
Ain’t nothing gonna keep me on the ground
I’ll just pick myself right up and let my soul resound

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
So be strong cuz you know in your heart you have won, pick yourself up
You know you gotta be strong
Cuz don’t it feel good to stand alone
To choose the path that’s your own
Even though it may be tough
You’ll make it through it all

CHORUS

CHOIR OUTRO:
Stop doing what you’re doing
Listen to your heart beat
Telling you to live your life
Don’t waste another minhute
Talkin’ bout what could’ve been
Watch your chances passin’ you by
Get up, Stand up, Live your life
Get up, Stand up, Live your life
Stop doing what you’re doing
Listen to your heart beat
Telling you to live your life

11:38p

process, process, process
had a nice long talk with my bf about our future.
after being so caught up in my own "world" of thoughts and ideals,
it was a delight to hear about his dreams.
it's not that i wasn't aware of them before. i just wasn't sure.
wasn't very clear on exactly where he stood on certain things.
hearing it today made me smile, even though we were having a pretty serious conversation.

i thought about what he said for a while tonight.
cause honestly, (and i told him this) i was not quite where he was at.
the main reason being that I'm not quite where i want to be as
an individual.
he understood this, though.

so tonight while watching tv, i had some revelations about
how i wanted things to be for me.
and it was in alignment with what my bf expressed in our earlier conversation.
i know that i still have a few things to work through before
coming to a full understanding/confidence of where i am at
personally with everything, but
i see the light...at least a little.

lunch with the kumares
today i went to the city to get my official massage permit.
it's this laminated green card with a clip, which we
are supposed to wear at all times while practicing massage in the city.
wierd. maybe i'll just have it handy instead of wearing it.

but i visited my mom who worked nearby.
she and my aunt took me out to lunch.
i was kinda the third wheel, but it was fine.
actually, my mom wasn't expecting me. she had already made lunch plans
with my aunt, but she invited me to come along.

both of them were in venting mode about their workplace.
lots of drama going on apparently.
very similar situation to my workplace.
it was kinda nice, though, to hear them talking like that.

usually my mom is always "on". kinda over the top
when she talks. it's as if she's trying too hard or something.
i'm glad this wasn't the case today. she was just herself.
honest about what was going on in her mind, but not all in my face.
it was sooo incredibly NICE!

I guess my mom (and i do this sometimes too) comes off as
if she's trying too hard in our conversations cause
our relationship is often challenging and we both work super-hard
just to relate with one another.

I know we both get sick of eachother sometimes, so
perhaps it's just more of a struggle to interact because
even though we annoy eachother, we do want the relationship to work
at some level.

but still, it was nice.
even my aunt was herself.
it was really a pleasant time.


so what am i gonna do to save myself?
(to be continued...)

cloud nine
i wish i could be floating on that right now.
working and being out of the house for hours upon hours
of the day is wearing on my mind.
i'm losing focus on my goals and my physical well-being.

and with being away from the house so much, there's no more
time to take care of my own personal stuff.
so all of those things just weigh on my mind every.single.day!
it's not very healthy.
I'm definitely noticing the change in my stress level.
It's not serious, but it's definitely up there compared to before.

it's just wierd how mental stress can weigh you down just as much,
if not more than physical stress.

today i think i will read my deep tissue book.
I need to do more of the things I WANT to do vs. need to do.
i think i will start reading right now.....

7:22p

tuesday already?
my my how time flew since the last time i blogged.
once again i missed another day.
last night i had the worst headache and decided not to come in
for work.
it gave me a chance to do a little bit of cardio and stretch out my body.
man, my body just needs a workout period!

'also enjoyed a nice dinner at the local noodle house.
the wonton noodle soup i had was ...o.k.
it's one of those chain restaurants, so the quality of the
food was so-so.
me and my bf agreed that we should've gone to the
Vietnamese restaurant next door instead.

for dessert i had an avocado shake from Goldilocks.
GAWD! BIG MISTAKE!
The drink was all runny and gross and the avocado
was just nasty.
wayyy too watery! eck!
It literally looked like green diahrea.

Oh well....at least my company for dinner was pleasant.

one teeny-tiny step towards a revolution
I presented my little proposal for networking the office to my boss today.
praise the lawd! halleluah! we will (hopefully in a month's time) have
networked computers to share printers, files, and someday the internet.

my boss met with me for almost 1.5 hours.
of course it took that long because we were interrupted several
times with phone calls.
nevertheless, I got the go ahead for the project.
I'm so excited!
It's such a little feat but if you knew
just how far we are in the stone ages when it comes to technology in the office,
then you'd jump for joy, too.

i'm also excited to be able to work on a project with my co-worker.
i truly miss working in a team, collaborating with folks,
and visioning/dreaming how we can improve our organization.
thank goodness i have this project to work on
cause my usual job duties are pretty much routine and
run-of-the-mill. not much excitement.

the problem is, i think this office is immune to change.
i mean seriously! it takes years for things to change for the better.
Take this networking project for example...it's been almost
12 months since folks have been complaining about
insufficient printer access (and internet access as well)

Part of the problem is that there is too much
beauracratic red tape...and there's only 3 managers/administrators in
the hierarchy!
they are obsessed with having wayyy too much
control of what happens in the agency.
it's sad really.
and because of that, they experience a very high turnover rate.

where i am now
so i'm at the spa again...waiting for clientele.
I'm actually about ready to leave soon.
i want to go home to my baby.
oh, and it'd be nice to watch some American Idol, too! hehe

6:49p

my sunday on the couch
usually, that would entail me on the couch watching tv for hours at a time,
but thankfully i spent my sunday on the couch chatting with my best friend.
we actually started our day with brunch along with our other girlfriend and her
husband.
afterwards, we decided to chat some more and we ended up talking for three hours,
well, with trips to the bathroom in between since i drank wayyy too much coffee.

it was a really good talk. we don't do that often, so I really appreciate
the time we spend when we do.
it was just nice to not have to worry about having to be some where or
do something. we just talked and listened away.

bad-mamma-jamma
last night was one of my close friend's b-day dinner and dance party
at a hotel.
it was just soo nice once again to be dancing and hanging out with
friends. we'll be doing a lot of that this month, since 4 of our friends
are March babies, and 3 of them (my BF included) are celebrating their
big 3-0's.

let's see...highlights from the evening:
- holding/playing with my 2 nephews
- sitting next to Kat at dinner and talking/catching up with her
- reading Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman", with 7 of us girlfriends
in honor of our b-day celebrant and the fact that March 8 is international women's day
- watching the b-day celebrant's "happy" husband dance around the floor while booty-bumping
or freaking everyone...oh, and watching him on his knees freaking someone (he looked like he was taking a shit!)
- um, seeing my bf in the cute (and tight) jeans I bought for him (hehehehe!)
- dancing to "Cool It Now" at the end of the night
- dancing with my girlfriends...ok, it was pretty much a "ladies night" on the dance floor
since our stupid partners were all too tired/lazy to dance..or in my bf's case, ASLEEP! hello!?

anyhow, it was great. as usual, me and my girlfriends were the first on the dance floor and the last.
thank god we haven't changed that tradition.

right now, i'm still pretty tired from being out late...and eating a huge brunch and
drinking coffee.
i think i'll take a little nap for now....

11:18p

ahhhhhh
I didn't really deserve one considering the fact that i haven't been
taking care of my body very well, but I got a massage tonight....a FREE one.
One of our interns was in tonight and didn't have anyone to work on, so
i asked if I could book her for an hour.

allthough i didn't deserve one, i certainly needed a massage badly.
my shoulders were so tight that i was starting to feel light-headed at work.
not good.

thursday night league
after my lovely massage, it was already 7:30p or so.
I didn''t have any walk-ins yet and i didn't think i would get any
for the rest of the night, so i decided to catch my bf's 8p game.
I also wanted to hang out with my girl, C, since i hadn't seen her in a while.
'had to catch up on a little girl bonding.

I'm glad i went cause my bf's team won their first game along with
me getting to catch up with C.
We ended up eating at Sinugba afterwards to celebrate.
There were only a few of us that went, but it was nice to
continue this after-game tradition.

I almost didn't join them because i was worried i wouldn't be
able to get to bed sooner since it was 9p by the time the
game ended.
I have a long day tomorrow...I work til 9p at the spa.
But then I figured, "you only live once", you know.
these are those moments that life is about.
thank goodness i went cause as usual, i had a great time
connecting with folks.

changin'
at any point in our lives, we are "in progress".
it just sucks sometimes when you are stuck in the same stage
year after year, even though you think you've changed for the better.

thank god we have loved ones around us who put up with our
crap - time after time...people who continue to have hope in us
and root us on. people who let us lean on them.
people who forgive and forget no matter what.
over and over again.

but at some point we need to own our challenges and face them
head on.
..because the people we lean on are only human.
...humans with breaking points and limits.
they deserve better than the crappy sides of ourselves.

12:22a

in the city
today was such a beautiful day.
I went into the city for my hearing at the courts.
It wasn't anything major.
I simply had to stand before a bunch of police officers
and investigators to find out whether my application
for a massage permit was approved.
lucky for me, it was.

I was also lucky enough to have 2 of my colleagues from the
spa to keep me company, as they were there for their permits, too.
they were both hilarious...especially J.
I'm so glad they were there with me.

afterwards, I headed to Japantown to look for a spam musubi maker.
I'm telling you, the day could not have been more sunny and beautiful.
well, it was just a little nippy but not enough for me to wear a jacket.
anyhow, i found the musubi maker at this hardware store (go figure).
crazy me was all excited about it.

I was so happy that I decided to treat myself to a scoop of
green tea ice cream inside the japantown mall.
the ice cream was a really nice, dark bamboo color green.
It was really really good. Wayyy better than Dreyer's ice cream brand.
The taste of the green tea is super infused in it....just the way i like it.

drove home and spent too much money on sofa slip covers.
hmmm...try $170 for a chair and sofa cover.
I think that's a little much considering I'm still pretty poor right now.
After much thought, i decided i'd return it tomorrow.
but i swear, it's a beautiful burgundy color!
it would go perfect with some funky orangey/rust colored throw pillows.
I love color.

back to center
in spite of the fact that i didn't exercise today,
the day off did me so much good.
i'm mentally and physically re-energized to just be and do.

I think another reason for my restlessness and frustration over the
last couple of days is due to the fact that I haven't
accomplished any major feats at work or with
my physical fitness goals.
it's just time for me to be more proactive and consistent.

I also realized that i am ok where i am with my whole work situation.
It's actually a pretty perfect set-up...exactly what i had hoped for.
Job A affords me the money to pay the basics. And since I don't have
major responsibilities, I don't have to worry about ever having to
take work home with me. So when i leave, all of my work and
thoughts of work STAY at work.

With all of that, I can focus on my journey in massage therapy.
It is what keeps me going nowadays.
I realized that if I was only working at Job A, I probably would
have turned into a zombie by now.
Practicing massage really provides the balance that i need and want.

So, i'm looking forward to tomorrow.
I'm not excited about Job A, but at least I have a fresher perspective
...and more energy!

For now, Mr. Sandman calls....goodnight!

5:46p

bump on a log
words cannot express how ectstatic I am to be home
righ now.
I should really be at the spa being available for any
possible walk-in clients.
But I swear to GOD, I have absolutely no physical or mental
energy left in me to be anywhere but home.

i was actually worse last night.
I was lucky enough to get two sessions in at the spa,
but when I came home....oh boy...I was useless....
like a crumpled piece of paper on the ground.
'dunno if it was the shock of finally doing some cardio exercise at lunch
(i jogged during lunch)
or if it was PMS.
Yes, Aunt Flow will be visiting this week.

I just felt YUCK...a fat ball of emotion.
I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry.
I've never felt so spent in my life!

blog my brains out
all i know right now is that I couldn't wait to blog when I got home today.
it's become a rare luxury to be able to blog nowadays.
There's not enough time anymore and I really, really hate that.
And when I do have a little time, I feel so rushed that
my thoughts don't flow as easily.

job a & b
so it's been a month since I started work at both jobs.
in general, i've adjusted pretty well and pretty quickly.
Job A (the day job) is ok. not great, but not bad either. not sure
that i can really grow and develop from my time here but at least
this job pays the bills.

there's lots of drama that i've picked up on and later confirmed.
lots of stuff that needs changing.
lots of stuff.
i'm a little more removed from all of it since it doesn't affect me
directly but i'm thinking about how all of it negatively affects the
entire organization.

all i know is that i want my time there to be helpful and not
be a burden.
Just trying to keep my problem-solving attitude alive and not
get sucked into the drama vortex.

Nevertheless, everyone i work with is very respectful
and cordial. 'haven't gotten close with anyone in particular, but
there is one person that I probably feel the most comfortable with.
It's kinda challenging sometimes, though, cause we don't ever really
spend time with one another.
I haven't had lunch with anyone yet.
I don't even know if they do that sort of thing there.
trust me, it's a very odd environment with commited individuals.

The spa job is going well, too. Feeling a lot more comfortable
in the space. I know my way around and have been meeting
and connecting with lots of my co-workers.
'been able to connect really well with one of the stylists and one of
the bodyworkers. both women.
I feel lucky to have that, cause there's quite a few of us in there.

But it's definitely important for me to forge connections with folks
in there, though. Cause even though I'm an "independent contractor",
it's still important to work as a team when it comes to
serving our client's needs.
And more importantly for me, i'm all about building community
wherever I am.

brick wall
That's been easier in the spa than at job A, believe it or not.
too much hierarchy and beauracracy are to blame for sure.
something tells me that change, in general, will happen more slowly in job A, too.
'been thinking a lot about how i see myself with that challenge.

since i'm fairly new, i still have hope in the place.
on the same token, i'm skeptical of how long i can last there.
but i still have no idea what my ultimate career goals are,
so I don't really know where I want to go from here.

I was just thinking today that I should be proud of myself
for being able start a new career in massage therapy...
and it only took me a year.
I forget that about myself often.
But when I do remember, it brings me back to what some of my goals are:

- to not work the typical 9-5 job
- to have a somewhat flexible schedule
- to have more time for my life
- to be able to continue practicing and developing in my passion - massage therapy

so maybe i'm restless right now because even I've been able to accomplish
all of those goals, I don't have the resources (financial)
to do the things I've made time for.
I guess I'm still stuck in some ways.

well, at least i've been able to come up with some kind of conclusion
about that today.
last night, i was so out of it that i couldn't even think let alone
analyze my situation.
again, useless...that was me last night.

i left my heart (and brain) in half moon bay
i think what probably got me started in this mood of mine
was my time with my bf in half moon bay this sunday, his birthday.
we had such a great time exploring, taking pictures, talking, joking around
that it's no surprise that my spirit was some place else other
than work on Monday.

my baby really enjoyed the day.
we started off with lunch at this very casual seafood restaurant.
his parents treated both of us to lunch.
we were so surprised that they chose this spot cause
they don't usually travel too far outside where they live.

the best part was the drive to the restaurant.
half moon bay hasn't completely been taken over by
over-development.
they still grow stuff there: x-mas trees, grapes for wine, strawberries...
there's green fields on both sides of hwy 1 to be awed by.
it was one of the most relaxing and awe-inspiring drives i've had in a long time.
in fact, there were even a couple of women on the side of the road
painting the field of yellow poppies on the opposite side.

after having lunch and seeing his parents off, my bf and i changed
into our sweats and tennis shoes and got his camera and tripod and
walked along the pier.
we had access to enter the dock where all the boats were and
ran into a boat selling live crabs.

then we walked along the pier and saw a little boy with his
grandpa. reminded me of my dad and his desire to have
grandkids soon. real soon as he always hints to me. ;)

we hung out at this bench for a little while after and did some
people watching. we talked a lot about stuff.
you know, stuff that counts. it was just nice to not have
anything else to think about except him and me and what i wanted to say next.

we then drove to this old distillery a few miles north. it was
located on a cliff overlooking the bay.
we made our way a little south and parked. this is where we
spent most of our time.
we were in a residential area and my bf wanted to stop because
he wanted to take a picture of this white picket fence he saw.
i wasn't sure how he was trying to compose the shot, but i'm
sure it will be amazing as all his pictures are.

i walked across the street while he was taking that shot and
saw a nice bush with a beautiful brown pattern on the branches.
i called him over to take pictures of it. he thought it was beautiful too.

Then we walked back to the area where i parked my car.
there was this bench that overlooked the cliff to the tide pools below.
as I sat in the bench, i looked down and noticed that there
were sea lions sunning themselves on the rocks.
there were about 2 dozen of them! wow!
I had never seen that before.

At one point i looked up and saw a small flock of birds flying in formation.
but they weren't your typical seagulls, they were PELICANS!
I'm telling you...all of this put together made for a really majestic moment.
my bf and i were amazed at how diverse the bay area is.
and thank goodness there's still some natural habitats left.

all in all it was such an appropriate birthday for my baby.
he was able to spend it with his family and do one of the things
he loves best: take pictures.
me - i loved being closer to nature, especially the ocean.
I love the ocean.
i'm instantly mezmerized by sound of the crashing tide onto the shore.
it's my lullabye.

And being able to sit there on the bench to enjoy all of this was pure heaven.
later when I turned around, i noticed a placque on the bench.
Apparently this bench was dedicated to a man who passed away at the age of 19.
So before i left, i said a silent "thank you" to him for letting me sit on his bench.
I couldn't help but think what a beautiful memorial that was.

With all of this said, i'm inspired to publish one of my old poems here.
It's my little ode to the ocean:



OCEAN - by me written 7/31/96

Ocean -
you can be any color
and i will still stare,
my heart will still race
each time

The sky can cry over you
The fog can try
to cloak you in its blandness
but i will never leave your shores

How can I when your stretch
of shoreline wraps aroung me
like a blanket on a
cold,
windy
night.

The rolling of the waves
serenade me
like a suitor
outside my window

I speak with words
you wil the rolling tide,
yet i can understand
the poetry you whisper
in my ear

each time i look closer
i fall deeper

even when
i only see
your image in my head
my body
instinctively rocks in synchrony
with your rythm.

I am at peace
by your side
yet i don't feel the need
to sleep

dreaming of you
would do you no justice
because in reality
you are more than i could ever dream
of.

9:52a

the state of my world today
currently listening to John Mayer's 1983.
just woke up about an hour ago after only 5 hours sleep.
dunno why i couldn't go back to sleep last night, but i tossed and turned
for over 3 hours til 4 a.
Feelin' a little groggy but energetic nevertheless.

the big 3-0!
Just checked the SFMOMA website for info on the photo exhibit
that's going on there.
'gonna treat my bf today there since TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY B_DAY BABY!!!!

For lunch we're heading out to Half Moon Bay to join his parents
at this seafood restaurant.
And then, we'll probably go walking around while he takes pics
along the waterfront.
We may even go hiking a bit.
We'll see....

Then, I'm gonna treat him to dinner tonight at our favoite
Cambodian Restaurant in Campbell.
I think it's called Chez Savoy (?)

'better get ready for the day.
I only have 30 min. left.

But I will definitely write more later.
I've got a lot to catch up on.