12:47p

refresh
it's funny sometimes how therapeutic giving
a massage can be.
I had one of the best sessions this morning in a long time.
and as much as I needed to be on that table receiving a massage,
the whole exchange that transpired helped me to refresh.

so here I am, taking a little time for myself,
before another good friend comes over for her session.

11:59a

holiday
it is about that time for one of these day offs for me.
i have been spending too many of my waking hours
hunched over on my computer at my job. arrrgggghhh!!!!
I want to help, so I do what I can. but dammit, the workload is just
too much sometimes.

I'm handling it much better emotionally, though.
besides that, I am making plans to move forward after April passes.
I commited to staying for at least one year, and to be honest, i think
that is all I can devote of my energy, time and physical health at this job.
it's time for me to seek greener pastures, so to speak.

It's difficult, though, because as is always the case,
i haven't figured out that one thing I want to devote to (job-wise).
I do know what my "life's work" is, but sometimes I have a difficult time
translating that to a job.
I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that there isn't that ONE job for me...
that i will most likely journey through different capacities of the social work/education/social justice
world.
It's kinda like doing those majors in college where you create it yourself...I think it's called
something like, "Interdepartmental Studies" or something???

I (heart) New York!
besides working too many hours a week, I am still alive.
just Thursday night, I booked our flight to New York,
yes, I am actually TRAVELLING, in MAY!!!!

I'm so freakin' excited!!! We are staying there for a week, primarily to
visit my cousin, who will be graduating that week with her Masters in Public Health Administration
from Columbia. but we will also be taking in everything that New York has to offer.
We've already got our first event set: watching the Mariners and Yankees play at Yankees Stadium.
We also have our lodging set: we'll be staying with our friends, Elaine and Al, in New Jersey. Yippeee!

Let's see...so far, some of the things we want to do while we are there:
1. visit museums: The Guggenheim, The Met
2. catch a Broadway play
3. hopefully get to attend my cousin's graduation (if she can get enough tix). otherwise, we'll celebrate with her afterwards
4. go clubbing til 6am
5. go to Central Park
6. visit the World Trade Center area
7. hang out in Greenwich Village, Soho, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem
8. visit as many friends who live there
9. get tix to The Dave Letterman Show
10. hang outside MTV's TRL while they are taping live
11. EAT at all the great places my cousin talks about: Serendipity, that steak place (dunno the name), the Cuban-Chinese restaurant near Columbia, etc., etc.
12. shop at HM
13. walk along Park Avenue
14. more later...gotta continue with my research

would love to take any other suggestions, too!

6:09p

the countdown
so as ugly as the last few months of 2003 was,
me and the bf had a little session over dinner on
new year's eve about some of the better times/highlights,
if you will of this past year:

1. celebrating our 11-year anniversary
2. the bf was able to arrange with his full-time job to work part-time
so that he could pursue work in a growing photography organization
3. we saw more concerts this year than any other:
(saw Avril in June, John Mayer in July, Duran Duran, Liz Phair and Seal in Sept, Maroon 5 in July and Sept)
4. chased down Roger & Andy Taylor's van and saw them up close AND saw Duran Duran in my favorite concert ever
5. held baby Giselle for the first time (our friends' little girl, born in May)
6. celebrated Max's, Donovan's and Tommy's 1st b-days
7. celebrated our 12th annual x-mas party - this time with TONs of porn DVD's as gifts for the White Elephant game
8. found out my cousin, Fatima, was having her first baby
9. saw my brother graduate from college (he worked his ass off for that degree)
10. got my second massage therapy gig at a new spa in the city
11. met 2 of the most down-to-earth, genuine people in my last 2, very corporate jobs (I'm lucky to be able to call them friends)
12. crashed anna's wedding with Cyn so we could see the girl get married
13. getting invited to Jason's wedding after being out of touch for ten years
14. getting all star-struck with the TJH crew over Len's big screen-directorial debut and watching the movie together
15. El going through the most intense pregnancy and coming out of it on top with a beautiful baby Ryan as her prize 16. going through my awesome painting class at SF State
...lots more! will continue listing later

5:16p

The last 4 days away from everything has been heavenly.
Finally - I can take a breath.
'Been making to do lists each day so as to be productive with
the rare free time that I have. It's been helpful and has helped me
to better understand the rut I have been in over the last year.

every day I go to work only to waste my time, energy
and emotions worrying about all the things I have to accomplish
with the limits of an 8-hour work day.
on top of that, there is the odd (or lack of)relationship I have to deal with at work.
In retrospect, the work itself isn't the problem, but rather this particular relationship.
Truly, if there was more trust, communication and acceptance, life would not be so horrible.

but perhaps what has made things even more challenging
is that I had not figured out a way to get myself out.
I had not figured out what i truly wanted, nor did i take many steps to get there.
that's what was missing.
that's what made me feel trapped and fueled the
awful cycle I was dying to get out of.

I think I've known this all along.
I know fear had a lot to do with my apprehension to make certain moves.
With everything that the world has shown me this year,
I've come to realize (in a different and more real light) that change is the only constant.
And while there are no guarantees in choices or steps you make,
the only thing you have control of is in how you prepare for change.

Quite honestly, it is scary. Scary as hell.
When auntie passed away, so many things went through my head.
One thought was that now there is one less person to take care of me.
As independent as I am and even though I've spent all these years
freeing myself from my parent's rules and expectations,
I realize what a blessing it is to always have some one to look after you.

So here I am again, being challenged to ride my bike without training wheels.
Or at least it feels like it.
New eyes, new perspective, new challenges and expectations...
I officially feel like I am delving into a new realm in this chapter of me.

One thing is for sure: I am HUNGRY for CHANGE! (no, not the kind that jingles!)
I used to think that even-numbered years were better than the odd-numbered ones.
But even with some of the awful things that transpired in 2003, some great things
also came to be.
My conclusion: from here on out, the world is just gonna be as real as it wants to be,
odd-numbered year or not.
but it is ultimately up to me to determine how I deal with it
and what I make of myself.

I would be lying if I said I still wasn't scared.
but there is hope in everything, including me. and I just have to count on that.
After all, I am still here.
*sigh*

11:16 p.m.

a cleansing down-pour to start the new year
it's so nice to have a day off...make that two days off including the weekend.
I woke up this morning at about 10am to the sound of
rain outside our window.
the bf didn't want to get up yet, so I decided to stay in bed
a little longer to keep him company.
'said a little prayer for auntie and then
'started reading Tuesdays With Morrie, which my brother dropped off
yesterday.
this kept me busy for a good hour.

then around 11 am, me and the bf couldn't help but get out
from under the covers to look outside our bedroom window.
it was pouring like crazy by now and we just had to see for ourselves.
as we looked on, we were both on the same wavelength as we
simultaneously thought about the homeless people that
may be caught up in all of the rain.
suddenly I felt guilty for the roof over my head.

then, we walked to the living room and opened our front door.
i got tired of looking at the deluge through our crummy screen.
the storm reminded both of us of the bagiuos in the Philippines.
I remembered the house we lived in in Makati with the tall concrete
barricade you had to walk over
in order to reach our front door.
as odd as it was, it made sense to have it there
since there was apparently a lot of flooding on our street.

we eventually closed the door and cuddled
in our blankets on the couch while we watched the
J. Timberlake concert on our DVD.
our new year's breakfast consisted of a chimichanga
(those ones that come 20 a bag at Costco)
and water. how original, huh?

we finally pulled ourselves away from the tube to
carry on with the rest of our plans for the day.
ironically, by this time, the rain had ceased.
i think the downpour literally lasted for at least 4-5 hours.
maybe more.
i decided to start on balancing my checkbook
but ended up having a long discussion with the bf about what
health insurance we should purchase.
it sucks to be an adult sometimes as i'd much rather be discussing
what new color to paint our master bedroom.

but the day went on anyway.
i didn't finish paying the bills or balancing my checkbook,
but I did manage to go to the gym,
watch a little bit of "Gone With the Wind" on TBS,
go to the grocery store,
and blog.
hmmm...sounds like a pretty full day to me!

ringing in the new year
unlike last year when me and the bf decided last minute to
watch the fireworks display from Treasure Island,
this year, we had a nice quite evening together.
we needed it badly!
it has been a challenge to spend any quality time together
over these last couple of months.
both of our brains have been consumed with things other than eachother.
and it doesn't help that I've been working too many hours
or that each of us has been sick and injured.
I'm telling you, this year has been wayyy too real.

we decided on having a nice dinner at Venezia Cafe in Berkeley - my favorite restaurant.
we got there at around 5:30p just before the crowd.
we were lucky to have even had a chance to eat dinner at their bar area
because they were booked solid.
as usual, the food was delicious and cooked to perfection.
I ordered my usual: linguine with prawns and the house salad.
the bf ordered their ravioli with pesto, which was damn good.
I'm telling you, you can't go wrong with anything you order there.
we also had their fried calamari for appetizer.

it was so good to be able to spend quality time
talking, reminiscing, laughing.
made me realize that nothing was worth missing this kind
of time with my bf. nothing.

instead of stuffing our faces, we had our extra food packed up
and made room for dessert. you HAVE to make room for dessert
at Venezia, particularly for my favorite: torte gelato.
it is heaven. plain heaven.
i secretly wished for my own piece instead of sharing one with my bf. ;)

we talked more on the ride home.
we stopped off at Blockbuster and rented a couple of DVD's:
- Office Space (one of the most hilarious movies I've seen) and
- The Royal Tenenbaums (liked this one a lot, too. I like how it flowed like a book.)

we had planned to do our usual tradition of welcoming the new year, but were too tired.
then for some reason, i had a sudden surge of energy and changed my mind.
so, with 2 minutes before midnight, me and the bf rushed to open all of the doors, lights and windows.
It was quite the workout for me as I haven't set foot in a gym for weeks.
we accomplished our feat with 45 seconds left and then we counted down with Dick Clark
and his "Rockin' Eve" crew on the tube: 10-9-8-....1...happy new year!!!!
We both jumped up and down (in hopes that I would grow...even a couple more inches) and
later called our families to wish them a happy new year.
as suspected, both of our parents were asleep. thank goodness my brother woke up our parents 10
minutes before the countdown.

we called a few other friends and even received a nice call from my
drunk cousin who was as happy as a clam.
thank goodness for that.

wow...can't believe it is midnight again as i type.
it's amazing how quickly time passes sometimes.
there's still so much more to write, but guess I'll save it for later.

happy new year to everyone who reads this!
may you all find peace, happiness, love, wisdom and hope in the coming year. :)