11:15a

shoulda, coulda, woulda
I should really be changing the sheets on the twin bed,
but once again the blogger-force has sucked me in.
Our good friend, D, is driving up from LaLa land tomorrow
and will be with us through the weekend.
Hence, I must prepare his "VIP" suite.
(He stays with us all the time)

I should've come home earlier to clean the house,
but common sense told me to hang out with my good friends
for four hours of Happy "Hour" instead.
It was soooo worth it.
Hadn't seen L in over 2 years and of course it was great to catch up.
'Forgot how comfortable I was around her, she's completely down to earth.
And even more, she's always been like one of the "girlfriends"
even though we rarely ever hang out together.
I'm lucky to know someone like her.

And even better,
she took us to the Live 105 studios, 'cause her boyfriend worked there.
And guess who was Dj-ing on the air just as we stepped into the studio?
Yup, you guessed it.
He was even nice enough to step away for a couple of minutes to
formally greet us.
He couldn't hang long cause he was the only one on the air.

Oh, and on the wall was this very cool SMASHING PUMPKINS
frame thing...I can't describe it, but I'm sure my cousin Fatima
and Lu would've appreciated it.

The very modest but colorful space made me long
for the days when I worked in a similar place,
where you get inspired everyday and have all the room in the world
to grow in directions you choose....

~Untitled (and in progress)~

I don't want to sleep til I understand
the empy feeling floating inside.
Am I alive?
I'm not sure sometimes.

I wake up every morning
and start my car
to make it through
the easiest commute imaginable.
"At least I'm alive", I think,
while the same
numbness sets in

Numbered goals
fill pages in my planner
only to be left
un-crossed-out for months.
'Tired of the same old mess.
Is it the numbness or laziness?

Only work sets a standard
for "success" or "failure",
Some things are just black and white like that.

But I......miss the grey

'cause I know that's where I belong,
in 18% shades of it,
where my heartstrings are pulled
in unknown directions
only my insides can understand.

If only I could see it in black and white,
If only that place existed before my eyes

...that's where I belong,
in 18% shades of it,
unafraid.

- written 7/29/03

9:17p

lost cause
i'm really happy for all of those wonderful people that
connect with one another on this new thing we
call "prendster" (as my dad would pronounce it)
...but you know, when you can barely get to the site
or when you're logged in but are unable to move to the next page
after several tries, the gods MUST be trying to tell you something.
Like, "STAY AWAY"..."BAD FOR YOU"

i SWEAR that's what I hear everytime I log in. I don't think
they'll ever let me in that stupid site until they start charging!
Eh, who cares? Blogging is better anyways! :)

and the flowers bloom
you just know when you meet a genuinely good/kind person.
too bad for me it took a little while to realize those qualities
in one of my co-workers.
'can't help but smile cause beneath that sarcastic, loud exterior
lies a heart of gold.
you wouldn't believe it at first impressions either.
hehehe....it's good to know I'm still blessed to be
surrounded by good people.

another sushi dinner
sharing a tempura, teriyaki salmon and fried tempura sushi rolls
always brings me and the bf together.
listening to his photography plans in between each dip of sushi into my soy sauce/wasabi mix
makes everything taste better.

'pondered about how to start a little "jam session"
with my massage therapist colleagues at the spa -
just like my bf's monthly photography community-share with his colleagues.
I read in Art and Fear that getting together with people
who share your same passions is one of the best ways
to keep your "Art" going and growing.
That makes sense to me cause that's exactly how community/social work is.
I'm all about those kinds of organic processes.
I swear, it's been a while since I've been part of one!

cosmic forces or not?
once again, I'm convinced that the planets are aligned for me and my cousin in London.
I read her blog entry this morning and freaked out!

Hey CHI, if you're reading this, I, too, was trying to "unleash" my pen
onto my journal last night and was thinking the SAME things you were in your entry.
But, yours was much more eloquently written of course. :)

It's scary sometimes how parallel our lives have been ever since I got back in touch with her.

That reminds me of the handful of friends I have who are
eerily on the "same plane" with me (it's like being in the twilight zone)....you know,
the ones who are thinking the EXACT same thing you are at the same moment.
OR the friends who finish your sentence because they just happen to be
saying the same thing at the same moment you are.
Damn, what do you call that?
It's like we're connected by some cosmic forces or something!

pleasantville
it really makes a difference when you actually TRY
to convince your lazy mind to do what your
body is begging for you to do.

so, i actually made it out of bed this morning at 6am
to head to the local gym.
wished i coulda done more cardio, but I think 15-20 min.
of it is friggin' better than NOTthing over the past week and a half.
'also threw in some sit-ups and stretching.
I can actually breathe deeply now!

didn't expect a reward, but I got one anyway:
I cooked eggs and sausage and managed to have a sit-down
breakfast with my bf...AND i got to ride BART with him
...AND i even got to work on time.

I'm dumbfounded at the thought of such progress.
Imagine what more I could do with myself when I get off my ass
and actually TRY!

7:59p

did i tell you
...that i had a great time this weekend
and forgot to blog about it?

Saturday was photography day for me and the bf.
Went to Fort Mason in the city for a morning panel of photographers.
At first, I thought it was just gonna be some workshop, but it
turned out to be this awesome presentation by some
of the most welll-respected photographers of our time.
I got so much out of their explanations of their work.
It made me understand what it means to have and live with integrity.

Their answers during the panel discussion were so down-right honest
...not pretentious or made-up at all.
It was soooo refreshing to hear their words and understand
their love for their art.
It's amazing what can happen to a person when they are open
to living out their truths despite the fear of the unknown.
All of them really inspired me.

My two favorites, though, were Martha Casanave and Michael Kenna.
I had heard of Michael before because one of
my bf's colleagues worked for Michael.
I admired his humility and respect for nature (the subject that dominates his work).
I never heard of Martha before, but she was just down-right hilarious!
Very sassy and confident in her views without being condescending or imposing.
I liked her a lot. She reminds me of some of the friends I hang out with.

na-duling ako talaga!
After the panel presentation, we headed to the other end of
Fort Mason to check out the exhibit.
WOW! I had never been to one of these before!
It was quite overwhelming because there were LITERALLY
30 + galleries displaying their works. I thought I was gonna
go duling from all the photographs.
It was an annual event sponsored by Photo San Francisco
and this was by far the biggest exhibit I've ever been to.

Believe it or not, I went through each and every booth.
And I even saw this old MTV VeeJay man-ing one of the booths.
My bf and I kept looking at her and looking at her.
Then finally I had enough nerve to ask her if she was who I thought she was.
She was nice and all, but i didn't quite like the tone in her voice when she answered me.
She was SOOOOO unwelcoming! And it wasn't like she was being
flocked by swarms of people either.
ew!

keeping the vampires away
as it happens every year, I always hear about the Gilroy Garlic Festival
the very weekend that it is happening.
This time around I was determined NOT to miss it.
I've never gone before and I just didn't want to pass up another year to
"get a taste" of one of my favorite vegetables.

knowing that my bf wouldn't be able to join me,
i decided to call a few friends to see who might want to come along.
as expected with the last minute invitation, no one could make it.
but no worries....I simply spent some quality time with me.

Thank goodness my friend, A, schooled me on the festival.
She's gone every year except for this one.
And if it wasn't for her, I would've completely missed the popular
"Gourmet Alley" and bought food at some of the regular stands.
Thank goodness she also instructed me to try the "Combo" plate
cause for $10 I got a little taste of everything at the Gourmet Alley:
* shrimp scampi
* sauteed calamari
* pesto pasta
* pepper steak sandwhich

I also would've missed the FREE GARLIC ICE CREAM if my friend hadn't told me.
This was actually the one thing I had been the most curious about.
It tasted ok. 'definitely garlicky and 'definitely ice cream...it wasn't gross,
but I don't think I would go out of my way to purchase the stuff.
I dunno...I think it's just sacrilege to combine the two....let's just leave it at that.

Otherwise, everything else was delicious!
And as expected I'm exhaling, sweating,
(and other excretory functions), GARLIC!
Hope this doesn't last too long, cause I've been
known to smell like garlic for days at a time.
...my poor bf. :(

almost brain-dead numb
'been listening to John Mayer's "Any Given Thursday" album
everyday this week...over and over again.
I would say i've probably had the album playing for at least 30
hours total this week.
'can't help it. I love every single song he's written.
Plus, it helps me think and think and think about...stuff.

me and my bf also watched his "Any Given Thursday" DVD
with AND without commentary...yes, we watched it twice
in one week.

I really like the guy. super REAL for sure.
and the man is deep.
he's someone I think i could definitely have an
enlightening conversation with.

a day with the experts
so I spent my day today at an immigration law for paralegals
seminar.
besides helping me in my learning process with my
job as an immigration paralegal,
it gave me a chance to look at immigration more comprehensively.

as usual, the critical, social welfare/activist side of me came out in my thought process:
-how do I know that the folks we are helping get visas aren't potential "terrorists"?
-what should be our gauge for deciphering this? is it even possible to gauge this at our stage of the process?
-why is this government allowing work visas to be handed out to foreigners when there are MILLIONS
of Americans who are unemployed?
-why are there more limitations imparted on Mexican immigration v. Canadian immigration when
part of the U.S. should actually belong to Mexico? (but the U.S. re-negged on the agreement some 100 yrs ago)
- are immigration lawyers "just doing their jobs" for the mighty dollar, or are they putting some critical thought on
the eco-/socio-political implications of what they do?
- why are illegal immigrants scapegoated on when (hello?) the root of our immigration problems stem from instability in other countries
(where the U.S. has more than likely contributed to the instability in the first place)?
why not address those issues rather than blame the ones being victimized and adversely affected?

The one topic that I completed gravitated to was
Asylees and Refugees (or people seeking asylum in the U.S.
for fear of persecution in their home country).
Unfortunately, I haven't worked on these types of cases.
In fact, I'm not sure if we take those cases at all.
Nevertheless, it was something I was immediately drawn to.

Quite frankly, i would prefer to work on those types of cases
because it coincides with my passions and values.
Believe you me, helping someone get a work visa is nothing
compared to helping someone seek asylum.
then again, getting a work visa can be a step in escaping
socio-political persecution from one's home country, but
it's not always the case.

yet another affirmation
After that particular lecture, my place in this world was
once again confirmed.
It's amazing how powerful it is sometimes.
It's greater than instict.
I almost feel like Harry Potter has done a number on me.

But the eternal question still remains: specifically where
do I place these energies and passions? which social cause? which social service agency?
in what capacity?

I guess I have to do what i've been doing most of my life:
follow my heart.
and as cliche as it sounds, it's worked for me - unfortunately not in the
money department, but at the very least it makes me feel whole.
I feel totally and completely free to just be.

right now I'm just anxious,
cause I don't want what i have to go to waste.

harlem
'just finished watching the last episode of Fame that we taped.
I'm soooooooooooooooo happy that an Asian brother won it.
I was crying like an idiot when they announced his name as the winner,
and me and my bf "high-fived" like we were at a ball game - proud as hell.

However, I am a bit skeptical.
I just hope that his new manager, Johnny, will invest in him
as much as his competitor, Shannon, who was also invited to join the label.
I hope Johnny remembers the struggles of his "folks" (the African American community)
and honors the same struggles of Asian Americans to be fully accepted in
American society, particularly the music community.

I'm also not sure about the suggestion of Harlem's
image consultant to emphasize his cultural heritage as a way to "package" (I hate that word) him.
on one hand, i think it is extrememly important to showcase his background
because of the implications it has on the Asian American community.
But i think that it needs to be balanced with his talent - period.

Personally, I think it is more important that people see Harlem as a talented artist.
To me, it is more important that people understand that talent has no racial or ethnic boundaries.
In other words, I would hate Harlem to turn into some token Asian pop artist.
I hope those idiots don't fuck up his "image"...even though I don't believe in all
that B.S. in the first place.

on a lighter note
we're hanging out at another photo exhibit/photo seminar.
after all this hoopla with my bf getting into photography,
i think i've re-kindled my passion for art.
I LOVE paintings, too.

in fact, i shopped around on www.allposters.com
for some nice prints to hang up on my cave walls in the office.
here's some of my favorite artists:
* Matisse
* Picasso
* Mark Rothko
* Nell Whatmore
* Joseph Albers

and here's some of my favorite pieces:
1. "Solar" - Claire O'Hea
2. "Orange & Yellow" - Mark Rothko
3. "Whirl #6 Green on Bright Red" - Michael Banks
4. "Study for Homage to the Square" (in red) - Josef Albers
5. "Study for Homage to the Square - Conf" (orange) - Josef Albers

Gonna hit Reprint Mint in Berkeley to see if I can find some other
prints that I didn't see on all posters. wish me luck! :)

12:22a

deja vu
it seems that I've been having the same conversation with people lately.
From my closest friends to new friends I made just today,
a consistent topic has been "about the journey".
So many dissatisfied souls out there
still trying to seek out truth -
specifically the truth that lies in their hearts.

Conversations about reaching goals,
doing something "different" in life,
feeling lost,
feeling like you are everywhere but getting nowhere...
this has been the general theme in many people's lives lately.

But about "the journey"...
it's important to value it, yes.
On the flip side, however, you still need to balance that with
goal setting
cause having some sense of direction is important.
Having some commitment in accomplishing something is part of that journey.

I guess I'm at that point where I just need to do it.
I need to stop sitting here
postulating philosophy and be more proactive
in achieving what little clear goals I have.

I guess I'm just afraid of getting too caught up in the "doing"
that I'll forget why I'm doing it in the first place.

5:07p

life over sushi
spent last night having dinner and conversation with my bf -
only, I was the one doing most of the listening.
And while I thought the things that were about to come out of
his mouth were things i didn't really want to hear,
it was the exact opposite.

Here I am searching the depths of everything around me
to find my answers,
and there he was just sitting there
expressing the very things I needed to hear.

can't stop listening to this...

WHY GEORGIA - John Mayer

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind


Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life


Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?


I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul


Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life


Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?


So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down


Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself


If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

10:04p

"send your prayers to me, care of nine-...I got panty"
actually, the real line of that song is supposed to end with:
"..care of nineteen eighty-threeeee"

but only John Mayer can change the words to his song (live,
ad-lib wise) at the very moment
that a pair of underwear lands on his feet. (thrown on stage by one
of the fans in the crowd, of course.)

I knew the man was talented but watching and listening to him live
was by far theee best concert experience ever!
well, ok, maybe it's equal with the janet jackson concerts I've been to,
since I love all the dancing, but
John Mayer has GOT to be one of theeee most talented performers
I've ever seen and heard.

Of course, I didn't come to that realization until after
I got over my whole "Oh-my-god-it's-John-hotty-Mayer-I'm like a freakin-
15-yr-old teeny-bopper" spaz attack.
I was seriously transported back to 5th grade when I watched my first
concert (Duran Duran) and screamed my head off til
there was nothing left to scream with.

We were lucky enough to enjoy the concert with our good friends
K & R. 'had no idea they were fans of him, too.
and it was super cool when all four of us were singin' along to the songs.
But truly, it seemed like everyone in the joint knew the
words and were singing along.
It was one of the best natural highs.

And John Mayer can rip a guitar rif like nobody else can.
WOW!
All I could do was shake my head and do the "raise the roof"
hand signal.
I was totally dumbfounded.

The thing that makes him so unique aside from his amazing talent
is his... i dunno how to describe it...I guess his whole approach to music.
He's totally not into the whole "image"
thing....he keeps it real and down-to-earth
and lets his music, creativity and talent speak for itself.
I dig that.
In fact, in the middle of the concert, he busted out with,
"nothing's really changed, but the guitars have gotten a lot better".

He's also freakin' hilarious. He totally rocked last night.

Oh, and Counting Crows was amazing, too.
I never really heard many of their songs, but
man...they're an awesome group in their own right.
And the lead singer's voice is so raw and unique.
It was mesmerizing hearing him sing.
I could sit there all day just like that.

Maroon 5 also performed.
Man, they weren't bad for an "opening act".
I recognized one of the songs they sang
since I hear it on ALICE all the time.
I think I could probably get into them and Counting Crows
if I read their music lyrics.
That's what really draws me in.

Anyhow, I was on such a John Mayer high last night
that I ended up having a dream about him...and how we
both liked eachother.
When I told my bf, he just boffed at me with an, "ohhhh boy".
(boff..is that a word?)
I'm telling you, it's true what they say:
People do get older, but that doesn't mean they
become more mature.
yes, i am still that 5th grader at her first Duran Duran concert stuck in a 30-yr old's body.

Lola
It's funny how life takes a turn...when you're high on some guy
you don't even know.
My mom forwarded me an email that my aunt in the PI's sent her.
Apparently, my lola has grown really weak and
is pretty much in her last days.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how i'm supposed to feel.
My initial reaction was...nothing.
I kinda feel guilty about that, but then I don't.
I can honestly accept that it is her time to rest now.

I'm also feelin' kinda wierd cause never really forged a relationship with her that I could remember.
She was more integral in my life when I was a little kid.
Her and my Lolo took care of me while my parents
immigrated to the U.S. to settle before they sent for me.
That's when I was 2-4 years old.

My lola also stayed with us for a couple of years to
help take care of my brother when he was born.
That's when I was 7-8 years old.

And the last time I saw her was in '97.
But by that time, she was already pretty old and frail
to really have a conversation with.

Then, there's these other conflicting feelings I have about her.
Don't really want to go into detail about it here, but
let's just say you've got to have the "E-gene" (as my cousin, Fatima, coined the word)
to know where I'm coming from with this.

I can't say I hate her, cause I don't.
I just...don't really have a connection with her.
It's kind of a strange thing to be feeling, especially
towards someone who was pretty dominant in my mom's side
of the family tree,
someone who helped me grow up,
someone who fed me and took care of me,
someone who (according to my parents) spoiled me rotten that
when she returned me to my parents, they had to set me straight.

...I guess I have a lot to thank her for.

hmm...'need to process this a little more.

and the gods continued to keep me in check
as if that didn't lay heavy on my mind,
I also had to fight another mini spaz attack i had today while
trapped in the friggin' stairwell of my office building.

we had this alarm go off and were instructed to walk four floors down
and meet with the floor monitor there. we weren't allowed to use the elevators.
well, as it so happens, just as I walked into the stairwell to
make my way down, they said it was a false alarm and
told everyone to return to their offices.

Apparently when an alarm is called off,
the doors to the stairwells automatically lock,
which, of course, I had no idea of.
So there I am walking down 23 flights of stairs,
knocking profusely on doors at each floor for someone to let me out
with no luck.
Thank goodness for my cell phone. I probably would have freaked out more
if I didn't have it with me.

Of course whenever I tried to call my boss,
the stupid reception sucked, so it took me 3 tries
before I could finally relay to SOMEONE in the outside
world that I was stuck in stairwell land.

Some other stuff happened which I'm not mentioning here
which pretty much pissed me off and made me even more
irate.

Not soon enough did I reach the 1st floor where I told my
boss I'd be waiting for one of the security guards to get me.
But i was standing right in front of an exit door, so i thought about
just letting myself out.
But the alarm would sound if I did.
Then, I finally said "fuck it" I don't owe this stupid place anything
and opened the door which led me to the street.

I was so beside myself with irritation and annoyance
that I just took my lunch break right then and there.
And I HATE that I'm such a cryer, cause as soon as I stepped
onto the street, I started bawling like a baby.
I just get that way when I'm too emotional. arrrgggh!
Thank goodness for my bf...I went straight to his office building
where he greeted me at the front door with a big hug,
a sympathetic ear,
and lunch...on him.
I love that guy!

Moral to the story: don't rely on other people who are
supposed to be responsible for your safety.
bottom line: take care of yourself...always.
Oh, and stay away from stairwells!

(my question is: why the HELL do they leave the door "unlocked" on your side
so that you can get into the stairwell when they don't want you in there
in the first place? AND, what the hell is the point of a stairwell if you can't
even use it?) (Why is it that MORONS are the ones left to deal with
"security" issues?)

*shakes head*

3:22p

didn't quite find what i was looking for
but I found something even better:
walked around 4th street in Berkeley and it was soo alive with people
and music and food and everything!
it was Berkeley at its best.

My first stop was to the market to get some lunch.
There were loads of people in there crowded around the cooked food section.
And when i got there, i couldn't blame them.
WOWOWOWOW!!!!
They had soooo much food just sitting there waiting to be eaten: homemade sandwiches,
pasta salads, green salads, fried chicken, lasagna
....I swear i almost fainted in my excitement.
I chose the grilled vegetable sandwich since I didn't have much cash,
but I supplemented it with a bottle of juice AND the gazillions of samples
they had lying around the store: i.e. chips, salsa, cheeses, bread with olive oil...

ate my lunch outside the market where everyone else was.
found a spot where I had a nice view of the live band that was playing.
It was a young group of folks and the music they were playing kinda
sounded like "elevator music", but they were good.
I was able to take a break from my sandwich to give them an applause
at the end of their number.

I walked through the crepe and ice cream shop and Peet's coffee,
just to see what i could have for desert later.
There were so many selections, that I decided to
think about it later.

Next, I walked into the newly remodeled
Crate and Barrel outlet.
Let me just say that i was shaking the whole time I was in there.
They had so much more merchandise AND they added a section in the
back for discounted furniture.
WOW! I was in heaven. :)

I went to my favorite part of the store: the fabrics.
There were definitely some hip looking stuff and lots of it,
but I didn't quite find the pattern I was looking for.
Nevertheless, I got some great ideas for the rest of my house.

After drooling my way around Crate and Barrel,
I went next door to one of my favorite spots: Z Gallerie.
Only thing is, everything is so damned over-priced that
all I can really do in there is LOOK.
It's quite the tease.

I remembered that they have art in there, too.
Too bad it's quite expensive.
But was once again inspired by their displays and things.

Afterwards, I decided to walk into this place called : The Art Gym.
I had never seen or heard of it before.
And when I walked in, I was instantly inspired. WOW!
It's this awesome place where you can rent out studio space to paint.
And people can just walk in and watch the painters do their thing as well
as look at the paintings on the wall.
YOu can also purchase the painters' art work.
It's this totally organic, cultural, community-oriented space.
It's TOTALLY and COMPLETELY Berkeley.
I miss being a part of that kind of "community".

Anyhow, I ended my short stint at 4th street with
a blended iced coffee from Peet's.
And on my drive home along the waters of the bay, with the Bay Bridge, Golden Gate Bridge and
SFO city scape in the distance, listening to the John Mayer Live album,
sipping on my drink,
I felt totally in my element - thankful that I am able to enjoy days like this.

...and my day's not even over. still got the John Mayer concert in a few hours
yipppeeee!!!

like a sore thumb
the very nice handymen have been painting our house this weekend.
pretty soon the work will be complete and our house
will be the hippest hue in the neighborhood.
not sure if the rest of our neighbors will think so, but
oh well...sucks for them.

As for me, I love it.
Especially the color of our front door.
OUr front and backyards are now begging to match with the new
colors.
I think a japanese/asian type of lanscape would do nicely.
'gonna ask my bf's cousin for tips on how to do it yourself.

I wish I made money....

Roy's and Marriot's
hung out in the city last night for my friend's birthday.
It was definitely a "couple's night".
There were three pairs of us.

It was nice and intimate, though.
We actually got a chance to talk without
trying to fight the noise of a busy restaurant or lounge.

Started off with dinner at Roy's.
Boy, I didn't quite expect to spend a grip on dinner!
Um, let's just say it'll be another year before I spend money like that on one meal.
Thank goodness the food was the best as always.

Then, we headed to the spa that I work at.
It's open til midnight on Saturdays
so there were actually people in there still getting pedicures, manicures and hair coloring.
The ambience is so nice there in the evenings and my boss
was (as always) ao hospitable to us.
He gave my friend, the birthday boy, a free bottle of wine and a free hit at the oxygen bar.
Needless to say, my friend was on a relaxing "high".
We hung out there for a while enjoying the very hip but relaxing atmosphere.

Then, we headed over to "The View" at the top of the Marriot Hotel.
Since we got there pretty early in the evening, we were able
to get a seating area with a full couch and sofa chairs.
It was almost like being in someone's living room...
except you had to pay for your food.
THe birthday boy was nice enough to pay for all of us.
hm...maybe I should treat him to oxygen ALL the time. ;)

We spent a pretty good chunk of time up there
just chatting away, reminiscing, and laughing.
It was quite pleasant.

ONly thing is, I was ready to party that night
but the bf wasn't, so we went home afterwards instead.
I'm not too disappointed since we will be going dancing next friday.
I just turned on the hip hop tunes in the car and bopped to the beat while i drove.
ahh...the sacrifices a girlfriend makes!!!! ;)


Before going to bed, I lay there reading through
my book of wedding dresses finding inspiration for what mine would look like.
I only saw bits and pieces of my ideal, but haven't quite found "the one".

Not that I'm desperate to get hitched or anything, I just really and truly LOVE
wedding gowns and the creativity of the designers that make them.
I love learning about the types of materials, cuts, styles, train lengths, etc.
If I could be a designer, I certainly would become one.

For now I just enjoy the creations of my favorite designers: Melissa Sweet, Pronovias, Amsale,
Yumi Katsura, (some other designers who's names I forgot), and of course, Vera Wang.
I really dig her. She's very courageous with her designs. definitely thinks outside of the box.

Funny...a few years ago I thought about becoming a wedding dress expert
at Trudy's.
(I LOVE that store. My favorite wedding gown expert there is Marika - she's a true professional.)
Then, I thought about all the potential pretentious women that I'd have to deal with.
Or the controlling mothers that I'd have to appease.
Eh, forget it!
It's so not worth it. It'd just ruin the whole "art" of wedding gowns.

Besides, I just really can't deal with some of the values and ideals
that people have out there about weddings and marriage.
You know, those people that get sooo caught up in the "wedding"
that they forget the whole meaning of "marriage".
I honestly don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

more sun
'gonna head over to Berkeley today to do some print shopping.
I'm determined to get some color on my office space cave walls.
'was thinking of stopping by the Crate and Barrel outlet on 4th street
to see if they have any interesting fabrics.
'Was thinking of putting it on a wooden frame as an art piece.

I might also check out Re-print Mint on Telegraph.
They have such an awesome collection of poster art.
Besides, today's a great day to be walking along Telegraph
with all the street vendors and stuff.
hmmm...maybe I'll hit up Cafe Strada for a cup of my favorite White Chocolate Mocha.
Haven't had one from there in years.
Seriously, I have YET to find another cafe that serves em as good as theirs.

WOO HOO JOHN MAYER CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!!!

9:09a

1 more day

...til we see John Mayer in concert!!!
yippee skippy!!!
'been listening to his album over and over for almost a year now.
I'm totally excited to hear his new one which is coming out on Sept. 9.
'have to remember to bring enough cash to buy souvenirs.

random thought: while watching "Oliver's TWist" two days
ago on The Food Network, I thought to myself,
"hey, Jaime Oliver kinda looks like John Mayer".

workin' my tail for $14
we hosted a party at the spa on thursday night.
and I volunteered my time giving folks "chair" massages,
which were actually table massages.
Thank goodness for that cause chair massages are
so bad for therapist's bodies, particulary my
short one.

the party was for one of the homeowner's associations down the street.
'some upscale condo complex.
anyhow, not that I'm all about getting tips or anything,but
you would think that "rich" people who can afford a half a million+ condo
in the middle of the city could afford
to tip a therapist a little more than $0.

I wouldn't be so irate if it weren't for the fact that
one of the women I massaged
decided to give me tips on how I should have massaged her shoulders
a particular way.
Now, I'm all about getting feedback from clients
because I value that type of learning experience.
But this time around
I just couldn't help but think to myself, "b*tch, it's a friggin' 10
minute session. of course, you're not gonna get the whole nine".

I mean seriously, people forget the basics sometimes, you know.
And I wouldn't be so irate if it weren't for the fact that
the woman was so unappreciative and acted like such a prima donna.
Um, wake up call: just cause you've got hella paper to spend doesn't entitle you to
"deserve" anything, let alone a 10 minute massage which she didn't
even tip me for.

Thank goodness she was the only bitch of the lot.
Everyone else seemed to be down-to-earth and appreciative,
and truly, that's all I ask for in return. No tips necessary.

Like I said, I'm not really about the tips.
It's really about building relationships.
'Just because someone doesn't tip, doesn't mean they don't appreciate your work.
You can already tell by how they relate with you.

Luckily for me i don't get very many clueless, pretentions idiots
as clients. Nevertheless it still sucks when I get those few, in which
case all i can feel is sorry for them...
Sorry because they haven't yet evolved from the cro-magnon era.
They should be so lucky not to look like one.

1:26p

and on the 3 day, god said...
"let there be music blasting out of Cambridge Soundworks
speakers and a sub woofer"
(tee hee)

yeah for me...
i finally remembered to bring my bf's speakers
into the office to connect to my computer.
I'm telling you, my day is great already.
now if only I can get some more greenery
and color on the walls,
my little gray cave will feel somewhat like home.

Not that I could ever get sick of listening to
a John Mayer or Julie Plug CD, but
I think I'm gonna have to add on to my collection
here at the office.

and the sun shines everywhere
seriously,
today is like 180 degree turn.
'got so much good news all around...

my co-worker treated me to a morning snack.

my friend since 3rd grade
just posted her baby's ultra sound picture on her blog...yeah for baby Armijo!!..
ahh...made my day - it's a baby boy.

my boss just told me that her nose bleeding last week
was due to the fact that she's preggers with her 2nd baby!!!

and my friend in LA LA land had some happy news to share.

oh, and of course, I now have sound...sound, dammit..S O U N D on my computer!!!!

oh, and for some reason, my bf woke up all sprite and cheery today.
lucky bastard...he's still on his vacation.

so, while the day is still good and the sun is still shining outside
my 23rd floor office and while caffeine has not yet pervaded my system,
i'm going outside to lunch.
...and pick me up some decaf mocha across the street.

life is just grand. :)

w i t h d r a w a l
seriously,
if it weren't for the fact that I saw "the spoiler" (aka Theis D'Orio sp(?))do his first
performance on tonight's "fame", my
entire day would have been a complete waste of time.

of course,
I probably wouldn't have become such a huge fan (of his dancing - he's gotta work on
the singing part a bit more, though)
if it weren't for the fact
that my bf somehow remembered Theis from somewhere....
we popped in our Janet Jackson Velvet Rope Tour DVD
and who was there on stage as one of the back-up dancers?!!!!
YUP!
The new "spoiler" on "Fame" is a frickin' RINGER!

(but a hot dancer nevertheless - ahem)

Needless to say, i am his new fan. woo hoo!
(Go, Theis! It's yer birthday!)

I'm too juiced right now to even THINK about blogging about
my crummy-ass
day at work.

(did i ever tell you how much I love dancing
...and guys that can dance? yum.)

3:44p

d e t o x
not quite sure where to begin.
all i know is, I HATE WORK and AM SAD TO GO BACK TOMORROW.
ok, ok, maybe that's a little dramatic.
what i meant to say was, "I can be on vacation forever...and i hate work".

*sigh*

reading my cousin's latest blog entry pretty much brought
everything I've been feeling and experiencing full circle.
'helped identify the "disease" which has plagued my system for months now.

I think both my bf and I have been feeling the weight of
work and obligations and all the bullshit you need to
go through just to exist and call yourself "responsible"/"adult".
I'm sure my bf would have a different perspective on our getaway, but we
can most definitely agree that it was what
we needed to regain a little of ourselves back.

in a nutshell, me and the bf were out and about
all over the freakin' monterey Bay and California coast line.
It was just like being on summer break as a kid, playing outside all day
til you're stomach yearned for your mom's adobo
and your body reaked of sweat and dirt and whatever else you got your hands into.
yup, that was us 5 days straight: stinky, hungry and having the time of our lives. :)

4th of July
We of course did the fireworks thing on the 4th.
Hung around Monterey and enjoyed the fiesta thing they had at
their city hall plaza. Then headed off to the beach area for fireworks.

all white folks. I think i saw about 15 people of color in all.
not the most diverse place to be, but definitely one of the friendliest
and community-oriented. Some girl was even handing out cookies to the entire crowd
for FREE.
And I'm talking those big fat cookies, not the chips-a-hoy kind!

'decided to try the local fare of caramel popcorn (made fresh on the spot) - my favorite,
fish and chips (not enough chips, though),
and clam chowder in a bread bowl (next time ix-nay on the bread bowl).

we people-watched on the boardwalk while we waited til darkness to arrive
for the fireworks extravaganza.
as usual, we turned into the two old men in the balcony of the muppet show,
handing out criticisms left and right and laughing our heads off.

one of the poignant topics of the evening: faded jeans -
you know, the in-thing to have it faded in the front and the back.
Um, there's definitely the "right" kind of faded look and
the "white-out" kind
which is, plain and simply: not cool.
too bad when I looked down at my own jeans, I had the "white out" kind. :(
so much for being a critic!

lechon & baon
saturday was all about Carmel
and the grand opening of the Rolfe Horn photography exhibit at Weston Gallery.
The whole time we were referring to him, we imagined he was
some older guy...like an Ansel Adams or something.
'Turns out he's our age and even lives in the Bay Area.
Nevertheless, i was in awe of his work.
If only I could afford a $600 photograph of his to hang in my house!

'Imagined that my bf would have the same type of exhibit
at some point in his life.
The only difference is it wouldn't be "the-wine-and-cheese-I'm-too
pretentious-to-eat-REAL-food" celebration.
Ohhhh Nooo! That's just sacrilege in our culture.

Instead, we'd be talkin' rice, lumpia, adobo, a big fat lechon w/ an apple in it's mouth
and absolutely NO vegetables what-so-ever kind of celebration
(oh, and of course some foil and take out boxes for baon).
Yup, that's how we'd do it. ;)
but I digress...

After the exhibit opening, we literally
scoured downtown Carmel for a restaurant to eat dinner at.
Apparently, it's the place to dine on a Saturday night on a 3-day weekend.
thankfully 'found this italian one - not bad.
I was just happy that they had fried calamari cause
i was craving it like crazy that day.

the rice cooker phenomenon
first off, may i say that "rice cooker" is quite
the misnomer for this (as I discovered on our trip) extraordinary cooking device.
quite frankly, it became our life saver.

so as i wrote in an earlier blog, I had this genious idea to
bring a wok and other cooking appliances in an effort to
save money on our low budget get away - an idea inspired by
my travels with my family as a child. (lots of sarcasm here)

to make a long story short, the wok decided to break down on us just
as I dropped a raw egg into it for our corned beef-silog breakfast.
luckily, we were able to cook the entire meal (in just 2 hours!) and fill our tummies
before heading out for the day.

problem is, we still had some spaghetti to cook for dinner.
We couldn't exactly just scrap the meal cause we'd
already bought the meat for the sauce.
what to do? what to do?

We decided to visit the two local shopping centers for
another wok.
As expected, no luck.
Plan B: buy a burner and pot.
Found the burner, but didn't really want to spend the money on the pot
so decided on using....

THE RICE COOKER. tan-ta-ta-taaaan!!!!!
Yes, that's right.

Instead of the pan, we boiled our spaghetti noodles and
made our sauce all in the rice cooker pot over the burner we bought.
And even though it took practically 3 hours to prepare it all,
the darn thing worked.
And we were supplied with enough spaghetti to last for lunch and dinner
yesterday.

Of course, I don't think i can eat another bite of spaghetti
for a little while.
But if it weren't for our trusty dusty "rice cooker", I would have been forced
to spend $5 on a scrumptous burger, fries and coke at the Jack in a Box down
the street.....(wait a minute...)
*sigh*

the signs
my bf and i actually kneeled to pray when we visited the Carmel Mission,
one of the missions established by the famous Junipero Serra.
i figured it would be the respectful thing to do
even though i stopped going to church years ago.
If my mother saw me, she probably would have fainted right there.
(The woman is ALWAYS telling me to go to church.
She'd leave me notes in my bag lunches if she could.)

so in my prayers, I of course gave thanks for
life and this trip and all these other things.
And I also asked for guidance.
I've been so lost lately with all the different
transitions I've been going through -
feeling like I'm everywhere,
but still getting nowhere.

I'm pretty sure the whole trip in itself was a guiding light
cause I noticed some of the signs....

*running into our 2 friends (one was with his wife and kids, the other I hadn't seen in years -
a woman who has the same passion for social work and recently got into Columbia for her MSW)

* freaking out on our drive along the steep and creepy mountainside of HWY 1 - made me realize
that while you may never get rid of your fear of something, you can always find ways to deal with it.

* climbing on the rocks at Point Lobos and actually enjoying it - 'remembered that the simple things
are also important and valuable

* seeing the beautiful blue coastline complete with sea otters, sea lions,
seagulls, kelp forests, and pelicans - 'realized that some things
are wayyy bigger and more important than my little issues

*standing in the middle of acres and acres of wild flowers between the tall mountains
and deep blue ocean - I couldn't help but think, "is this what it's like in heaven?"

*spending hours and hours just gazing at the beauty of nature - 'found
peace and realized how lucky i was just to be breathing

*looking through my bf's camera to see the picture he had composed - 'was amazed
at his unique perspective on the world and remembered that it's still not too late
to "live out my truths"

*having time to sit on "my rock" at the "Ghost Tree" spot on the 17-mile drive in Carmel - finally,
I got a chance to start a poem in my journal. It had been so long since I've felt that kind of openness and comfort.

*spending 24/5 with my partner - 'realized that he's still and will always be my rock, my peace, my life...
and that there's still so much more of life for both of us to explore together (corny but true)

That's what I can remember for now. I only hope I caught all the signs.
But I guess what matters most is
how I apply it all to the here and now.

And while I'm not exactly looking forward to
work tomorrow,
at least my lungs are cleaner,
my head is lighter
and my eyes are wider.
detoxing is a good thing. :)


a little ditty for my baby
what? inspired?
yeah, FINALLY.
and though this is still in the works, it's what it is for now.
it's just good to finally find some words
to describe his awesome journey finding his truths.
'started it while sitting on the rocks by the tide pools at Point Lobos.
'finished on a rock at "Ghost Tree" on the 17-mile drive.


"untitled"

Quietly he sits,
eye upon the shore,
eyes focused forward
always

Patiently he waits,
like a father with his son,
allowing space
and room
for awakening

Unwavered by the sea,
he sits,
nature warmly welcoming
his embrace, his unprejudiced nature
allowing him
to capture
what no one else
can see

Change your prescription
'cause 20/20 vision
is not powerful enough
to understand

But he'll show you
if you let him
cause when I walk beside him
a cloudy day
now unveils
the neon green underbrush

an old rusty chain
speaks of the hardships
of days passed

a forgotten road
now reveals
the soul
that leads
his journey.


quietly he sits
eye upon the shore
eyes focused forward
always

unwavered by the sea
he sits
capturing

life

beauty

truth.

can you believe i just got home a few minutes ago?
that's the only thing I hate about having a late
(8:30p or 9:00p) session at the spa.
i spent a total of 35 minutes just sitting there waiting
for the BART to arrive.
Add on an additional 45 minute train ride
and what do you get?
me coming home in the middle of the night. grrrrrrrr!!!!

adobo and rice on HWY 5
in my tired state I was going to give up packing altogether tonight,
but somehow my second wind just blew in.
'loaded some clothes in the washer and will start
folding the clean ones after this blog.

I made a list of things to pack on my way to and from work today.
As usual, it is scattered like my brain.
But at least it's all right there in front of me.
I have no excuse for forgetting anything.

'Gonna bring some cooking stuff
since we don't want to spend too much money
on food.
well, it's mostly me that's on a budget, but
damn, it's kinda fun to cook corned beef and rice
right there in your hotel room!

When we would go on trips as a kid,
that was just normal.
Shoot, my mom brought everything:
a wok (for cooking stuff like corned beef),
a rice cooker (for cooking rice...and hard boiled eggs),
an electric kettle to heat up water (for our Cup O' Noodle Soups)
...everything!

Sometimes, my mom would prepare the food in advance.
We had this cool food container that was stackable.
Hence, you could have fried fish on one level and longanisa or
fried chicken on another.
It was quite the thing to have.
If not that, a good ol tupperware full of adobo did just fine.

As a kid, I often thought this whole
"bring your filipino kitchen on the road with you" thing
was pretty ghetto.
I mean, all the other traveling kids and their parents were
going through the drive-throughs ordering fries and a burger,
or buying a slurpy from the mini mart at the gas station
while I sat at the concrete table at one of the rest stops
eating my rice and adobo in the middle of
freakin' highway 5...

Ahhh...how naive i was then.
Nowadays i'd even consider bringing my damn
toaster to my hotel room! ;)

spoke too soon
but, alas, my second wind is slowly dying.
got...to...get...s o m e....s h u t e y e

zzzzzzzzz (drool) zzzzzzz

I'm down from my iced mocha caffeine high from yesterday.
'almost succumbed to the caffeine gods again
after my scrumptous lunch of
fish and chips.
(at least I didn't go for the burger).
mmm...the french fries were the shoe string kind.
my favorite next to McD's.

sat by myself at a table for six
with two sets of guests on either side of me.
didn't know either one of them,
but heard every last word of each of their
conversations.

I was totally into my food once it arrived, though.
'didn't have much time or attention span to
devote to anything else.
the fish was super thick...definitely 90% fish compared to batter.

they left a bottle of malt vinegar next to my dish
so i figured "eh, might as well try it".
it wasn't bad.

couldn't help but notice the besides myself and the
table of asian folks behind me,
the rest of the place was PUTI city through and through.
It reminded me of "Cheers".
Lots of business people in suits
ordeirng expensive lunches for their employers to foot the bill.
Lots of MALES, too. wierd. I guess that's what you
get at a BAR and grill.

Anyhow, I decided to splurge today.
'been trying to bring food from home everyday.
'feeling kinda guilty, though.
I really need to stick to my budget.
I'm so undisciplined when it comes to money
...and other stuff too.

but once again, i must return to
the jobby job.
'only 3 more files to go...

strugg-a-ling
mmmm....iced mocha.
i succumbed and went to Starfucks.
anything to re-energize my brain for this last hour of work.

my random thought in the elevator
why am i always seeking to "be somebody"
when I am already a somebody?

4:25p

so why am I blogging right now?
AAARRRGH!!! 'got soooo much damn work to do.
the stupid new web-based software we've been using is so
mother f'n slow
that i'm wayyy behind on everything.

dammit, if i'm not making mistakes left and right,
i gotta deal with friggin' technical difficulties! grrrr....

'connected with one of my co-workers today.
it's a bit of a slow process getting to know people around here,
so every little step is a big one.
everyone's cool of course, but
we're naturally disjointed cause everyone
is doing different things. literally.
we've got 5 + different types of law
being practiced in this office,
plus we rent out office space to
3 other folks who do stuff that aren't related to law at all.

still, it's a nice work place with generally nice people.

monterey
I'm looking forward to this 3-day weekend, which
for me is actually a 5-day vacation.
'gonna head down to monterey with my bf from Fri
to tuesday.

we don't have anything set in stone except to go
to the Westin Gallery.

I'm just looking forward to spending some quality time
with my bf
and my journal.
'haven't written in it in months!
who knows? maybe i'll actually FINISH a friggin' poem.
'haven't written one of those since October.
but i've been trying...lord knows I've tried.
but the damn rat race of a life i have right now
is just sucking out all the creativity in me.

time to change that.

back to work
I know I have to...but I swear to GAWD i don't want to.
please don't make me...
please don't make me.... :(