roll call...

yes, I am still alive.
my bf just mentioned that I haven't written in here for quite some time.
trust me, I've been wanting to, but my time has literally been filled
with things...party planning, cooking, cleaning, working too many damn hours, etc. etc.

Today is perhaps one of the first days of "down time" I've had.
'been cleaning up the house. 'getting it "back to normal" from our
several parties and gatherings over these past few weeks.
It's amazing how quickly and crazily the holiday season creeped up on me!

x-mas at our house
we actually had x-mas here at the house with my bf's parents, my uncle & cousins, and my family.
it was a great time. Uncle and my cousins only stayed for 3 hours
since they had another family party to attend
in the city next to ours.
but we made the most of our time together.

Uncle marinated steak and insisted upon grilling
it on my kalawang-ed bbq grill.
thank goodness we all have updated tetanus shots!
He made my cousin's boyfriend do the bbq-ing since he
is the family expert.
and damn did he grill that steak well!!!

Of course, it took a little while to light the charcoal
being that it was a tad on the cold side and all.
but, alas, my dear old dad was there to our rescue!
with a Californian magazine and lighter in hand,
he proceeded to fill the bottom of my grill
with about 10 wadded up pieces of the magazine
all lit up with fire.
'twas a tad bizarre to see and of course
we all teased and joked about it,
but hey,
he got our charcoal lit and ready for grillin'!

Our yummy steaks went well with the rest of our delicious spread:
- beef caldereta & salmon sinigang (thanks to mama sita seasoning packets, I can call myself a cook!)
- lechon kawali (my uncle's creation)
- green salad with carrots and tomatoes
- a Honey Bake ham (YUM! 'been eating it in sandwiches...will use it to make ham-musubi this week)
- rice (of course)
- Red Ribbon mango cake
- my mom's fruit salad
- baked yams with melted marshmallow topping (a la my friends, S & D...oh this is scrumptous!)
- and tons of beer, soda, and coffee left over from our annual x-mas party

another wedding conversation...argh!!!
After we were all stuffed,
my and my bf's parents proceeded to have the same conversation that
they always have when they see eachother: why me and the bf are not yet married.
UGH!
This conversation at x-mas was particularly interesting as they
began planning..jokingly of course...but literally planning
who to invite, what to wear, who'd cook what.

They keep saying that we don't have to have a grand affair,
so they were planning with very practical heads on their shoulders.
It was quite fun and funny actually,
cause I loved all of it.
I mean, whenever it comes time for us to do the whole shabang,
me and the bf would much rather have something small and actually more
like a typical family party.
We're not really into the whole "formal affair".

If I had my wish, I really wouldn't mind having it in my parent's backyard.
They have this beautiful view of the bay...well, that is once my
dad managed to put enough plant killer to kill our neighbor's humongous bush,
which blocked our view! ;)

but i digress.
I know our parents really just want grandchildren already.
and that's ok.
I just hope they understand how very unorthodoxed/untraditional me and the bf are.
and that is something we value, because our parents have afforded us that luxury.
Instead of putting all of our focus on survival, we are able to look at and experience the world
with the purpose of living out our truths and reaching our potential
without worrying about the limits that "societal norms" create.

It is an extraordinary gift to have that perspective and, truly, if it were not for our parents
teaching us how to take care of ourselves, affording us top notch educations,
and literally providing us with everything we've needed for
our day to day survival growing up,
we would not be in this place.
We would not love and value eachother the way we do, even without that piece of paper that is supposed to
legitimize our togetherness.
Cause we know better.
Cause our vision is greater and more vast than society's definitions.
and because our heart and soul can truly appreciate truth and life
for what it really is.

day-to-day
it feels good to see my words on the screen.
'been apprehensive about writing here for days now.
on the one hand, i've been needing this space to process
and ultimately contribute to my healing.
but on the other hand,
i am afraid my writing will not do justice to everything i have
been experiencing over these
last few weeks.

today
I am strong.
'got through work just fine after praying to auntie
and every possible saint and god there is.
i am so behind on things.
but surprisingly,
i definitely breath a little lighter there
ever since auntie's passing.

yesterday
I was an emotional ball.
I missed auntie again.
we all did.
Although me and Uncle's joint b-day party here at my house
was just as fun and crazy and tummy-filling
as all of our get togethers,
there was a noticeable void.
Though not physically, i know auntie was there with us.
How else would we be able to laugh and dance and play all night?
Her beautiful, fun-loving, energetic spirit is an indelible part of all of us.

today
my brother kept uncle company on his errands to the hospital.
uncle was noticeably distant but still positive and funny as he always is.
all of us pray for him and my cousins the hardest.
they are all strong and able to move forward.
but we can only imagine how much they miss her.
if only we could help make the load in their hearts a little lighter.

there's just so much to write about. I don't even know where to begin.
I shoulda wrote every day like I did before...especially when I was unemployed.
maybe i will just end this for now with the short eulogy i shared about auntie on the first Wake/Viewing service. Perhaps tomorrow I can continue in this process of mine....

11.22.2003
in honor of auntie linda...

I think I now understand
what it feels like to lose a parent.
Auntie Linda was like a second mother to me.

As one of my parents' closest barkadas, Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry
are always together with them.
They are inseperable.
Together they are literally a comedic, carbon copy, bizarro version of eachother...
Kind of like the Disney characters, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum...times 2!

And because they are inseperable,
Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry have played a significant role
throughout my life.
They have become my second set of parents
...except they don't yell at me or bug me about stuff.

In spite of the pain, anger and sometimes hopelessness
I've been feeling over the last 3 days,
the one things that sustains me is Auntie Linda herself...
everything she is,
and the moments I had with her.

So to my auntie...

THANK YOU...for listening to me go on and on about my petty problems
that evening in your kitchen (before Uncle burned it down) ;)
while we ate Uncle's adobo
and shared a mango for dessert.
You made me feel so much better about things.

THANK YOU...for being my guinea pig when I first became a massage therapist.
Even though I know you preferred your usual therapist,
you still hired me to come to the house to give you massages anyway
AND you fed me dinner too!

THANK YOU...for that time at a family party
when you & I took a shot of madeira wine together.
It's not everyday that one actually gets to drink up with their auntie.
But you were just cool like that.

THANK YOU...for welcoming [my bf] into your family as another son
and for treating him accordingly, like
teasing him about his long hair...you said he looked like Jesus
or
nagging him about proposing to me already.

And finally,
THANK YOU...for sharing in so much of me and [my brother's] lives.
From birthdays to graduations...you were always there
supportying us
just as proudly as our own parents.

I miss you now
and always will
my energetic,
funny,
fun-loving,
LOUD,
shameless,
sexy-cool,
classy,
sassy,
Super Star auntie.

...you have impacted my life more than you know.
i love you.

auntie linda
i think i understand now how it feels to lose a parent.
that's what auntie was for me.
she was like my second mother, one of my favorite aunties - right up there with tita alms and tita b.
auntie passed away yesterday afternoon.

after going through the motions of my grief,
I began to realize that i was following the
formulaic/step-by-step phases of grief
that i've read about in my old Psych books
and learned in counseling workshops
"how odd", I thought.
i hate formulas.

the hard part was
that I found out about her passing at work, so the BART ride home
was the longest ever.

where do i begin with describing my pain and heartbreak?
those words mean nothing compared to what i felt.
I never thought i could sob uncontrollably for what fel like forever.
maybe the last time was when i was 4?

all i know is for the first time, I truly could not see past that moment.
hope?
ha!
what the hell was that?
I couldn't believe i was asking the same question that i've
had answers to so many times before:
what's the point in life?

really...tell me.
you couldn't convince me if you tried.
not even i could find some frame of reference or perspective at that moment.
nor did i want to.

all i knew was, my auntie was gone.

but in my sorrow, i could not help but be comforted by the memories
that made her such a significant person in my life...

had a really honest conversation with the bf
this morning.
it was kind of intense
but definitely helped me to look at things from a different
perspective.
helped me realize that i cannot sit around and wait for answers,
i need to follow my truths and pursue the things i am passionate about.
thanks to my baby, i am motivated once again.

after our conversation, i began to think of
my blog entry last night...about my friend.
he is such an example for me.
i mean, through his fears and anxieties over where
his efforts will lead him,
he continues on venturing through the unknown.
i am inspired.

thank goodness cause last night
i had a difficult time falling asleep.
i read some passages from my little book of inspirations,
prayed for the first time in a long time...
did everything i could for a little peace of mind and spirit.

...then my prayers were answered this morning.

Thanks, babe, for your honesty and love.
1-4-3

peace corps bound
it's so nice to be able to write positive things about friends.
i just completed a reference for a friend who is applying to
become a peace corps member.

in writing it, i realized just how amazing of a person he is.
it's kinda funny because even though i've known the guy
for 10 years now and known what a great guy he is,
it took something like this letter to remind me.

so what did i write about? well, lots of stuff.
but the things that stood out the most were:
-his integrity
-his proactive-ness in dealing with conflicts/issues in life
-and the way he's always maintained true to himself
in all the choices he's made in his life.

at first, i wasn't sure how ready he was to pursue
such an incredible commitment.
he had worked in the corporate sector all his life and didn't really have
many experiences serving the community.
but as I processed my thoughts in answering the questions for the reference,
i began to realize that just the person he was
and all the other things i mentioned above
were enough to make him an excellent candidate.

'wish i was daddy warbucks
spent over $100 yesterday to take care of my aching body yesterday.
I developed a nasty headache on Wednesday night due to
tight neck, back and shoulders from not working out
enough and from having a non-ergonomic work station.
my body was just not havin' it anymore.

i was about to go into work today
when i felt my neck muscles cramp up
and yet another awful headache insued.
there was no way I'd make it hunched over on
my work computer today.

I immediately asked my bf to turn around
and drive me back home.
luckily, we hadn't driven too far to get to the BART.
home was only a few blocks away.
I stretched for a while when i got home.
'felt a little better, but i still don't think i would've survived today.
I think my body just needs the rest.

so here i am, in bed with the laptop.
i'm debating on whether or not i should go
in for another massage.
I tried a new place, Body Therapy Center in Palo Alto.
I loved it!
my therapist was trained in myofascial release, and i think
this modality was a good start to helping me
undo all the craziness that i've let my body go through.

i know i should schedule another appointment this weekend, but
it ain't cheap. and i ain't Daddy Warbucks.
dammit, it's times like these when I wish I had 2 extra arms
that would allow me t massage my own back.
argh! I hate catch 22's!!

with a capital "T"
there are days when I am just tired of this place.
I hate to say it, but it's true.
it's not that I feel ill-will toward anyone or anything,
it's just that sometimes
I can't help but FEEL like screaming until my insides start coming out of my mouth.
(I know. bad image.)

I was thinking today in the elevator
how many cycles I've gone through hating and loving this place.
I'm definitely glad that I'm not where I used to be.
I never would've thought that I would be challenged
so much by this experience.

For now,
I'm simply letting things be, knowing full well that
even though I don't have ultimate control over certain things,
I remain true to myself,
'remain critical of the values and things that go on here.
It's not that I am surrounded by bad people.
That would be far from the truth.
I guess it is just a different world, one that i must get along with
without completely assimilating or trading in my values.

but there are just those days sometimes
where all this crazy energy zaps me like a lightning bolt.
and all i wanna do is wave my fist and scream,
"you m*th$r f#cking b#tch!!!!!"

(there. that felt good.)

yes, i have been gone way too long.
too long even for me.
but the good news is, i've gained some new perspective as of late.
i never thought it would freakin' come, but sure enough it did.

'spent this weekend painting for the first time (well, aside from fingerpainting in kindergarden).
i took a class (sponsored by SF State) that was about
exploring the creative process through painting.
up til that friday of class,
i don't think i truly understood what that meant: "the creative process".
well, i thought i knew, but i don't think i've truly experienced it in the way i'm supposed to,
even though journaling and blogging have definitely helped me to come close.

but this weekend was about expressing what i truly wanted to
without any limits.
and I tell you, it was challenging as a mofo!
it was difficult for me to get away from trying to paint the perfect picture or
trying to arrive at some definitive end-product,
even though our teachers explained that this was not what the
creative process is about.

still, slowly but surely, i began to understand...
respecting one's creative process is not about trying to create some image or product.
it's about letting your insides move your brush on paper (or whatever instrument) in whatever shape or form.
and you have to learn to let go of judgement.
you have to learn to let go of seeing what you've just transferred onto paper as good or bad, ugly
or that it means something about who you are.
you have to simply accept it, whether it "fits" on the page or is in alignment with who you think you are.
what you end up painting is there because it's a part of you.
it's something inside of you that simply wants to be expressed.
that's it. that' s all.

in a way, it kind of reminds me of friendship.
it's about accepting another unconditionally,
allowing people to be.
and if this friend has hangups (like all of us do), it's about allowing that friend to grow and be
who they are supposed to be.
only this time, with the creative process, it's about letting you be you
...unconditionally.

(got more to say, but will continue later)

11:34p

twilight run
feeling a little brain dead right now, but healthy.
I worked out right when I got home.
'changed quickly into my shorts, tank top and running shoes
and ran around the neighborhood
in the darkness for a good 15-20 minutes.

surprisingly, my run in the dark was quite peaceful.
I wasn't scared at all.
I simply let the streetlights guide me on my way.

I passed by a nice lady in her wheelchair at the nearby
shopping complex who yelled out, "good for you".
Somehow, those words had more meaning coming from her.
A sudden burst of energy ran through my body and
I was motivated to run another 26 miles
...thanks to her.

as i was nearing my street, I was greeted by
a beautiful crescent moon.
my mom would always tell me to dust off my pockets, purse...anything that holds money
whenever I see the moon this way.
apparently, it will bring good fortune.
silly me forgot to do it this time.
the beautiful crescent moon was fortune enough.

near the end of my run, it dawned on me
that I didn't have a chance to enjoy the beautiful, hot
San Francisco day at all
since I was stuck at my desk.
I decided to prolong my date with the night and
did my stretching outdoors -
right outside my house.

somehow i stopped regretting having missed my day in the sunshine.
With the beautiful, temperate weather still lingering in the air,
the darkness did just fine.

BELATED HAPPY BLOG-AVERSARY TO MY BLOG!!!!
First entry posted on 10/24/2002

7:11a

what the hell am I doing up?
yes, I am up.
this is unusual for me...for anyone, for that matter, to be up so freakin' early.
'couldn't sleep any more because our decrepit, old bed
left my lower back all twisted in knots.
it was sore like hell!
'figured I might as well get an early start on my day.

the ironic thing is, I was having the nicest dream about being in italy!
It was simply beautiful.
For some reason our spa flew all of us employees
to work and vacation at our Italian headquarters.
We don't really have an italian spa, but it was a nice touch to the dream.

Anyway, the nicest thing about it all was that
my cousin, Chi Chi, and her husband, Blake,
were vacationing with me!

That's it. No more interruptions in my dreams. I'm gonna look for a new bed today.

it's like riding your bike all day around the neighborhood with your best friend
thank goodness we weren't running on the schedule that
my bf planned the night before.
a kink in my bf's neck threw a wrench in all his planning.
luckily for us, it turned out to be one of the nicest days together.

poor bf....hahahaha...
he woke up with a stiff neck. it was his left side.
ironically, i kinked the same side of my neck two days earlier
from trying a PNF stretch.
It's this stretch that I always, always recommend to my clients
where you contract the muscle you are stretching for a few seconds
and then stretch it out.
Theoretically, you will release the tension more effectively when doing it this way.
Ironically for me, my stupid neck simply locked up.
ai yah!!!
Anyhow, my bf said I was contagious and blamed me unsuccessfully for his new "ailment".
hahahaha....silly rabbit! (...tricks are for kids!)

After using my massage skills to help ease the pain temporarily,
we both headed off to McDonald's for breakfast.
By this time it was already 10am and, according to his "schedule",
we were already 2 hours behind. hehehe.
After waiting almost 15 minutes to get our order (poor management I tell ya),
we sat down to our very unhealthy yet filling breakfast of O.J., egg bacon and cheese bagel,
big breakfast and hashbrowns. And as usual, my bf got 2 of those - hashbrowns that is.

We walked away ready to tackle our first stop: our neighborhood hardware store.
for months...I think it's actually been a year already...our faucet in our
first bathroom has been out of commission, since it leaked like crazy.
The whole shopping experience for our new faucet was quick and fun, plus
we got some of the best help around!
That's why I love this little hardware store in our neighborhood.
It's been here since I started living here back in 1975.
It's super personable...they take the time to make you feel like they really want you to succeed
in your home improvement products.
Heck, they even told us to call them if we get stuck in the middle of our installation process!
I actually did call them, too. They were so helpful even on the phone.

Happy with our purchase, we headed off to stop #2: Borders.
While the bf looked for his photography books,
I sat and read the new Michael Moore book, Dude, Where's My Country?.
I could not put the book down for the life of me!
It was hilarious, in-your-face critical, and a down-right great read.
I highly recommend it.
Since the bf didn't want to spend $75 on this photography book he
wanted, we opted instead to go to a cheaper option: the library.

I love our library.
It's probably one of the nicest in the Bay Area.
Of course, it used to be pretty ghetto when
I was growing up here, but it has improved immensely.
I tried to look for the Michael Moore book, but as expected
they were all checked out - all 18 copies!
I opted instead for one of Ralph Nader's most recent books,
Crashing the Party - How to Tell the Truth and Still Run for President.
I actually saw it on sale the other day in the city for $5 but decided to
save my $5 for dinner.
It's written very differently than Michael Moore's book, but
I like what Nader has to say. I actually voted for him in the 2000 election.
Although I knew he wouldn't win, I did it to support the Green Party...so that they
would break the two-party system that we currently have.
And on a random note: his sister was my Anthropology Professor back in college.

We finally ended my bf's book search at this store that sells books at half price.
Remember that $75 book that my bf wanted back at Borders?
Well, they were selling it at this half price bookstore for $15!!!!!
Holy Crap!
I told my bf that it's like finding something you like at a garage sale for $2.
Now he understands. hopefully, he'll stop bugging me about going to so many of those.

We finally came home and read our books for a little while.
We used the $10 gift certificate that was given to us by our local
pizza place and ordered a large ground beef, onion and tomato pizza.
Can you believe it only cost us $6?
Only problem is, they were so cheap with the toppings. I could literally count
on one hand the amount of stuff that was on our pizza other than the crust, cheese and sauce.

Nevertheless, it filled our tummies and we went on with our day.
By that time I couldn't believe it was only 1p.
We accomplished so much in such a short time.
The rest of the day:
- we made a make-shift studio in our family room and took portraits of me and my hands for his photography class project
- I installed our new bathroom faucet all by myself (well, ok, the bf helped too. he held the faucet in place while I secured it.) (i felt so empowered...hehehe)
- After installing the faucet, i proceeded to day dream about all the other improvements I could make to the house, i.e. installing laminate flooring in our living room and master bedroom
- I researched water softeners to install in our home

By the end of the day, the bf and i both fell asleep on the couch watching TV.
We were so pooped!
If it weren't for my bf's bear-like snoring, I wouldn't have woken up to
move to the bed.
but we did. and we slept. even though we smelled like the day.
just like when we were kids, riding our bikes all day around the neighborhood.

11:21a

ahhh...
'though my back and shoulders are numb from all the tension,
'though my wrists are probably in pre-carpal tunnel state,
'though my eyes are probably red from staring at a monitor all day long...
my tummy is feeling yummy
cause of the cup of organic herbal mint tea I am partaking in.

simple pleasures. 'gotta love 'em

9:17p

amor
instinctively, i ran to be by her side as she sobbed,
just like she has always done for me since 4th grade.
How could I not?
From day 1, she has been nothing but supportive,
caring, understanding, forgiving, patient...
damn, that girl has so much patience.
She let me grow from my mistakes even though they were hurtful,
and never turned her back.
So, OF COURSE it was natural for me to make my way to her side
of the crowd without question or pause.
That was my sister.

needless to say, it was difficult to watch her
and her siblings call for their mother as her coffin was
slowly lowered into the ground.
The very instant it was lowered, all of them wailed together
and reached out their hands to her.
Suddenly, they were kids again, afraid to be left alone.
I started to pray for them...it was all I could do to keep from feeling so helpless.

But then, I was awaken from this hopelessness by one thought:
"How lucky this woman was to be loved so dearly by her children".
She must have been some kind of miracle worker
balancing love with discipline with them.
I'm relieved to know that it can be done.

I felt honored to share in such an important moment
in my friend's life.
As sad of a moment as it was,
taking part in it was yet another confirmation
of how indelibly etched we are into each other's lives.

9:15a

obstacle course
so I haven't quite committed myself to pursuing a marathon just yet.
but reading Nico's latest entry and the article that went with it,
just got me thinking a lot this morning about all the amazing people
out there who are able to pursue
incredible physical feats.
I suppose it takes tons of motivation and focus.

It would be really nice to be able to challenge my body some.
I'm actually pretty curious to realize my physical potential.
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of scared to find out.
Pain isn't really something anyone wants to struggle through.

It's funny, 'never really thought or desired to be anything except
healthy with my body.
Come to think of it, 'Never really tried to be a pro at tennis, volleyball, softball, flag football,
or basketball when I was younger.
In fact, out of all those sports, the only one that I actually tried to be better in was tennis.

I was motivated by the fact that my friend, J, (and tennis partner at the time) decided to
play with another partner, A (who was also another close friend of mine), on our high school tennis team.
They were more of the same abilities, so of course it made sense to me.

But the timing of her news was not so good.
She told me after we had lost our first game ever in our 1.5 seasons playing together.
The loss itself was already disappointing, but
her news was quite the reality check.

Although I completely agreed with her decision, I cried anyway.
dumb, dumb, dumb...'guess the feeling of rejection was too overpowering,
even though my mind was being practical in accepting the change.

Anyhow, I worked twice as hard the rest of that season.
I don't think there was really any room for me to play doubles with another partner.
All the spots had already been filled.
I was ok with that, though, because i kinda wanted a hand at playing singles.

It was great. I stayed after practice an extra hour everyday to work on my serve.
And though I didn't become super power-hitter "slicing up" the court,
I definitely improved my power and accuracy.
And apparently, I was pretty good on the court too. My coach
told me once that the coach from the opposing team we were playing
had told her that I did very well at covering the court. Naks! ;)

The really nice thing too was that my friend, A, would stay after with me sometimes to help. She was so
supportive of me. My favorite memory of those times was when
she would root me on (sometimes she would be the only one on the side line)
screaming her lungs out.
Man, that's love.

I guess there is hope for me then.
If I could improve on my abilities back in the day,
I guess it's not too late to try again.

Man, I miss those days in tennis.
I had such a blast with my teammates.
And you know, we even got this special certificate
because our team had an average gpa of 3.8!!!!
Ahhh...the little things.

fried rice with nicotene
isn't it awful when people just don't think?
I was sitting there, outdoors, on a beautiful San Francisco day,
enjoying my fried rice and egg roll
when a lady sits at the table next to me
and begins to puff her cancer stick
....right there...amidst the 10 or so tables
of people enjoying their noon-time meal.

how insensitive I tell you! Just plain IGNORANT!

hello???
'ever heard of second hand smoke, lady?
thanks a lot for failing to think of others' lungs and lifespans
just so you could satisfy your craving by taking a hit of your
damn cancer stick!

don't get me wrong. I'm a firm believer in
the whole "live and let live" idea.
but dammit, when you risk my life in addition to yours,
that's where i draw the line.

hope she enjoyed her nicotene-tasting Chinese food.

it's as if fate was listening
believe it or not, I'm run/walking in my first marathon.
it's only a 5k, but a "marathon" nonetheless.
I'm pretty excited about it.
my friends just talked me into signing up yesterday.
I now only have 2 weeks to raise $250.

I'm happy to be participating for so many reasons.
First, my teammates and I will be running to raise funds for
My Sister's House-- "the first and only agency to specifically serve the needs of Asian and
Pacific Islander women and children impacted by domestic violence in
Sacramento".
While I have never been affected by DV,
I understand how taboo it is to speak of domestic violence in
the API culture. It's not something that is
seriously addressed or understood.

I remember when I visited the PI's at 9 years old.
We were in my mom's province, Bicol area, outdoors during a religious festival.
All of a sudden, from nowhere I saw this man chasing after
a woman, ready to hit her with a heavy board.
The woman was terrified and screaming.
ANd the saddest part was that there were tons of people around,
looking outside their windows and doors.
Yet no one was brave enough to help the woman.

Perhaps the saddest thing about D.V. is the root of its existence:
stereotypical views of women, which is deeply ingrained in
and perpetuated by our different cultures.
This is my own understanding, of course, but i'm sure it is not far from the truth.

Anyhow, as I mentioned, I'll be running with a team of people -
some of my closest friends - so that's definitely a plus.
later on in the evening we'll be doing yet another "marathon"
...we'll be watching as many episodes as we can of the Sex & the City series.

Well, with only a couple of weeks away, I figure I should probably get in
some workouts. I kinda want to run it, but since most of my friends are
walking, it'll be kinda nice to be with them the whole way.
Maybe we could agree to do a combination of running one mile, then
walking another, etc.
That's what I'm used to anyway when I run/walk around my neighborhood.

The funny thing is, that same day that I signed up,
I got yet another e-mail about another marathon.
A friend of mine who lives in Virginia will be running a real 26.2-mile
marathon in memory of her mother who died of a brain tumor.
She will be raising funds for an organization who does research on the disease.

I almost cried when I read her e-mail.
It was such a heartfelt message.
And her e-mail started out with,
"If you are receiving this email you have made your mark on my life in
a meaningful way. I'd like to share a little bit about the woman
who left the most indelible one of all..."
GAWD! If I wasn't at work, I swear I would've bawled my eyes out.

Anyhow, it's kinda funny how all of these ideas I've had in my head
about running a marathon
have pretty much manifested themselves in these events.
I guess I should really start thinking about this more seriously.
We'll see...

Til Next time.

P.S. As I mentioned earlier, me and my 2 other friends have a goal to raise a minimum of $250 for the organization we are run/walking for on November 2nd. If you would like to contribute any amount at all, please drop me a tag in my tagboard or a comment below. Thanks so much!

3:29p

I can shake my head all day long in disbelief
it's day 2 since J told me and i still cannot fathom what happened to
her mother.
J is one of my best friends from elementary school.
We've known eachother for well over 20 years and
I've come to know her family as well.

J's mom passed away last monday.
She went into the hospital for a simple by-pass surgery.
Only one of her arteries was blocked.
Unfortunately, her doctors by-passed the wrong artery
and when they went in to fix it, J's mother's heart
was too weak to maintain normal blood pressure.

She passed away because these idiots
weren't paying attention. They weren't doing what they are paid the big bucks to do.
Sure, I see it on E.R. all the time how doctors make mistakes.
But dammit, it's never just when it's a mistake like this.

J's mom was the center of her family.
She was vibrant, strong and energetic.
There was absolutely no reason in the world
why she couldn't recover from this.
But her chances were literally shut down when the doctors left her
with a recovering bypassed artery that was perfectly healthy in the first place
AND
a blocked artery that was still intact.
I can only imagine the extraordinary feeling of frustration and
anger that is going through her family's hearts.

If you are reading out there, kindly send them your prayers
and good vibes. And please put a good one in for their mother,
AMOR ROBILLO.
Because of her, I got to grow up with and be taken care of by
one of the best friends in the world
whom she raised to be just like her.

block party
last night my bf and I went to his cousin's town house to hang out.
all i really expected was to just kick back
and catch up, especially since his other cousin,
who just moved back from the midwest,
was going to be there.

how strange it was to find that some rich dude
on the other section of his complex
held this block party complete with...get this:
36 gallons of Baskin Robbins ice cream,
a gazillion boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts,
10 coolers full of soda, beer, water,
15 or so tall cocktail tables for folks to kick back at,
access to the pool/hot tub area of the complex,
a d.j.
AND a live band!!!!
somebody had the paper for this gig!

the nice thing was that the host opened up the party to
the entire townhouse complex.
so, the 5 of us indulged on ice cream, lolipops,
bottles of h2o and a little time on the dance floor.

no more sweat lodge
i'm surprised that i was able to last through that evening,
since me and the bf's day was consumed with
cleaning up the front yard and our hideous garage.

for months our garage walls, ceilings
and everything in between has become
infested with...no, not spiders and cobwebs...
CLOTHES LINT!
Strange, but true.
The "exhaust pipe" to our dryer was punctured
some 10 or so months ago,
so all of the heat and lint that
comes out of the dryer has turned our garage into
a little sweat lodge complete with disgusting "insulation",
which drapes over everything and looks like thick, icky cobwebs.

the sad thing was, if we had checked the stupid pipe
earlier than say, 12 months later, we would've
found that the pipe was simply dislodged from the damn dryer!
(I don't think I'm ready to be a homeowner...ever.)

good morning!
'got up around 10:30a...was awakened by the phone.
my girfriend, R, needed help finding cheap parking locations in the city.
after hanging up, I rolled over in bed and unsuccessfully tried to
start a conversation with the bf.
too bad SOMEONE needed more shut eye.
hmmm...'wonder if he's just trying to avoid our garage-cleaning
date for today.

I'm just happy that my arms and hands aren't sore from my
massage sessions with good friends last night.
I don't think I was paying enough attention to my body mechanics
since I was so focused on working out all of the tension
in their bodies. I was so determined!

Anyway, our conversation afterwards got me thinking more
and more about running in a marathon.
I was actually inspired earlier this week from one of my
massage clients at the spa.
She is part of "Team in Training" to run the breast cancer
marathon in Chicago this weekend.
I was all excited when she told me that once you sign up,
they guarantee that you will finish the race no matter
where you are in the athletic ability spectrum.

I thought about the significance of the whole thing.
Seriously, why the hell would I want to subject myself to
something so physically demanding????
Somehow, though, it made sense.
In spite of my current non-athletic state,
I love playing sports.
I was on all kinds of sports teams in elementary, jr. high and high school.
I KNOW my body will remember how to move like an athlete.
I just have to re-train it.

Besides, I've secretly been feeling this need to accomplish
a physical feat. For years I've tried to lose weight and exercise,
only to be beaten down by own lack of will-power and discipline.
Perhaps the training part of the marathon will enable me to
finally LEARN those values.

Most importantly, I need to use it before I lose it...
my body, that is.
I've always felt ashamed that, as a generally healthy person,
I don't maintain/improve upon my physical abilities
when so many people out there can't.
At least this time, along with accomplishing something for myself,
I can use my physical abilities in support of others.

wow...this all seems fine and dandy in my head.
trust me, it always does.
At least I'm motivated again to do something healthy with my body
and my spirit.
Inspiration is priceless!

Liz C. on Saturday Night Live
the season premier of SNL was on last weekend.
I taped the show cause John Mayer was performing.
And who did me and the bf ALSO catch on tape?
LIZ!!
HELLOOOO!!! we had to rewind the tape at least 5 times
to see if that was really her.
And it was!

She was in the background for one of the skits.
Me and the bf were trippin' for a good hour after seeing her.
Hopefully our aspiring actress friend will become a working actress
in New York sooner than later.
Good luck, Liz!

Lunch break ramblings
just finished eating my mongo and rice
cooked by yours truly and reading through people's blogs.
'made me reflect on what's been going on with me lately...

it's been sort of a wierd 3 weeks.
'haven't been blogging regularly,
'haven't been working out regularly...
it's been kinda ho hum in my little corner of existence.
well, not completely - just with the direction of things.

'been thinking about asserting some career decisions,
but I'm still waiting things out.
I'm trying to figure out how to contribute to the solution
of things before making a move.
'feeling very stagnant right now as a result, though.

otherwise, i'm ok.
it's nice to be able to just live.
do what i want, when i want.
'don't have many time restrictions except for work.

're-connected with my ex-co-workers on Wednesday night
over some wine, butternut squash lasagne and almond torte
for dessert.
Once again, our conversations inspired me
and brought a little more life into
the stagnant social justice activist in me.

'also hear word from the blood tests I took for
my yearly physical.
Technically, all is well.
I should lose a few pounds and eat healthier, but
other than that, I'm ok.

Too bad lab tests couldn't tell you the state of your muscles
cause I know the majority of mine are all twisted up in knots.
hehehe...could you imagine if lab tests could tell that?
Maybe then massage could be paid for by insurance and
massage can finally be seen as a necessity rather than a luxury.

dammit, i could sure use a massage right now!

'been also sticking to my budget more closely.
'only went over by $5 on one of my line items this week.
that's most definitely an improvement considering that I usually
overspend by a hundred a week!

uh oh...i'm craving a pepsi. 'better head to the store before my
hour lunch is over.

til next time...

5:33p

I can't believe my ass is still here sitting at my chair at work.
speaking of which, things have definitely gotten better
with my challenges here.
I feel like I'm in a better groove with my workload especially.
I'm using that MS Outlook like its my lungs now.

Once again, i didn't take my hour break for lunch.
I dunno what's gotten into me.
'must not be getting enough endorphins circulating through my
veins cause I'm usually ready by 10a to have lunch!

Anyhow, 'better head off now.
Gotta go pick up some bread and soda
for my monthly dinner with my ex-co-workers.
I can't wait to have some of my friend's yummy butternut squash'
lasagne!

til later...

jelllooo
feeling like a blob.
been consuming too much carbs again.
damn that fresh-baked french loaf at Albertson's!
why does it have to taste so good with
olive oil, balsamic vinegar and garlic?
curses!

worked two days without taking a lunch break.
bad news.
I really need to get out of that habit.
I know my body needs a break from it.

At least I finally got a client at the spa tonight.
It's been 4 weeks!
Thankfully, this client was one of the good people.
It's what makes massage therapy so rewarding.
Also got a chance to shoot the shit with my colleagues.
It's been sooooo long since I've talked with them.
I realize that connecting with them helps make
that space become more like home.

helllooooo!
not sure how to begin this blog except...halleluah, I'm back!
I'm currently waiting for my bf to come home from his dinner
with his photography friends.
I went to the gym and got back just a little while ago..around 11p.
of course, it took me 2 hours of lollygagging in front of the TV
before I finally my ass off of the couch and into my car
to make my way to the lovely EFX machine and treadmill.

I hate it when i get sucked in to shows!
This time it was "Camp Jim" & "True Life - Urban Cheerleaders" on MTV,
some special on Whitney Houston & a show about single female celebs
on VH1 with frequent channel changes to The Food Network for
this special on SPAM....amazing the things that intrigue me!

some wonderful things
this week was actually a pretty darned good one.
it started off with sat....
'got a last minute call from Bob telling me that El had to cancel
her session with me.
It was totally cool...even though I wondered what happened.
Did they have a fight?
Was there some kind of drama going on?

Little did I know that the woman was in the first stages of labor!
yes, L-A-B-O-R!!!

Sure enough, little Ryan popped out the following Monday.
GAWD! Just check out his pics (and bob's blog)...i swear, it gets me so veklempt!...
and Lu's version of events.
CONGRATS MAMA EL & PAPA BOB!!!!
WELCOME TO THE WORLD, LITTLE RYAN!!!

The rest of that Saturday turned out just as great.
Me and the bf headed out to Marin Headlands so he could take pictures.
It's been a while since he's been out shooting and this
was the perfect day to do it.

In fact, it was a perfect day for a wedding at the beach.
No, we didn't have one, but this other lovely couple
were in the middle of their ceremony just as we pulled up
in my bf's car.
Of course, highly excitable me tried to get as close to the ceremony as possible.
It was a Mexican/Spanish themed affair...
all the guests had mariachi's,
the groom wore a long sleeve Guyaverra (looks like a barong, but thicker),
the groomsmen wore short sleeved dark green Guyaverra's,
and the bridesmaids wore traditional mexican dresses with red shawls.

We also made our way farther south on the beach this time
and were amazed to find some of the most beautiful things around.
We saw one of the most amazing sunsets while standing on top of
a beautiful rock on the beach.
To our surprise, this rock was inhabited by HUNDREDS of mussels,
a few sea sponges and a couple of star fish.
Seriously, if I had a bucket, me and the bf could've fixed ourselves
some seafood paella that night!
Instead, we headed to Pluto's on Scott Street in the Marina and pigged
out on huge salads, stuffing, sauteed mushrooms, a turkey sandwich and
garlic fries.
yum.
'twas a very unplanned yet amazing day. ;)

this week
it started off with a call from my girl, R, on Friday at 4p.
R: "Girlfriend, guess who I saw in the Us Weekly magazine on page 30?"
Me: "Who?"
R: "LEN " (our friend the creator/director of "Underworld")

...so what was my mission for the remainder of that Friday evening?
Yup, you guessed it.
One grocery store, two major book stores and a magazine rack at Target later
led me to a copy of the damn magazine.
And since it was an old issue, I grabbed a few extra for some of my girlfriends, just in case.

Um, hello?
The boy who taught me how to peg my pants back in 7th grade
is NO boy any longer!!!
Plus, his oh so stylish mullet from back in the day
was finally laid to rest.
blessings! blessings!
He and Kate Beckinsale are just wayyy too beautiful a couple.

That was friday.

Sunday was even better.
'crashed one of my oldest girlfriend's wedding at this Walnut Creek
golf course.
Oh...it was perfect! simply beautiful!
and even better, I got to play with my other girfriend's (J) daughters.
I hope i get to see them grow up.
they remind me so much of J when we were growing up.

And the best part of all,
I got to spend the day with Cyn, my party-crasher partner.
And last minute at that!
As much as I whine about living in the burbs sometimes,
nothing beats moving back in the house I grew up in
with the same close friends of mine
living just minutes away.
And this time, I can actually go out and see them any time I want -
not like when I was younger (since my parents were so strict about me
going out).
Once I get this itch to live outside of California scratched,
i can see myself settling here, in this same neighborhood I grew up in,
with my own family.

i want to be a "teetser"
while getting my blood sucked out of me into three viles at the hospital lab this morning,
my random thought process led me to a remarkable epiphany:
I want to become an educator.

Here's how my random thought process went as the Pinay Phlebotomist
drained my veins:
- "uh oh, here comes the needle"...
- "oh, i barely felt a thing"...
- "damn, I can't believe I still had to pay a $5 co-pay for this lab test"...
- "I should really look into Blue Cross/Blue Shield"...
- "I'm glad we have a local hospital that has a well-developed maternity program"...
-"I'd want to give birth there, esp. since they have midwives and doulas like El said"...
-"It sucks how pre-natal care is not easily accessible to underserved/low income communities.."
- "I'd want to set up a program like that to provide free & accessible education to those communities"...
- "Maybe I could use my background in massage therapy..."
(by now - 2 min. later - the Pinay Phlebotomist had completely filled all three viles and bid me a nice day)

dunno if it's cause i'd been fasting for over twelve hours
for this blood test,
or because of my conversation with El about health care plans & Doulas,
or because of the insightful words B filled my head with last night,
but
somehow that epiphany made so much sense.
it's that one thing I have been looking for to invest my life in...the thing
that will allow me to be an effective resource in the community,
which is a value that has been central to everything I am about.
*sigh*

it's nice to have a little direction.

quality time
it's always cool to get that random phone call from my brother
asking if he can come over to hang out since he is in the area.
so what did we do when he arrived?...'WATCHED the lineup of shows for Tuesday night.
Most of them were season premieres. Comedies.

We started out with "8 Simple Rules". I wanted to catch the speech

arrrgggg!

dammit...I hate it when I type up a blog entry
and then accidentally erasing it!

back to work...sort of
went to work half day today because i had my physical exam.
it's good to schedule these things in the afternon
cause then I have an excuse to only work half the day.
'not going into the spa tonight either, thank goodness.

'had lunch at Pasta Pomodoro after my exam and
totally pigged out.
I even had dessert this time: panna cotta with strawberries.
yum.
'made a list of things i need to accomplish with my
free afternoon.
'was home yesterday recuperating from the dehydration
on sunday, so 'didn't really do much.
especially since it was super hot.

'thank goodness the weather has cooled down.
I am sooooo over the sun and heat waves.
This afternoon when i got into my hot car
to drive to my appointment,
i literally gagged from the stupid heat.
I think i'm finally ready for fall.
Shit...make it winter - bring the cold on!

shoulda, coulda, will...do next time
I should've taken the opportunity that i had today.
It sucks when you do not feel safe to say the things
in your mind because you know others have already
assumed all these things about you
based on what they have seen - with no feedback from you.

why do people do that?

why are people so egoistic and arrogant to think
that they know you just because of a), b), c)????

I guess it's wrong of me to assume that even the nicest,
smartest people around have all the necessary
skills to communicate effectively with others.

effectiveness.

heh....that word makes me laugh.

effectiveness = being a good communicator = giving constructive criticism, not just the negative stuff

effectiveness (as a leader) = letting your team mates in on your future plans with your goals and creating buy-in by including the feedback of the team

effectivess (as a leader) = acknowledging and remembering the strengths and assets that each team member brings

effectiveness (as a leader) = giving your team members space to grow and providing guidance towards goals

sheeeit....even I know these basics....and I don't even have an advanced degree!
*shakes head*

thank goodness I remember what I am made of
and that I let no one bring me down.

a star-studded weekend
(or, as El would call it, "My Star Stalker Weekend")
i don't even know where to begin except to say that i am STILL
on cloud 9 from seeing Roger and Andy Taylor of Duran Duran up close.
YES, UP CLOSE!

I'm telling you, it was all in the cards...
* If I hadn't chosen to go pee before getting in line to buy a D2 -shirt after the concert
* If me and the bf didn't take the longer route to get back to the parking garage
* If I didn't have to pee a second time near the back stage area

...I wouldn't have been part of a small herd of 30-40 year old women
that actually ran to and caught up with the van that was driving Andy and Roger Taylor!!!!!

Lucky for us, they were at a stop, so we surrounded the van and completely regressed to our
teeny bopper days, waving and screaming at them...oh my gawd, we were all INSANE!!!!
They were nice enough to appease us by waving back.
Although, Roger kinda gave us this goofy wave at one point.
I don't blame him, we all musta looked pretty stupid in our fanatic state...'kinda like
monkies in a zoo! ;)

But I swear, after that AND the awesome performance they gave, 'couldn't help
but feel like I coulda died right there. Life was complete. (I'm such a dork!)

baking like a lechon for 4 hours was worth it
so we started our sunday waiting in line to get into Sharon Meadows at Golden
Gate Park. We were waiting a good couple of hours and
befriended a couple of really cool folks, Nikki and Anthony
(aka Talula and Sven)...they were hilarious to hang out with!

It was pretty amazing to see all these 30-50 year olds,
some wearing vintage Duran Duran t-shirts and one lady
even had the satin D2 jacket (which I wanted more than
food back in the day), all together in one spot.
I forget that D2 is 20 years older (probably now in their late 40's),
so of course their fans are older.

We eventually got inside and laid our towels on the green grass.
It was a beautiful, perfect day.
Not a cloud was in site.
There was also no shade to take refuge in, so we slathered on
the sunscreen.

They started the show pretty quickly with Maroon 5.
AMAZING!
I love listening to them live. The lead singer's voice is
just as good.
Me and the BF were totally into their music.

Unfortunately, while waiting for the next performer, Liz Phair,
the onset of dehydration began.
My poor bf was getting a headache and just looking miserable.
And while I was walking around to find shade, i felt like throwing up
the delicious bratwurst I had inhaled earlier.
Me and the bf were in this state for a good 2 hours while
trying to rehydrate with as many bottles of water as possible.

Luckily, by the time Seal performed,
there were these two women that rudely stood in front of us.
It actually worked to our advantage, though, as we used them for shade.
If it weren't for them, I don't know how I would've gotten my body temperature down.
'Also doused my hair with some water to cool down a bit more so that by the time
it was Duran Duran's turn to take center stage,
I was ready to get up and go craZY.

And that I did.

still the best concert experience ever
the hysteria that is Duran Duran glided on stage as if
no time had passed.
and damn, THEY LOOKED GOOD!!!!
Still rockstars in their more debonaire duds.

And for all you John Taylor fans, may I say that the man
has aged quite well, to say the least.
In other words..HOT...that man is HOT!
*shakes head*

And I guess it's cause I'm older
and can appreciate more than just them looking hot,
but damn that Andy Taylor can strum a guitar!
He rocks!
All of them were on fire. 'Still haven't lost the magic,
cause everyone was on their feet screaming and
rocking to the music AND singing the words!!!
I felt like I was getting a taste of what the whole
Beattle-mania thing is all about.

I honestly cannot remember what song they started out with,
but the whole performance was amazing.
I'm surprised i didn't lose my voice, cause I couldn't stop screaming.

Looking out into the crowd, I could just feeel the love.
All these people were just as crazy about them as me
and dammit, it was great to be among their company,
especially those even crazier girls that chased Roger and Andy's van
with me, not caring about getting hit by cars passing.
My poor bf just ran after me in support. He got a good glimps of them too.
hehehe...I just remember hearing one of the women's boyfriends going,
"hey, watch out for the cars!" Of course, none of us listened.

Oh and of course, I can't leave out that
there were 4 or 5 women that got up on people's shoulders
and waved their naked breasts all for the band.
Needless to say, that was a treat for the bf.
It was funny looking at John and Simon's faces, though,
while this was going on. You could tell that it was difficult to concentrate.
But hello? they were the ones that asked for it.
Those guys...'still haven't lost their sense of humor or stage power...even in their late 40's.
My bf was quite impressed.


surreal
When all was said and done, my dehydrated, charred like bbq ass was
beside herself with complete excitement and amazement.
I'm telling you, there has yet to be a concert experience as great as these
couple of Duran Duran concerts that I've been to (my first one being in 1984).
Mayvbe it's because I'm such a fanatic, but whatever. Whatever moves me, moves me.

I still cannot believe that I had the opportunity to see them live again.
It's a bit surreal, especially since all of this time has passed.
If someone told me back in 5th grade that i would watch them perform again
in 18 years AND see Roger and Andy Taylor up close, i seriously would not believe them.

What's even more cool is how your spirit remembers so much about that time when prompted...
*somehow the words to their songs that you thought were buried in your memory banks spill out as you
hear them play,
*your heart pounds when you see them
*you instinctively yell and scream and act like a complete nut AND run after their van
in the middle of traffic, so you can yell and scream and act like a complete nut
in front of their face.
*shakes head*
ai yah!

But to still be able to appreciate their music (albeit with different ears and a little more maturity),
is a pretty awesome thing.
Seeing them yesterday and listening to this digitally enhanced Rio album that my
girl, R, gave me on Sat as a gift,
I realize that these guys were and still are talented, talented musicians.
I was able to watch three of their old videos from this CD (Hungry Like the Wolf, Save a Prayer, and Rio)
and you know, they really were pioneers of the music video, too!
I could seriously go on and on for hours about it.
I'm just feelin' pretty lucky that I was swept up in the whole D2 craze...surreal, but
amazing to be part of that time in history.
And dammit, the whole thing just keeps me feeling young at heart...that's the best part of all!!!

my star-studded weekend part II
(or as El would call it, "My Star Stalker Weekend" Part II)

as incredibly crazy as I am about the men of Duran Duran,
I was lucky enough to spend time with the true
stars of my weekend: E&B, C&A, C, R and the bf.
We all got together (minus R - but I spent time with her later in the evening)to watch our friend Len's big screen directorial debut in "Underworld".
I was quite surprised that our gathering worked out as planned
until Friday when everything just came together.

I was so excited to see all of them in front of the theaters on Satursday morning.
Although I thought we were early, me and the bf were actually the laggers
of the group.
It was probably the first time we had seen a movie together
since 8th grade when
we watched "Some Kind of Wonderful"
on one of our half days.
hehe...that was the only time I could sneak away to hang out with friends
outside of school.
It was like the sweetest "crime" back then since my parents were always so strict. ;)

Thank goodness we had a little bit of time before the movie
to catch up, which is always my fav. part.
I was still shocked that E (who is supposed to be on a doctor-ordered bedrest)
was sitting next to me telling me about her wooden floors.
Thankfully, the little guy inside her tummy didn't pop out to say hello.
Damn, that's love.

from suburbia to suburbia
watching the movie was purely inspirational and awe inspiring.
although the critic's reviews of the movie were not the best
(trust me, i think i've read them all)
Len did an amazing, amazing job!
I mean, seriously,
how often does an almost unknown director get backing
from Sony pictures for the first screenplay he has ever written?
AND, get Kate Beckinsale to play in the lead?
Inspiring.

Throughout the movie, I could not help but think
damn, Len went from writing skits for spirit week at our suburban high school
to directing a hollywood film
that I was sitting there watching
in our suburban movie theater.
I guess it's true what they say: "The more things
change, the more they stay the same".

And to top off the whole experience,
I spoke with J later that day, one of Len's closest friends, who told me
that he relayed our congratulations and best wishes to
him the day before.
Apparently, he caught Len on his cell phone
just as he was about to sneak into a movie theater in
London to catch the audience's reaction of his movie,
so Len was not able to talk long.
However, Len relayed his appreciation for our well-wishes
and that just made the whole experience worth it.

just when i thought the day couldn't get any better
a brief check-in about the movie and 15-mins worth of goodbyes later,
me and C were able to spend some more quality time over lunch.

This woman has been inspiring me since 7th grade when i first met her,
and our conversation over Japanese food that afternoon was no different.
I've always been amazed at the similar paths we walk/perspectives
we have even though
we rarely ever see eachother.

As usual, she gave me a lot to take home and think about
and help me in my many confusions over things.
It was also nice catching up with her life.
I learned so much.
Spending time with her and the rest of the ladies was seriously
a breath of fresh air!!!!

And of course, I HAD to have my very own movie
review/check-in with E over the phone.
Cause there is wayyy too much goin' on her hilarious noggin' to pass up
an opportunity to hear it for yourself.
And as usual, I was not disappointed.
The woman left me in stitches all through my drive to the city where I
met with my girl, R, for our wedding reception "date" later that evening.
And, hello? She also surprised me with...no, not a corsage for our "date"....
even better: A digitally enhanced CD of Duran Duran's album, RIO!

What the hell did I do to deserve such an awesome time this weekend?

All i can say is, my heart and soul is F U L L.

oh HELLLL NO!

as it so happens, I was right.
the 10p show that I thought was about
my friend, Len's, movie wasn't it.
'shoulda paid more attention to the title of the show:
"Fang Vs. Fiction: The Real Underworld of Vampires".

hehe....there's no wayyy I'm hangin' out for an hour to watch
the history of these ghoulish creatures.
It's bad enough that I'm gonna watch "Underworld"
when I am theee biggest scaredy cat in the world.

There's enough scary images lurking in my mind already.
There's really no need to fill it up with more, but
you know, since it isn't everyday that one
actually went to school with and knows
a Hollywood movie director, I might
as well suck it in and watch the movie anyway.

damn...the things we do for people.

when all else fails, check tv guide
So i did.
and the show I'm trying to watch is on tomorrow at 4:30p on BET:
"Movie Special: Underworld".
'better get my VCR ready.
unless....I call in sick tomorrow? ;)

9:01p

current stats: full from food (again...this time Carl's Jr. burger & fries), feeling un-fresh from the onions I ate, excited but worried that the show I'm waiting to watch isn't really the making of Underworld movie like I thought, feeling itchy, and happy to be blogging to the new John Mayer album - btw, it's another awesome work of art!

'can't believe I haven't mentioned him yet
speaking of John Mayer's new album,
there's a couple of songs that I've been
really diggin' on lateley:
"Bigger Than My Body" - cause of the writing and the meaning
"New Deep" - cause of the melody and the writing
"Split Screen Sadness" - cause the melody floats in my head 24/7

The album cover is just as creative as the
writing. You gotta check it out for yourself.
It's very John Mayer-esque.
It's not just some pretty catchy design.

blah
I'm in a state of blah.
Not the bad kind of blah.
Not the good kind of blah (if there even is such a thing).
I'm just...blah.

I think I've been inhalinh too many carbs again.
That usually does it - that, and not enough cardio.
It's not like a painful feeling.
It's more of a mind-numbing sensation.

I'm not worried.
I just need a litte more oxygen.

But aside from that,
it was quite the treat to actually engage in a deep conversation today.
I was about 15 minutes away from the end of my work day
when my friend from LA LA land AIMed me.
Funny. I was just thinking of him earlier today, too.

He's someone that's been going through the same
intense
worry-wart kind of episodes that I've been having.
And though his worries revolve around different things,
it all comes from the same place as my own "stuff".

Come to think of it,
I don't think I've been so wrapped up in "things"
as I am now.
Or maybe i just can't remember.
I must admit, though, that I haven't been on the roller
coaster as much as before.
Either I've given in or just given up.
Either way, I'm ok with where I am.
It's better than feeling like throwing up everyday!

And so the question remains: what the hell do I do next?
'been asking myself that for years.
I've gotten an answer a couple of times
but for the most part, the answer eludes me.
Seriously, it's so much easier when a rock hits you on the head.
Maybe I'm just so used to that happening that i cannot
function without it.

Sometimes, I think it's probably just easier
for me to heed Mr. Mayer's words for a little while:

"New Deep" - John Mayer

I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
a night in my mind
so I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out
just how boring I am
and have a good time

cause ever since I've tried
trying not find
every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
with my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
talk is the same cheap
it's been

Is there a god?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd,
when he knows my address?
and look at the stars
Don't it remind you
just how feeble we are?
Will it used to I guess

cause ever since I've tried
trying not find
every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
with my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
talk is the same cheap
it's been

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne
and you wouldn't know me
if you're eyes were closed.
I know what you'll say
this won't last longer than the rest of the day.
But you're wrong this time.
You're wrong.

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing tonight

Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down
You know I used to be the back porch poet
with my book of lines
always open all the time
I'm probably
never gonna find the perfect line
for heavier things

11:40p

among the goats and fruit trees
as a kid, I always hated going out to my cousin's
house in the central valley.
it was more like a farm.
there was never anything to do.
no atari (hence, no centipede to keep me entertained).
no cable tv.
no malls
or stores to spend time in.
it was all just goats and acres and acres of fruit trees
and crops.
as a kid, it wasn't my idea of fun.

i guess i was always conditioned to think this way
based on my childhood experience.
hence, i always dreaded going to the central valley to
visit my relatives on my dad's side, even though
they are some of the nicest, loving, genuine and humblest people i've come to know...
even though all of them now live in the suburbian
part of the central valley, complete with video games, cable tv
and tons of malls.

it's a shame i never really got to know them because of my
inability to step out of my comfort zone more often to visit them
out there.

but then this saturday, surrounded by my family in the central valley,
celebrating one of my younger cousin's recent marriage and
soon-to-arrive baby girl,
i started a conversation with one of my older cousins
that i will never forget.
it all began with my question: "Did you know Amang (our lolo)?"

Ever since i can remember, i've always wished i grew up knowing my lolo & lola
from the way my dad has talked about them.
Dad always described Amang and Inang as humble, genuine, loving and down-to-earth parents
who were loved by everyone in their town.

How could they not?
Amang was one of the town's mailmen who made friend's with everyone and was
probably the town's best storyteller,
and Inang was one of the sweetest, gentlest women...a complement to
Amang's very sociable and outgoing personality.

My cousin described him in the same way
except he added aspects of Amang from his own experience
growing up with him.
Of all the cousins, he and his other brother and sister were the only
ones that really grew up knowing Amang and Inang because
they lived with them.

According to his story, Amang used to take him to cock fights - one of
Amang's hobbies. Apparently he knew his sport well and was considered
an expert by the rest of his competitors.
And Inang...she would always call upon my cousin to buy food at the market.
Apparently, my cousin went to the market for them so often that
he was the only one who knew where Inang kept her secret stash of money
in their basement.

I was soaking in every word my cousin was sharing.
And all I could think of was, "i can't believe I have missed
out on this conversation for so many years".
I was completely humbled by and appreciative of that moment.

Then for confirmation, I asked my cousin if Amang really
was the best story teller in town as my dad had described
a hundred times before.
What he said next almost brought tears to my eyes:
"Yeah, Amang was the best. Actually he and your dad were so much alike."

My cousin continued on:
"I remember when your dad would come home from Manila,
word would spread fast in the town and all the kids would
come to our house and wait for him to tell his stories. And your dad,
he loved talking about all the movies he watched in Manila, especially
the war movies. Those were his favorite......"

How amazing it was to find out that all this time
I really did get a chance to grow up knowing my
grandfather, Amang.

And how amazing it was to look around me and see
the very essence of who my grandparents were
and what they were about.

current stats: full from pho, happy to be away from work (at least for the next 12 hours), energized from drinking a chocolate milk tea from Quickly (apparently it is also popular in the PI's), feeling a little guilty about not having worked out yet, but happy to be decked out in my "pang-bahay" shorts & 2nd favorite t-shirt while typing out this blog in bed via bf's lap top. :)

the bitch that is monday
as usual, monday brought a wealth of case files to process & prioritize......
and of course another wonderful gift in the mail to get the week started
on the right foot: another rejected application from the INS.
trouble is, this is the second time this thing has been sent back.
'boy did this nice suprise get my gastric juices flowing for yet
another uldcer-inducing episode.
...I think my boss said it best when she arrived at 10 am
and saw this lovely package waiting for her,
"I wish this week was over already!!!!"

luckily, the rest of the super-busy day went off without a hitch.
gawd, i'm soooo praying that tomorrow the devil
doesn't roll out on his red carpet to fuck up the rest of my wweek.
for some reason, it always happens that way...tuesday...
the drama always gets worse on tuesdays.

12 hours of complete bliss
thank goodness my sunday treated me much too
well. better than i deserved.
i think i surpassed my all time record for lazying around...
try 12 hours of tv surfing on my living room couch...
and i wasn't even sick or was on doctor-ordered bed rest -
no excuse what-so-ever!

let's see... I caught quite the plethora of tv viewing pleasure.
'started off by taking turns watching football and Trading Spaces (about 3 episodes)
with the bf. May I say that Picture in Picture ("pip") is perhaps one of
man's greatest inventions. ;)

then, moved on to "Police Cops" on Animal Planet.
Found out that there actually exists obsessive/compulsive "animal collectors"....
people who have to have a gazillion pets. it's a disorder that is apparently commonplace.

The guy they featured had 150 cats living in filth and squalor in his home
because he could no longer support them, but did not have the heart
to give them up (all due to his disorder).
that's right, one-hundred-and-fifty!
He could have very easily had his first couple of cats "fixed"
to keep this overpopulation from happening.
but unfortunately, people with his disorder are unable to
have that kind of common sense.

The disgusting thing was, that near the end of the 8-hour
day that the humane society spent cleaning out
this house of 150 cats,
they discovered more as they made their way to the basement.
by the end of their 2-day stint at this man's home,
they cleaned out....250 cats (a few corpses, but most were alive)!!!
GAWD, what an awful, awful thing to have to get paid to do!
poor cats, too.

anyway, i was soon turned on to the Road Rules marathon on MTV.
I had to catch up, since the season finale is less than an hour away.
i told myself i'd at least do laundry, but just as i thought of that,
the Road Rules marathon was over and the PLanet of the Apes marathon
began.

I've always been intrigued by it because, for the life of me,
i never saw one Planet of the Apes movie from beginning to end.
And as it turns out, from the Planet of the Apes documentary that they
also showed, there are actually 6 Planet of the Apes movies!...yes,
5 sequels. Actually, the last 4 were actually prequels, even though they
didn't call it that.

unfortunately, all these years,
I have seen at least one or two scenes from all 6 of the movies.
but because I never saw any one movie from beginning to end,
I've always thought that there was only 1 movie.
see? 12 hours on the couch wasn't that unproductive or brain-numbing1 ;)

but most importantly, as I was flipping the channels, I discovered that they are going to show
the making of Underworld, my friend's movie, on AMC this Wednesday night
at 10p. I hope you're reading this, Ell.
As usual, i was jumping and screaming again cause I know i'll get to see Len
talking about his movie.
I'm totally excited.

They are also showing it on BET this Thursday night at...I forgot the time.

I didn't know i ate beef for dinner!
I wish i could say I was paying homage to the porcelain god
because i had one too many kamikaze shots
and a crazy night of partying.
but as luck would have it, I was merely suffering from
the worst headache known to man...all caused by
stiff neck and back muscles - my reward for working at a desk 40
hours a week.

I woke up around 2:30 Sat morning and tried to alleviate the pain
by stretching and massaging my neck and back.
but my body just wasn't havin' it.
the tightness was there to stay a little longer.

i decided to try to go back to sleep when
an overwhelming feeling came over me and forced me
to book my ass to the nearest toilet possible.

but as soon as I got there, i could barely bend down
to make a clear shot, when BAMMMM....
everything imaginable shot out of my mouth (and nose...ewww!)
like water rushing down Niagara falls (but grosser)

and because the distance between the source and
the end of my disgusting version of niagara falls was
too great,
guess what splashed back up all over my entire legs
and bathroom floor?
'wish the laws of physics didn't have to apply
so consistently sometimes. :(

at least i felt better after that and could go back to sleep.

new "photo-blogger"
it's really inspiring to watch someone grow from their
passions and inspirations.
now, the rest of the world can see and experience his journey with him.

another ulcer-inducing week survived!
where the hell do I begin?
my GAWD this week was a mix of hell and happines.
what's up with that?
*sigh*

'did really well this week with my workouts.
'worked out for 4 days straight:
Saturday - 40 min cardio & abs
Sunday - same
Monday - woke up at 5:30am yes, hard to believe,
and did 30 min cardio & abs
Tuesday - the official start of hell week...but I did a 15
min. jog around the neighborhood at 7am

I am proud of myself.
After 4 days of physical activity
I didn't crave anything.
'was totally satisfied just sitting there,
drinking my water and eating when
I needed to.
'Also felt great. 'didn't feel all shitty and heavy like usual.
also, realized that my emotional dependence on food
ceased.
(boy do i sound like a journal entry from a Jenny Craig participant)

'gonna continue the workout tomorrow morning and sunday
and will hopefully make it the whole week next week.

why does the devil like me so much?
so there I am, Tuesday morning, feeling like I'm on top of the world
cause my heart is actually beating normally.
I had, like, a gazillion times more energy to spare.
'had my day set, handled, scheduled it out just fine.

then, BAMMMMMM!
situations turned to shits again.
just when i thought i turned things around for myself.
just when i regained a new, fresh perspective from my
3-day weekend in LALA land..
someone flipped the switch when i wasn't looking.

'felt like SHIT all day on tuesday.
by the end of that day, I SWEAR i could feel an ulcer
developing.
my stomach was all in knots...I've never felt that sick in my life.
'ended my shitty day at about 8p at work.
THen came home and ended my day with a lovely conflict
with the bf. Thank goodness we communicate cause as
usual we were able to process stuff and come to a compromise.
at least i got to have lunch with my best friend, R...
the only ray of light in my day.

wednesday was no different.
'worked a little slower cause i didn't want to feel sick to my
stomach again.
This time, 'worked for almost 12 hours straight (from 7:30a-7:30p).
then, somehow by Thursday, things started to turn around for the better...
pretty ironic considering that it was the 2nd anniversary of the tragedy
of 9/11
and
the 32nd wedding anniversary of my parents.

'treated mom and dad to massages at the spa -
mom had a hot stone this time
and dad tried the thai massage.
both of them thoroughly enjoyed their treatments.
thank goodness for that cause
moms is a lot easier to deal with when she's relaxed.

then, the five of us: mom, dad, bro, the bf and me
had dinner at Cheesecake factory.
'saw the famous San Francisco twins.
'pigged out on their special Godiva chocolate
cheesecake....yum.
'came home full but happy to be able to spend time with everyone.

friday was just as great.
'was reunited with a friend i hadn't seen in 13 years
who i found out just works 1 block away from me.
'had lunch with close girlfriends
and found a way to get invited to one of their weddings.
I just wanna see the girl get married, that's all.
'don't care about the food or reception.
'just want to share in that part of her life,
especially since she's like a sister to me.

thank goodness the week turned out for the better.
'not sure if I can survive more of these ulcer-inducing weeks, but
at least I know I have survived this one.
there better be a damn reason for all of this, cause
it's definitely not a picnic!

8:31p

so much time...
so i did it.
My lazy ass actually woke up at 5:30a and made it to the
gym for 30 min of cardio, an ab workout and stretching (the whole body).
I felt great this morning.
and to top it off, I even had enough time to cook myself breakfast
and eat it: yummy oatmeal with peaches.

I got to work about 15 minutes late, but
it was all worth it
since I got to commute with my bf.
Of course, he slept the whole way on BART while I put on my make up
and planned my day, but
at least he was there next to me.

work was a crazy whirlwind!
whew! I was on my feet all day from making photocopies,
getting the mail, to rushing to do some last minute shopping
for my co-worker's baby shower gift (the shower was at lunch)
and preparing for the lunch time shower.

it turned out really nice.
it was great to meet my co-worker's wife, new baby and 2-yr old daughter.
they are such a nice family.
it was also just great to be able to socialize with my co-workers like that.
it's very rare that all of us get together to just hang out.
my other co-worker and i talked about how we should do this
at least once a month just so we all can create
a little more "community" in the office.

I was sad to go back to work but I had TONS of case files
and things to do on my Outlook "tasks" list.
The rest of the afternoon was pretty much all about me
running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
wow...my poor feet sure did get a work out.
they should really allow us to wear slippers in this office!

I rode home on BART with my BF feeling super tired and sleepy.
I was planning on sleeping the rest of the way home, but
I thought I should stretch out a bit. I figured that the reason
I was feeling so tired and sleepy may partly be due to my
tight neck and back muscles.
This contributes to less oxygen going into the brain
because the tight neck muscles are constricting
blood flow to the brain (hmmm...a little lecture I always tell my clients)

The stretching helped cause afterwards
I felt a bit more awake.

like looking in the mirror
it was kind of an ironic moment.
there I was in the elevator with another woman who
also picked up the mail from the mail room.
she looked sooo miserable and unhappy.
in fact, I had seen her before and her demeanor was the same then.

she complained with passion about how she felt this week would be a long one.
she expressed how much she hated working in her current job
and how she would rather be out in the sunshine.
I distinctly remember her saying, "I hate wasting my time here..."

I smiled and told her to hang in there and wished her a good work week.
She said, "thank you", in the most hopeless tone of voice with a face so long
that it could probably reach the 1st floor of our office building.

"Wow", I thought. That was me not so long ago.
I completely empathized with that woman because I knew exactly where
she was coming from.
It's such an awful, awful place to be feeling like your life is just
wasting away in a tiny cubicle somewhere on the _nth floor of an office building,
"breathing in recycled air", as that woman told me.

I wished I could tell her that it will get better...all she needed was a different perspective.
but there was something about that that I didn't buy.
On one hand, I've been able to turn things around for the better
with my challenges.
But i often think, "is that true or am I simply falling into the hands
of conformity?"
Something tells me there is a little bit of truth in the latter.
After all, one does lose a little of one's self when they assimilate.

For now, I prefer to call myself, "flexible, open, willing to accept change".
I still think there is a lesson to be learned from all of this.
But I'm not totally blind. My third eye is constantly analyzing and being critical
of the things that go on around me.
I don't want to completely lose everything that i am by buying into
all the oppressive dimensions of the corporate sector.
I know better.

proud as a mama
as if knowing that my jr. high/high school friend is a movie director was not enough,
just think how excited I got when I heard the commercial for
his new movie, "Underworld", with the announcer saying,

"Underworld - in theaters September 19th...directed by LEN WISEMAN"

WOOO HOOOO!!!! I was jumping and screaming like crazy!
I just wanted to tell the whole freakin' world.

It's not everyday that someone you know lives out their dreams
by becoming a movie director
AND is engaged to Kate Beckinsale!

I'm so proud of Len. :)

8:22p

just another sunday
'got a couple loads of laundry left in the dryer and washing machine.
''finished balancing & reconciling my checkbook and paying bills.
'FINALLY bought a card for my friend's wedding gift that I should have
sent back in May. 'Will send it tomorrow.
'didn't quite get to weeding the backyard or cleaning & putting away
the bbq grill, but at least that's only one thing I didn't complete
on my to do list for this weekend.

'worked out yesterday and today.
mainly did 40 min of cardio and situps.
i think my body is feeling better.
it'll be easier to tell after a whole week's worth of working out.
my goal this week is to work out every day.
starting tomorrow, I'll get up by 5:30a for some cardio and stretching
and will continue this routine all week.

I tell myself this now, but I'm kinda scared that
I won't go through with it.
I just gotta think positively I guess.
'will set my alarm for 5 a.m. just to be sure.

As far as my work outs this weekend, i think my
thighs are gonna be sore tomorrow.
'worked out on the EFX machine pretty intensley today
after weeks of lethargy, so my body's gotta adjust again.

after my workout today,
me and the bf enjoyed a nice meal that i got from Trader Joe's:
a portabello & roasted garlic pizza and a chicken and garlic pizza,
organic tortilla chips with mango & smoked tomato salsa,
chinese chicken salad and fruit salad for dessert...with a scoop of ice cream.
I know, I shouldn't have, but i did.

'took a 20 minute nap afterwards and then went on with my day
while the bf worked on his website and watched football...all day.

i can't believe it's only 8:30p. I feel like there's still so much of the day left
and I'm only 1 chore shy of completing my tasks for the day.
This is the most productive I've been in a long time.

1:36p

morning grease & bliss
just spent the first 3 hours of the morning with the bf.
and even though I am soooo busog from all that
longsilog, lumpia and cantaloupe juice from our morning
breakfast, it was nice just spending time together running errands.

'listened to our favorite Maroon 5 song, "She Will Be Loved"
in the car...over and over and over again...along the way.
then, 'heard "Rio" (a la Duran Duran) on the radio.
'freaked out again.
'only 15 days til I see them...woo hooo!!!
I need to set aside some moulah for souvenirs and t-shirts.
I'm telling you, I helped them get rich back in the day...
yes, me and my little 5th grader allowance.
i spent so much money on D2 paraphranelia...buttons,
posters, magazines, t-shirts, albums, 12" re-mix albums..

I even did drawings of the band, wrote poetry...GAWD, POETRY!
I remember reading one to Ellen back then. Remember that, El?
I'm sure it probably sucked cause I don't remember her being too
enthused after i finished reading it to her. hehehe!

I remember I used to be like those crazy fans
who you'd see at the front of the stage
just crying...CRYING, mind you...cause screaming
wasn't enough to express their fanaticism (is that a word?).
hysteria. just plain hysteria.

I'm scared now...
I hope I don't embarrass myself at the concert! ;)

and in the PM?
anyways, 'got a lot of stuff left to do on my "TO DO" list for today.
some friends are inviting me to go out dancing (for FREE) at this
new club down in San Jose, too.
I think I'm gonna skip out, though.
I don't want to feel like I have to be anywhere today.
I just wanna take care of my own stuff.

I should probably get crackin'.
hmm...maybe as a reward for finishing all of my goals today,
I will treat myself to a "Blockbuster Night".
'been itching to see "Signs".