day-to-day
it feels good to see my words on the screen.
'been apprehensive about writing here for days now.
on the one hand, i've been needing this space to process
and ultimately contribute to my healing.
but on the other hand,
i am afraid my writing will not do justice to everything i have
been experiencing over these
last few weeks.

today
I am strong.
'got through work just fine after praying to auntie
and every possible saint and god there is.
i am so behind on things.
but surprisingly,
i definitely breath a little lighter there
ever since auntie's passing.

yesterday
I was an emotional ball.
I missed auntie again.
we all did.
Although me and Uncle's joint b-day party here at my house
was just as fun and crazy and tummy-filling
as all of our get togethers,
there was a noticeable void.
Though not physically, i know auntie was there with us.
How else would we be able to laugh and dance and play all night?
Her beautiful, fun-loving, energetic spirit is an indelible part of all of us.

today
my brother kept uncle company on his errands to the hospital.
uncle was noticeably distant but still positive and funny as he always is.
all of us pray for him and my cousins the hardest.
they are all strong and able to move forward.
but we can only imagine how much they miss her.
if only we could help make the load in their hearts a little lighter.

there's just so much to write about. I don't even know where to begin.
I shoulda wrote every day like I did before...especially when I was unemployed.
maybe i will just end this for now with the short eulogy i shared about auntie on the first Wake/Viewing service. Perhaps tomorrow I can continue in this process of mine....

11.22.2003
in honor of auntie linda...

I think I now understand
what it feels like to lose a parent.
Auntie Linda was like a second mother to me.

As one of my parents' closest barkadas, Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry
are always together with them.
They are inseperable.
Together they are literally a comedic, carbon copy, bizarro version of eachother...
Kind of like the Disney characters, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum...times 2!

And because they are inseperable,
Auntie Linda and Uncle Larry have played a significant role
throughout my life.
They have become my second set of parents
...except they don't yell at me or bug me about stuff.

In spite of the pain, anger and sometimes hopelessness
I've been feeling over the last 3 days,
the one things that sustains me is Auntie Linda herself...
everything she is,
and the moments I had with her.

So to my auntie...

THANK YOU...for listening to me go on and on about my petty problems
that evening in your kitchen (before Uncle burned it down) ;)
while we ate Uncle's adobo
and shared a mango for dessert.
You made me feel so much better about things.

THANK YOU...for being my guinea pig when I first became a massage therapist.
Even though I know you preferred your usual therapist,
you still hired me to come to the house to give you massages anyway
AND you fed me dinner too!

THANK YOU...for that time at a family party
when you & I took a shot of madeira wine together.
It's not everyday that one actually gets to drink up with their auntie.
But you were just cool like that.

THANK YOU...for welcoming [my bf] into your family as another son
and for treating him accordingly, like
teasing him about his long hair...you said he looked like Jesus
or
nagging him about proposing to me already.

And finally,
THANK YOU...for sharing in so much of me and [my brother's] lives.
From birthdays to graduations...you were always there
supportying us
just as proudly as our own parents.

I miss you now
and always will
my energetic,
funny,
fun-loving,
LOUD,
shameless,
sexy-cool,
classy,
sassy,
Super Star auntie.

...you have impacted my life more than you know.
i love you.