5:16p

The last 4 days away from everything has been heavenly.
Finally - I can take a breath.
'Been making to do lists each day so as to be productive with
the rare free time that I have. It's been helpful and has helped me
to better understand the rut I have been in over the last year.

every day I go to work only to waste my time, energy
and emotions worrying about all the things I have to accomplish
with the limits of an 8-hour work day.
on top of that, there is the odd (or lack of)relationship I have to deal with at work.
In retrospect, the work itself isn't the problem, but rather this particular relationship.
Truly, if there was more trust, communication and acceptance, life would not be so horrible.

but perhaps what has made things even more challenging
is that I had not figured out a way to get myself out.
I had not figured out what i truly wanted, nor did i take many steps to get there.
that's what was missing.
that's what made me feel trapped and fueled the
awful cycle I was dying to get out of.

I think I've known this all along.
I know fear had a lot to do with my apprehension to make certain moves.
With everything that the world has shown me this year,
I've come to realize (in a different and more real light) that change is the only constant.
And while there are no guarantees in choices or steps you make,
the only thing you have control of is in how you prepare for change.

Quite honestly, it is scary. Scary as hell.
When auntie passed away, so many things went through my head.
One thought was that now there is one less person to take care of me.
As independent as I am and even though I've spent all these years
freeing myself from my parent's rules and expectations,
I realize what a blessing it is to always have some one to look after you.

So here I am again, being challenged to ride my bike without training wheels.
Or at least it feels like it.
New eyes, new perspective, new challenges and expectations...
I officially feel like I am delving into a new realm in this chapter of me.

One thing is for sure: I am HUNGRY for CHANGE! (no, not the kind that jingles!)
I used to think that even-numbered years were better than the odd-numbered ones.
But even with some of the awful things that transpired in 2003, some great things
also came to be.
My conclusion: from here on out, the world is just gonna be as real as it wants to be,
odd-numbered year or not.
but it is ultimately up to me to determine how I deal with it
and what I make of myself.

I would be lying if I said I still wasn't scared.
but there is hope in everything, including me. and I just have to count on that.
After all, I am still here.
*sigh*