question mark
I don't quite know what exactly to call it,
even though I have named it many things
over the past few weeks.
It's this feeling, this new perspective that I
have been locked in
ever since Auntie passed away.

I often feel that no matter what I do to move
forward in life,
there really is no point. We're just gonna die anyway.

And what about heaven?
Ya, I believe in it.
But what's the point? We live, we die, we cross the line
and move to another world only for the cycle to repeat itself,
over and over again.

And the world still continues to cave in on itself with overpopulation,
starving nations, an inability to truly learn from history's lessons,
and an agenda for technological advancement that almost
always disrespects the cycles of nature.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a hopeless cynic,
I am just a curious soul whose inquiries as to
the purpose of life have simply reached another level.
It's not that easy anymore to just accept things
as they are,
especially when my own path and dreams aren't
so clear.

On the other hand, it seems that my senses have become more acute
to my every day surroundings.
Like a moment at lunch in the middle of a busy restaurant
evokes so many memories, images, voices, thoughts and theories.

Like today while I was having a nice plate of nachos and fish tacos with the BF,
I swear that the wheels in my head turned a million times
in reaction to the deluge of stimuli that surrounded me:
a baby in his stroller, a middle eastern family sitting together,
two teenage boys laughing at stupid jokes, the
cashiers calling out order numbers....

Yet in the chaos, I understood.
I can understand that there is a pattern to these
interactions and, even more so, a purpose.
Trouble is, I only understand these concepts within these microcosms of life.
The "big picture" itself is what continues to elude me.