process

as i usually do on my way home from work,
i blink my eyes and try to break
through the cloudiness of a full work day.
it is the beginning of my transition back
into my world.

yesterday, i was extra conscious and eager
to break away. the unnecessary drama
that unfolded at work this week really took its toll
on me. it brought to light what was more important
in my life.

the orange-purple glare of the sunset shining around me
brightened and broadened my horizon.
i remembered italy.
i remembered friends who i hadn't talked to
in months.
the clouds were finally breaking
and my hope tank was re-filling itself once again.

i thought more about what i really want to do in
my life.
and through the various twists and turns
of my thought process, I came back to
the same conclusion
i have been returning to over and over again...

art.
creativity.
i want to be involved in something
creative, and ultimately, in something that
i
LOVE.

i still haven't quite figured out what that is.
i often think it is something i am already doing
but just haven't made the connection with.
then again, maybe it is just me and
my struggle with
struggle.
it is classic me to turn away from something that inspires me
when i just cannot figure out the next step in the journey.
who knows?

the one constant is that i am back
where i have been
many times.
still searching
still struggling
to find that/those
thing(s) that make(s) me whole
and alive.

perhaps it is time for me to take stock
of myself -
the plusses and deltas.

God, i wish there was a manual on how to live your life
the way you are meant to.
wouldn't that be nice?

perhaps a change of perspective would help.
i'm thinking this is part of the solution.
perhaps i am just someone whose thirst and hunger
cannot be quenched because i want to taste
everything the world has to offer.

you would think that being older
i'd have all the answers.
am i just thinking too much?
it's hard to be so damn good
at self introspection.
i am an expert.

all i know is,I am not normal.
never have been.
never want to be.

for now, i take comfort in
the fact that to find my answers
is a process.
i just hope clarity will show itself
sooner than later.

it is amazing how far and deep
i can get in my thought
process during a typical drive home from work.

as i drove my car into my garage
and saw the lights on in my
living room window,
i was happy to be at the end of my journey.

all i could think of
was the feeling of plopping into
my baby's arms
and resting there
until the rest of the world
melts away.

and that i did.
and the rest of the world
melted away
as it always does
when i am with him.