so here I am.
4 months into my new career journey in life.
today I am regaining more of my self back,
and am beginning to realize once again
that the answer I need will be found
by looking inward
at my strengths & capabilities as a person.

being a part of a collective group
who is learning to grow together as a team
AND
trying to find solutions/strategies for
organizational success
is truly a journey -
in the deepest, most complex and thickest sense of the word.

I think I have cried already like 5 times in the last 2-3 weeks.
I've endured at least 3 personal attacks by my co-worker (none of which, by the way, were warranted).
I've come home endless times in an emotionally and physically worn out state
that I can't even remember to brush my teeth.
My fucking back aches.
My facial complexion reflects the lack of blood circulating through my body.
I'm eating wayyy too much carbs & junk again.
When I sit at my desk or walk into work, I feel like a fucking zombie
because I don't even know WHERE to begin my day.
And to top it off, I didn't go to work on Monday plain and simply because
I didn't feel like it.

If it weren't for the fact that I love where I work, that I have enormous respect & admiration for my co-workers AND that I am hopeful in our ability to reach our potential in developing the phenomenal place that we work, then I would have quit a long time ago.

But no. I keep coming back for more of the deluge of mental and emotional stressors. I guess I am just delusional or simply masochistic. ;)

I often ask myself why this process of getting to a productive
and solid place with my team is such an arduous task.
Is it because one person truly holds the cards?
Is it because we are just incompetent?
Is it because we are just having a difficult time picking ourselves out of
the shit hole we've been in?
OR
Is this what organizational development is all about?????

At this point in time, I do believe that we are simply going through growing pains.
Unfortunately, because it is often difficult for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
I am just lost AS HELL!
And frankly, like the way I process most emotions, I just need to let that roll through me.
Even if it hurst like a MOFO.
I just gotta let it run through my system so that I can gain whatever it is I need to gain from it and grow as a person.

Today, however, the clouds parted in front of my eyes a little.
After seeing a violent (though edited) car crash on TV,
it shook me on such a fundamental level that I cried incessantly for
a couple of minutes.
And the one thing that flashed through my mind was:
What if I or the BF died today?
Would all this toiling and struggle at work really matter?
Would all of the crazy stuff I have been internalizing be as big of a deal as it often has been these last few weeks?
Without a doubt or hesitation, the answer for me was: NO.

Shit.
At least I could be clear about SOMETHING this week.

where do I want to be?
I want to be in a place where I have a clear direction in my work
so that I know how to prioritize my tasks and projects
AND
so that I can begin to create systems to help support my team.
I want to be in a place where there is solid infrastructure that our team can rely on for support.
I want to be in a place where I can be creative and develop new solutions without having an urgent deadline attached to it.
I want to stop running in crisis mode.
I want, I want, I want!

(break)

In processing the above thoughts,
I remembered the saying: "It's all about the journey"
Truly, this has been a good one filled with
zillions of growth opportunities.
I am learning enormous amounts of stuff that can never be taken away from me.
I value this and speak about myself in this way because,
truly,
I am who I have left at the end of the day.
I mean, of course, I have the BF,family and friends and all of these blessings
but
In the end, when I an struggling, it is really only me that can bail myself out of my rut.
It is really only me that can move forward if I choose to.
It's all about me when it comes to deciding on
being empowered vs. being tore down.

I want to ramble on in this process, but my eyes are drooping to sleep.

More processing later.... Good night!