breaking up is hard to do

leaving the center was probably the hardest time i've ever had
leaving a job.
truthfully, the only thing that made things difficult
was my boss.
I loved her to death. She is remarkable at what she does
and she has the biggest, most generous heart.

But the fact of the matter is, she played her cards in such
a way that really scared the shit out of me at times and left
me irritated and in crisis mode with my work most of the time.
It was definitely more different than anything I have ever
experienced.
And as hard as I tried to roll with it, I was resigned
to the fact that, as flexible and accomodating as I am,
I would not be happy rolling in this fashion.

Nevertheless, I certainly don't think that my experience
with her defines my overall experience working at the center.
My experience was far too dynamic and amazing to let her define me.
That is what made leaving so difficult. I loved my job, I loved
my co-workers (they were family to me), I loved the kids, I loved
the excitement of being in a pioneering situation. There was so
much potential for me there. And, truly, the experience represented
the heart and soul of everything I am about.
I truly believed that I found the job I had been searching for all of these years.

I gave a 3-week notice as soon as I got a job
offer with my college alma mater.
My boss was nothing but supportive and we even cried
and hugged. I told her what a good person she was
and that I wished her nothing but the best.
I suppose I could've told her all the things I was unhappy
about working with her, but I think she already knew.
And besides, there really is no changing her. She is who she is
and quite frankly, I accept that.
I just wish I had a better capacity to work alongside her.

The first 2 weeks after giving my notice was a bit hectic
but good. We welcomed 6 new staff, 2 of whom worked with me.
I trained them for the first 2 weeks and we were good friends before
the first week even ended.
We clicked instantly.

I was inspired by their enthusiasm to work in the center and to work
with the kids.
Their outlook was so hopeful and not yet jaded by years of working
in this field.
I could tell how educated and thoughtful they were about social justice
and making good in the world. They reminded me to fight complacency
and continue to critically analyze and act on injustice.
They inspired me so much that I just knew we were destined to meet.
And I prayed that they continue to keep that hope and enthusiasm and that it
last throughout their lives.
Becoming friends with them made it even more difficult to leave the center.

On the day before my last day at the center, I prepared a huge feast
for the staff pinoy style. Their jaws dropped when I brought in the
tons of trays of food into our staff meeting.
It felt good. Feeding them was my way of expressing my love and gratitude.

As they ate, the meeting facilitator asked me if I wanted to say anything (which I did)and then encouraged the group to say what they wanted to say to me.
As resistant as I was to this group process, because frankly it felt embarrassing, it really meant a lot to hear what people had to say.

Since most of our time has been spent talking about all the things that are going bad
or need change in the center, it felt good for me to hear people say honest
positive things. I certainly didn't ego trip on it, but I was so appreciative
of all the loving words people shared. It honestly, honestly felt good mostly because I saw how people got how much I loved them...

And that is what I wanted folks to leave with most of all.

I still cannot believe that I don't get to see my ex-co-workers on a daily basis anymore. And as much as I believe that leaving the center was the right thing to
do for now, I miss my ex-co-workers to death! So much so that I got homesick on my first day at my new job. After calling my ex-co-worker, M (one of my 2 closest friends of the bunch), to see how things were going, I broke down in tears and cried all the way home to my SO (significant other).

After all of this, I now know in my heart that in the short time I spent in the center, I really grew to love everyone there. I see them all as family, and because of this, I don't see me leaving as the end. It is for me a new beginning in my friendships with them because they have now become another set of my extended family - crazy, dysfunctional, loving and a huge part of me.