what i remember of lola mang

At 1:45 am, my brother woke me up with a phone call
letting me know that lola had finally passed.
We knew it was something that would come soon
as her health has been waning for quite some time.
My brother told me that he was sad for mom who was crying
in the next room. He said that he just wanted to be there
for her to make sure she was alright.

It surprised me a little to hear about my mom's reaction
since she had just come back from the Philippines and said
her last goodbye. My mom has been mentally & spiritually
prepared for years for lola's passing. Plus, she is like lola,
strong and level-headed in times of crisis. But as they say,
you never really know how you will react when things
unfold. I suppose I really should not have been surprised at all.

I prayed silently in the dark and noticed the moon peeking
through the window. My first thought, of course, was that
she was up there now on her way to reunite with lolo pang and
the rest of our family members who have passed. I thought about
how she would finally have the opportunity to find truth in everything
she has ever wondered about or even never thought about before.
In the dark I prayed for her soul to find peace and for the opportunity
for her children to be touched by her messages of wisdom, truth and love from above.

I have been quite disconnected from her for many, many years, but i know she is there and is a big part of my life. In my time alone this morning,
I tried to remember things about her as my way of understanding the big picture
of who she was. And even though I don't have the full story, I am grateful
for my memories. I hope that in time I will learn more about her and
understand the truth of her existence.

Right now I am honored to have had a grandmother who

- lived 93 years on this eartth
- survived 2 world wars (one of which happened right in her backyard)
- loved Cadbury milk chocolate...or any chocolate for that matter
- cooked her mushrooms with loads of animal fat
- raised me for 2 years, along with lolo, while my parents were settling in the U.S.
- locked me out of the house for 2 hours when I was 9 to teach me never to talk back to my elders
- was there to help care for my brother and mother when my brother was born
- poured teaspoonfuls of coffee over her rice while eating it with fried eggs and tuyo for breakfast
- was widely respected and honored by her church and community
- made me walk to church with her EVERYDAY when I was 4
- was the oldest of her siblings and was respectfully addressed by them as "Ate"
- was strict and tight with money (the complete opposite of lolo who was laid back and spent his money on mahjongg), but gave freely to her grandchildren - like the time when I saw her last (I was 25) and she gave me 100 pesos before I left.
- spoiled me by only serving me what I wanted to eat for dinner, which would later backfire when my mom decided to teach me a lesson and told me that I should eat what is on the table or not eat at all.
- raised 4 daughters and one son, 2 of whom are my favorite, most inspirational aunties/people on earth who I have always remained spiritually connected with even across the miles.
- had her way of driving my mom and aunts crazy, which is where MY mom gets it from (great, just great!) ;)
- has a reputation of being a strict disciplinarian and wore the pants in the family
- had a sense of humor that could not be quelled even in her death bed when she told my mom, "Looks like you've gained some weight!"
- instilled the same sense of humor in her children who still laughed at her even in her death bed when she thought my mom's and aunt's names were "Gloria" & "Victoria", which they are not (not even close).
- cried in happiness when she saw me last (in '97) and told me that I look like a "mexicana"
- didn't give a crap what other people thought or said and would express it by saying "Ay, si apo ninda!" in her bicol dialect
- gave me my real name and nickname
- would wear "dusters" in the house and a scarf over her head when going out.-
- owned like a million cats even though they gave her asthma
- is survived by all of her 5 children, some siblings (I think there is at least 3), 10 (?) grandchildren, and 4 (?)great-grandchildren.

There is certainly more to write about, and I hope to continue to put together all of the pieces in my lifetime. Though I am hopeful of life continuing on as it does,
I cannot help but run with my thought process of what this means for me, for the generations before me and those that follow. A part of me feels that there is more to be learned from this experience than the usual confirmation that "life is a cycle". I certainly don't dispute that. I just feel that there is more that I am supposed to see and add to my understanding of life. I suppose it is just a matter of time before the wisdom presents itself.

Thank you, lola mang, for being a part of my life, for everything you have taught me, and for everything I have yet to learn from you.