driven
for years i was driven
by passions that revolved around social justice and educational opportunity.
it was central in my career choices and everyday living really.
I had a vision then...so crystal clear.

now that i am in "survival mode"
i realized today that i've forgotten what that vision is.
jaded by lack of financial stability, complacency as well
as by the cynics and ignorant/over-priveleged
"opponents" to my views, I guess i've managed to stray
from that other path.

the world is bigger now, filled
with anything and everything that you let in,
constantly challenging who I am
and what I want to become.
suddenly, i'm sinking in it, unable to come up for breath.

then again, a friend told me once that i am where I am because of
my visions.
it's not that i've lost them.
they've simply led me to a more complex path.
my friend said i should be happy about it because it's only leading me to greater things.
sheeiiit! wish I could believe that after these last few challenging months.

taking a step back, i remember why i chose my current path.
Balance is what I was seeking - plain and simply.
I didn't have any grandiose career goals because that's not really
how my thinking works.
As my ex-boss taught me, I think more about my "life's work".

Exactly what that is, I don't know. But on a very general/socially conscious level,
my main driving force is to be an effective resource in meeting community needs.
And even more, to be integral in building community.

I believe the path I've chosen is still enabling me to do that, but
I guess I don't always view it as a revolutionary thing (since it is not an
apparently radical activity)...even though
it is, given the right elements.

I guess i just always need to feel like what i do is making a significant difference.
Time is so precious that I just don't want to waste it investing in things
that aren't meaningful to me.

I'm glad I had this moment to remember my "roots" again.
It's amazing what "thinking" out loud can do.
maybe things aren't as bad as I thought after all.
I just needed to be reminded that the fire inside hasn't completely died.

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Muriel Strode

('love this quote. it's my favorite.)