with shovel in hand, I dig again

monday.
ahhh...the most dreaded first day of the work week.
since the SO wanted to get to work by 8a,
I had to be up by 6:30a.
I groggily made my way to the loo,
eyes still half closed
and contemplating
sneaking back into bed for another 10 minutes.

the rest of the day went along
as such.
dragging, my body aching and tired
i could only think of how soon Friday would come.

but there I was again.
though days had passed,
I was still in the same place.
I felt like I only moved an inch
and not much more.
I was playing the "in limbo" game again.

as of late, i feel like I've just been going
through the motions,
as prescribed by the instructions
that I must follow.
it's almost like i checked in my soul
at the door
and zipped up my robot-wear.

i'm praying for inspiration to penetrate
my imprisoning armor.
something.
a spark.
ANYTHING
to give me perspective on the whole matter.

the truth is,
i'm not quite sure who I'm supposed to be now,
how I'm supposed to act.
I don't feel like I've had enough time
to fully embrace things.
i guess i'm in transition again.
and it's always taken me a while to digest this state.

i guess i just need to re-construct/de-construct
myself again.
just like before.
i think my last major transition was when I turned 30.
and boy, did that take a few hundred blog entries
to process!

still,
i must do it again.
redefine myself.
redefine my future.
while i continue to fight complacency and conformist ways.
i still want to be a revolutionary,
think outside the box,
dig deeper than deep...
I guess I am just afraid of losing that part of me.

maybe that's why I am conflicted
and hesitant to take a step,
which is why i continue to be in limbo
yet again.

(pause...phone ringing)

that was my mom.
it's funny how the universe works.
one minute i'm praying for answers
and the next minute
the universe blesses me with them.

thanks, mom, for giving me the hearty laugh that I needed
and for shedding light on my dark introspection. :)
mom always has a way of keeping things real and making light of
the pre-conceived drama that builds in my head,
a little "snap out of it" face slap, if you will,
to dig me out of the depths of my analysis.

what a blessing her perfect timing is!