And so I begin again..

After spending the early part of this year monitoring
a growing fibroid in my uterus,
only to be followed by an ultimatum by my OBGYN
to either "start trying" or get the fibroid removed,
followed by the realization that the stick I pissed on
was ACTUALLY showing a purple "plus" sign,
followed by confirmation from the clinic
that, yes, the EPT stick was correct,
to learning how to take one day at a time
during 13 weeks of nausea and not wanting to even THINK about Italian food,
to experiencing pain in my hips, gas and bloating in my belly
and a hard spot beneath my belly button with a heart beat...

I am here again.

I suppose it is more real now than ever before
that the SO and I will welcome a new buddy into our lives.
but sometimes, like today, I wonder if he/she is in there
simply because the fetus is still too little for me to feel its movement.

It's strange really to be in this place. My emotions have spanned the spectrum:
happy shock/disbelief
happy
overwhelmed
anxious
lost
worry
acceptance
love
excitement
peace

Peace is where I am now.
I feel like the initial whirlwind of emotions and experiences
have passed and now I can finally focus.
I'm realizing a lot of things about myself
that were hard to see during the whirlwind.
And believe you me,
I am ECSTATIC about the clarity.
Perhaps the most significant is this groundedness
and solid belief that all will be well...

I believe that my body will do what it has evolved to do
to take care of the baby and bring it into the world.
and if I can't deliver naturally, then the advancements
in the medical field will be at my disposal
and of course, I'll have my guardian angels to watch over
me and guide things through.

I know that while I am entering this very main stream
path in life, ultimately, I am still me - the very unconventional,
non-conformist, me.

I am still that revolutionary
in my own unique way.

I realize that being a mother does not define me.
It is only a part of the full picture of me.

I believe that the more I celebrate and remember this fact,
the more my child will flourish and experience this life to its fullest.

Finally, I realize that I am entitled to experience this process, this journey
in my own way without judgement, just as I am meant to.

Right now, I am just happy where I am with everything.
It's been an interesting change of pace
to now live life one day at a time.
I suppose it is my training ground to gain the patience I need
for what is to come.

It's actually been pretty amazing to see
how each step of my pregnancy symptoms/experiences
have prepared me for the next step in the process.
It's truly awe inspiring how nature works in this way.
I suppose this is why I have grown to accept things
as they've come.

Maybe once this process is over, I might have actually grown up some.
(I know, wishful thinking.)

Til next time...