10:47a

searching for a soul
...cause mine's been a little down-trodden lately.
spent all night looking at links on friends' blogs and found
some super interesting folks - not to mention talented artists and writers.
wow!
I guess that's one good thing about overpopulation - you get a good variety of
people to get inspiration from.

work.
I think i'm letting it consume me too much mentally.
whatever happened to my promises to myself?
well, when you're trying to learn something that you've never
done before, in a field that you've never worked in,
I guess all of those promises go out the window for the sake of not looking
like a complete idiot.

all I can say is, at least I'm not where I used to be!

did some research on grad schools early this morning, too.
preferably in New York.
I'm still afraid to pursue a Masters. Not sure I can cut it academically, but
love the thought of proving myself academically, since I didn't do so well in college.

Besides that, I'd love to see my father's face when I walk across the stage to get
that diploma.
I owe it to him...even though I probably shouldn't feel that way, I do.
He gave up his Masters degree for me just so that we could immigrate and have a better life here in America.
He already completed his first year of his MBA I think, but did not continue on
because we needed to leave.
I think I owe him that.

come to think of it, I'm always owing somebody something - primary
my credit card merchants, but we won't go there.
Like I told my friend yesterday, a man is not an island...even though
we wish we were on one by ourselves sometimes.

still feeling like I'm just floating in the wind right now.
i guess it's just the way it is now that I'm no longer an outsider looking in.
it doesn't really help that I don't have anyone to process stuff with at work.
everyone kinda does their own thing....which is kinda nice on some level.
you just do your work...no need to collaborate with anyone...then, go home.

it helped rejuvinate my spirit in the beginning (especially after having gone through all the drama at the other place),
but now I feel like it kills me little by little everyday.
don't get me wrong, it's a great place to work and the people are all friendly...
but it's definitely not the grassroots, organic, passion-driven environment of some of the non-profit/
social work organizations I've worked for in the past.
It's just a job.
I think this is the first time I've ever worked in a place like that. wierd.

At least I can be proud of the fact that most of my life I've been able to follow my heart
and work for causes that I believe in and am passionate about.
and my measly pay was never an issue.
I wonder if its too late for me to still live out that luxury...
especially with the economy the way it is.
especially since I'm pretty tired of not being able to make an above average salary.
especially since I'm just not made like the rest of the population.

I sound like a litte kid.
Hello? remember? the world revolves around money.
and money = power.
that's pretty much the bottom-line.
even though we try to define life for ourselves.

ya, I'm still a little kid....
I still won't buy into all that BULLSHIT.
(I hate being an optimist sometimes)

intermission
eh, i think this drama queen needs a little air.
lord knows I need it!
'gonna head out and hang out with one of my "little sisters"
up in ber-kili-kili.
I need a little inspiration from someone who is still livin' out her dreams.

thank goodness for sunshine outside. I'm getting sick of
this cloudy weather all the time. I'm starting to feel like I'm in
freakin' seattle!

til next time...