if it weren't for...

my tense neck and shoulders,
I wouldn't have gotten this lovely, fat migraine.
And if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be able to
have an excuse to NOT do the things I'm supposed to be doing
right now...
like washing my dirty drawers and work clothes for the week.
argh! why again can't i wear sweats to work?
what exactly is it about sweat pants and a t-shirt connote "unprofessional" & "incompetent"?

I mean, let's get real...all I do everyday is sit in front of the computer
type up paperwork, get up, go to the bathroom,
fill my mug with water, get up, buy lunch, eat lunch
everyday, monday through friday, every month?
I always wondered why.

truly, as much as I like getting all dressed up once in a while,
I would rather be in a nice T and comfortable jeans.
And as much I enjoy putting on makeup to look all done up
and actually spend good money on the stuff,
my skin hates it.
As a result, my skin fights back by turning all dry and flakey
and itches like there is no other itch in the world
that is as bad.
and it doesn't help that my eyelids are naturally dark...something I inherited from
my mom's side of the family.
that's why sometimes people mistake me for east Indian.
well, that is when they aren't mistaking me for a Latina/Spanish/Mexican woman.

But I digress...

perhaps
I've actually been pretty perplexed lately about
the daunting realization that
I am (at this point in my life) unable to
find something that I am utterly passionate about doing in life.

I'm thinking this whole time that it probably has to do with the
fact that I am innately...a LAZY ASS.
But just today, I also realized that there's a little more to it.

I've been so programmed to find my motivation to
accomplish things by the mere fact that
a) I have to (like going to school and taking a shower)
b) It meets the needs of someone I really care about.
c) I want someone to like me (or rather, I don't want them to hate me)

I guess it's been difficult to simply do things cause I want to.
I always feel like there has to be some grand end result or
some need that is being fulfilled.
Otherwise, there really is no true purpose to engage in it wholeheartedly.

Or perhaps I really am just a Lazy Ass?
Perhaps.
Perhaps.