after checking in with my co-worker,
I got to thinking differently about things at work.
Our conversation got me thinking about
what it was that made me excited about applying for
my current position and what made me excited
about working in this space.
Truthfully, I had a hard time remembering.
In fact, I still do.

I think I had a little breakthrough, though I still can't remember specifics.
I just remember being super gung-ho about putting effort into
learning about the community I work in.
Since I knew very little about this community, I was excited
to do the research and do the homework
so that I could be empowered with this knowledge.
I did all kinds of on-line searches, even 'looked up the
political officials on the city and county level who
are in charge of taking care of this community.

Then, the deluge of work and responsibilities came over me
and I've been drowning in it ever since.
Obviously this has contributed to my loss of
excitement and focus.

I've spent this last week just recovering mentally.
The space and focus on healing myself has enabled me
to examine my situation in a more balanced way.
I still don't have definitive answers to many of my questions, confusions.
However, the heaviness on my mind and my heart
has been good.

After the intense incident yesterday at work + my conversation
with my co-worker today forced me to think about my experience
on a different level:
It grounded me.

It truly grounded me again, and I am ever so grateful.

I see this as a new starting point for me, and I
hope to be able to build again from this foundation.
Don't get me wrong, I am still skeptical, confused
and still a bit worn out from the first 7 months of
chaos and craziness. I definitely need to figure out a way
to take these next steps in a way that is manageable
and SANE for me AND where I am not giving up so much of myself
that there is nothing left for me.

I need to figure this out. I need to make this work,
because a part of me believes that, like my co-worker,
this job is the dream job that I have been wishing for.

(wow. 'can't believe I actually said that. I'm crazy!!!!!
Even more, THIS FUCKING job is crazy!!!!)

hope for more progress. til next time.