last night I went to bed with an almost cured sore throat
and a bit of a fever.
I suppose that my body was making its full-strength
attempt at getting rid of the virus in my system.
I couldn't sleep for the first hour, but luckily
Mr. Sandman finally pulled me into deep slumber.

I woke up with an itchy throat, though not as sore as yesterday.
My back and neck ached a bit from sleeping on this futon for weeks
and my whole body felt like it had undergone some serious healing
process overnight. I felt refreshed but a little exhausted.
I lay in bed for a few minutes, wavering back and forth
deciding on whether or not I could handle a full day at work.
Finally, I decided to stay home again.

'Had this more-intense-than-usual instinct to watch tv
instead of lay in bed.
i decided to first head over a couple of blocks to the
convenient store to purchase a small bag of Doritos ('been craving them since yesterday!), and as soon as I got there, the TV in the store
was blaring info about the bombings in London.
Wow, I though to myself. I guess my instincts were leading me to see this.

My cousin lives in London, so of course I thought of the safety
of her and her family first. I was just about to call her
when I turned on my MSN Messenger and found her on-line.
She told me that everyone was ok in her family as well as all of her other friends.
What a relief!

So now I am here, glued to the TV for a strange sort of comfort.
I thought that my bf was going to work from home today, but
was sad to find that he actually was planning on going into the office
because of this 4-day work week. Bummer! I was soooo looking forward
to being taken care of today. Oh well, I guess it's just me, the tv and
my laptop.

I'm feeling very pensive about things, life, work in particular.
For months, my life has been focused on my work life, trying
to get a handle on the consistent challenges and plethora of
responsibilities. Stress, anxiety, discontent is heavy on my mind as a result of it.
In retrospect, i suppose the real problem is the
very fact that most of my focus and energy has been on work.
I have yet to find a nice balance between it and my personal life.
I'd really like to be in that place of balance soon, because even
writing about work brings about feelings of anxiety, confusion and just blah!

This past weekend, I realized that I needed to really think more concretely
about what I wanted for my future, my goals, etc.
Concretely, I need to figure out a way to make more money.
I've worked in the non-profit sector for pretty much my entire career,
and my goal has never been about making money.
It has always been about helping to meet community needs.
I've also always felt that because I grew up with every basic need
(and then some) provided for me by my parents, I need to
spend my focus on ensuring that others have these same needs met
before I worry about myself.
I always feel a little guilty for having what I have, when I know
that there are so many people out there struggling because
they don't have the same opportunities as I do/did growing up.

but let's be real.
i need a definite raise, even though this is the most
i've ever made in my life (which really isn't saying much).
i'd like to be able to have some form of a savings
and some form of an IRA/retirement savings.
I'd like to be able to raise kids with the bf and
have enough money to put them through college.

I often wonder if I will ever make enough money to do
all of these things, because in my field, you basically
have to be an executive director or something to make
any kind of substantial salary.
And, truly, I would not touch that job with a ten foot pole!

So what to do? what to do?
I really don't have any answers at this point.
The only thing I know right now is that I am officially
burned out at work.
I feel hopeless about things changing for the better.
I just hope that I can find some inspiration to help
solve this dilemma sooner than later.