11:38p

process, process, process
had a nice long talk with my bf about our future.
after being so caught up in my own "world" of thoughts and ideals,
it was a delight to hear about his dreams.
it's not that i wasn't aware of them before. i just wasn't sure.
wasn't very clear on exactly where he stood on certain things.
hearing it today made me smile, even though we were having a pretty serious conversation.

i thought about what he said for a while tonight.
cause honestly, (and i told him this) i was not quite where he was at.
the main reason being that I'm not quite where i want to be as
an individual.
he understood this, though.

so tonight while watching tv, i had some revelations about
how i wanted things to be for me.
and it was in alignment with what my bf expressed in our earlier conversation.
i know that i still have a few things to work through before
coming to a full understanding/confidence of where i am at
personally with everything, but
i see the light...at least a little.

lunch with the kumares
today i went to the city to get my official massage permit.
it's this laminated green card with a clip, which we
are supposed to wear at all times while practicing massage in the city.
wierd. maybe i'll just have it handy instead of wearing it.

but i visited my mom who worked nearby.
she and my aunt took me out to lunch.
i was kinda the third wheel, but it was fine.
actually, my mom wasn't expecting me. she had already made lunch plans
with my aunt, but she invited me to come along.

both of them were in venting mode about their workplace.
lots of drama going on apparently.
very similar situation to my workplace.
it was kinda nice, though, to hear them talking like that.

usually my mom is always "on". kinda over the top
when she talks. it's as if she's trying too hard or something.
i'm glad this wasn't the case today. she was just herself.
honest about what was going on in her mind, but not all in my face.
it was sooo incredibly NICE!

I guess my mom (and i do this sometimes too) comes off as
if she's trying too hard in our conversations cause
our relationship is often challenging and we both work super-hard
just to relate with one another.

I know we both get sick of eachother sometimes, so
perhaps it's just more of a struggle to interact because
even though we annoy eachother, we do want the relationship to work
at some level.

but still, it was nice.
even my aunt was herself.
it was really a pleasant time.


so what am i gonna do to save myself?
(to be continued...)