8:14p

guessing game
dunno what it is about today.
'didn't feel energetic like the day before.
maybe my annoyance at last night's lack of clients carried over
to today.

I was also grumpy all day at work.
I just couldn't shake it.
I think it stemmed from my quick meeting with the big boss.
the whole time i listened to them talk,
i could not help but analyze everything they were saying.
it was as if they were simply feeding me the good stuff
about the organization so that i wouldn't question all
the real crap that happens.

for the longest time all day long, I couldn't figure out
why i was so down.
and then it hit me as i was talking to my co-worker about it...
i just don't trust them.

I don't trust that they tell me everything.
I don't trust that they want me to know anything.
I think they want the organization to be and remain forever disjointed
so that we can be controlled.

And the most peculiar thing is that
when the big boss called me later on in the day to return my message,
they gave me this compliment about my work right out of the blue.
it didn't sound sincere at all.
it sounded more like a pat on the back to appease me so that I wouldn't
dissent.

believe you me, I hate feeling this way.
who in their right mind would want to work in a
place where they couldn't even trust the big boss
in a small staff of 6???
It's bad enough that they don't appear to trust us.
It's simply insane.

*shakes head*

i'm not sure what i'm going to do at this point.
for now i am happy with the small victories
in this place.
for once they actually agreed with a couple of my ideas today.
and i'm just waiting for the day that i get our computer networked.
for me that will be a major victory.
but not as big a victory as changing the whole mentality of this place.
that will probably take a lifetime OR a new management team.
I hope the latter happens sooner than later, though.

I'm just so happy that tomorrow is my day off.
at least my mind and body will be away from the bad energy.
Although, i think the real solution is to get more focused
and to figure out a way to fight all this negativity from the inside.
whatever that means...well, it makes sense to me anyway.