5:46p

bump on a log
words cannot express how ectstatic I am to be home
righ now.
I should really be at the spa being available for any
possible walk-in clients.
But I swear to GOD, I have absolutely no physical or mental
energy left in me to be anywhere but home.

i was actually worse last night.
I was lucky enough to get two sessions in at the spa,
but when I came home....oh boy...I was useless....
like a crumpled piece of paper on the ground.
'dunno if it was the shock of finally doing some cardio exercise at lunch
(i jogged during lunch)
or if it was PMS.
Yes, Aunt Flow will be visiting this week.

I just felt YUCK...a fat ball of emotion.
I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry.
I've never felt so spent in my life!

blog my brains out
all i know right now is that I couldn't wait to blog when I got home today.
it's become a rare luxury to be able to blog nowadays.
There's not enough time anymore and I really, really hate that.
And when I do have a little time, I feel so rushed that
my thoughts don't flow as easily.

job a & b
so it's been a month since I started work at both jobs.
in general, i've adjusted pretty well and pretty quickly.
Job A (the day job) is ok. not great, but not bad either. not sure
that i can really grow and develop from my time here but at least
this job pays the bills.

there's lots of drama that i've picked up on and later confirmed.
lots of stuff that needs changing.
lots of stuff.
i'm a little more removed from all of it since it doesn't affect me
directly but i'm thinking about how all of it negatively affects the
entire organization.

all i know is that i want my time there to be helpful and not
be a burden.
Just trying to keep my problem-solving attitude alive and not
get sucked into the drama vortex.

Nevertheless, everyone i work with is very respectful
and cordial. 'haven't gotten close with anyone in particular, but
there is one person that I probably feel the most comfortable with.
It's kinda challenging sometimes, though, cause we don't ever really
spend time with one another.
I haven't had lunch with anyone yet.
I don't even know if they do that sort of thing there.
trust me, it's a very odd environment with commited individuals.

The spa job is going well, too. Feeling a lot more comfortable
in the space. I know my way around and have been meeting
and connecting with lots of my co-workers.
'been able to connect really well with one of the stylists and one of
the bodyworkers. both women.
I feel lucky to have that, cause there's quite a few of us in there.

But it's definitely important for me to forge connections with folks
in there, though. Cause even though I'm an "independent contractor",
it's still important to work as a team when it comes to
serving our client's needs.
And more importantly for me, i'm all about building community
wherever I am.

brick wall
That's been easier in the spa than at job A, believe it or not.
too much hierarchy and beauracracy are to blame for sure.
something tells me that change, in general, will happen more slowly in job A, too.
'been thinking a lot about how i see myself with that challenge.

since i'm fairly new, i still have hope in the place.
on the same token, i'm skeptical of how long i can last there.
but i still have no idea what my ultimate career goals are,
so I don't really know where I want to go from here.

I was just thinking today that I should be proud of myself
for being able start a new career in massage therapy...
and it only took me a year.
I forget that about myself often.
But when I do remember, it brings me back to what some of my goals are:

- to not work the typical 9-5 job
- to have a somewhat flexible schedule
- to have more time for my life
- to be able to continue practicing and developing in my passion - massage therapy

so maybe i'm restless right now because even I've been able to accomplish
all of those goals, I don't have the resources (financial)
to do the things I've made time for.
I guess I'm still stuck in some ways.

well, at least i've been able to come up with some kind of conclusion
about that today.
last night, i was so out of it that i couldn't even think let alone
analyze my situation.
again, useless...that was me last night.

i left my heart (and brain) in half moon bay
i think what probably got me started in this mood of mine
was my time with my bf in half moon bay this sunday, his birthday.
we had such a great time exploring, taking pictures, talking, joking around
that it's no surprise that my spirit was some place else other
than work on Monday.

my baby really enjoyed the day.
we started off with lunch at this very casual seafood restaurant.
his parents treated both of us to lunch.
we were so surprised that they chose this spot cause
they don't usually travel too far outside where they live.

the best part was the drive to the restaurant.
half moon bay hasn't completely been taken over by
over-development.
they still grow stuff there: x-mas trees, grapes for wine, strawberries...
there's green fields on both sides of hwy 1 to be awed by.
it was one of the most relaxing and awe-inspiring drives i've had in a long time.
in fact, there were even a couple of women on the side of the road
painting the field of yellow poppies on the opposite side.

after having lunch and seeing his parents off, my bf and i changed
into our sweats and tennis shoes and got his camera and tripod and
walked along the pier.
we had access to enter the dock where all the boats were and
ran into a boat selling live crabs.

then we walked along the pier and saw a little boy with his
grandpa. reminded me of my dad and his desire to have
grandkids soon. real soon as he always hints to me. ;)

we hung out at this bench for a little while after and did some
people watching. we talked a lot about stuff.
you know, stuff that counts. it was just nice to not have
anything else to think about except him and me and what i wanted to say next.

we then drove to this old distillery a few miles north. it was
located on a cliff overlooking the bay.
we made our way a little south and parked. this is where we
spent most of our time.
we were in a residential area and my bf wanted to stop because
he wanted to take a picture of this white picket fence he saw.
i wasn't sure how he was trying to compose the shot, but i'm
sure it will be amazing as all his pictures are.

i walked across the street while he was taking that shot and
saw a nice bush with a beautiful brown pattern on the branches.
i called him over to take pictures of it. he thought it was beautiful too.

Then we walked back to the area where i parked my car.
there was this bench that overlooked the cliff to the tide pools below.
as I sat in the bench, i looked down and noticed that there
were sea lions sunning themselves on the rocks.
there were about 2 dozen of them! wow!
I had never seen that before.

At one point i looked up and saw a small flock of birds flying in formation.
but they weren't your typical seagulls, they were PELICANS!
I'm telling you...all of this put together made for a really majestic moment.
my bf and i were amazed at how diverse the bay area is.
and thank goodness there's still some natural habitats left.

all in all it was such an appropriate birthday for my baby.
he was able to spend it with his family and do one of the things
he loves best: take pictures.
me - i loved being closer to nature, especially the ocean.
I love the ocean.
i'm instantly mezmerized by sound of the crashing tide onto the shore.
it's my lullabye.

And being able to sit there on the bench to enjoy all of this was pure heaven.
later when I turned around, i noticed a placque on the bench.
Apparently this bench was dedicated to a man who passed away at the age of 19.
So before i left, i said a silent "thank you" to him for letting me sit on his bench.
I couldn't help but think what a beautiful memorial that was.

With all of this said, i'm inspired to publish one of my old poems here.
It's my little ode to the ocean:



OCEAN - by me written 7/31/96

Ocean -
you can be any color
and i will still stare,
my heart will still race
each time

The sky can cry over you
The fog can try
to cloak you in its blandness
but i will never leave your shores

How can I when your stretch
of shoreline wraps aroung me
like a blanket on a
cold,
windy
night.

The rolling of the waves
serenade me
like a suitor
outside my window

I speak with words
you wil the rolling tide,
yet i can understand
the poetry you whisper
in my ear

each time i look closer
i fall deeper

even when
i only see
your image in my head
my body
instinctively rocks in synchrony
with your rythm.

I am at peace
by your side
yet i don't feel the need
to sleep

dreaming of you
would do you no justice
because in reality
you are more than i could ever dream
of.