11:15a

shoulda, coulda, woulda
I should really be changing the sheets on the twin bed,
but once again the blogger-force has sucked me in.
Our good friend, D, is driving up from LaLa land tomorrow
and will be with us through the weekend.
Hence, I must prepare his "VIP" suite.
(He stays with us all the time)

I should've come home earlier to clean the house,
but common sense told me to hang out with my good friends
for four hours of Happy "Hour" instead.
It was soooo worth it.
Hadn't seen L in over 2 years and of course it was great to catch up.
'Forgot how comfortable I was around her, she's completely down to earth.
And even more, she's always been like one of the "girlfriends"
even though we rarely ever hang out together.
I'm lucky to know someone like her.

And even better,
she took us to the Live 105 studios, 'cause her boyfriend worked there.
And guess who was Dj-ing on the air just as we stepped into the studio?
Yup, you guessed it.
He was even nice enough to step away for a couple of minutes to
formally greet us.
He couldn't hang long cause he was the only one on the air.

Oh, and on the wall was this very cool SMASHING PUMPKINS
frame thing...I can't describe it, but I'm sure my cousin Fatima
and Lu would've appreciated it.

The very modest but colorful space made me long
for the days when I worked in a similar place,
where you get inspired everyday and have all the room in the world
to grow in directions you choose....

~Untitled (and in progress)~

I don't want to sleep til I understand
the empy feeling floating inside.
Am I alive?
I'm not sure sometimes.

I wake up every morning
and start my car
to make it through
the easiest commute imaginable.
"At least I'm alive", I think,
while the same
numbness sets in

Numbered goals
fill pages in my planner
only to be left
un-crossed-out for months.
'Tired of the same old mess.
Is it the numbness or laziness?

Only work sets a standard
for "success" or "failure",
Some things are just black and white like that.

But I......miss the grey

'cause I know that's where I belong,
in 18% shades of it,
where my heartstrings are pulled
in unknown directions
only my insides can understand.

If only I could see it in black and white,
If only that place existed before my eyes

...that's where I belong,
in 18% shades of it,
unafraid.

- written 7/29/03