12:31a

and then there's the other side
"it doesn't really matter why you want to have kids,
it's how you take care of /raisethem that matters"

hmm... i heard that somewhere. I can't remember where. but I remembered it while
I was typing in my last entry.
'not quite sure how to digest that one just yet.
Although..I definitely agree with the last part of that sentence...
in some ways it actually negates the first part of the sentence/ invalidates it.
so I guess it does make sense.
however, i think it is still important to think critically when
deciding on having children.
we owe it to them to think outside of the box
and have a realistic understanding of the why's and how's involved.

and i saw myself!
lately I've begun to notice how the older I get, the more I regress into my childhood.
I was reminded of this while playing football with my cousins tonight in my parent's
garage. It was already 10p, so we couldn't exactly play outside.
They youngest, who is 6, threw the ball and teased "ha ha you can't catch!"...and made an ugly face
while sticking out his tongue.
My mom, dad and I just died of laughter.
And I just thought to myself, "hey! I just did that to my bf a few days ago!"
hehehe...boy was I taken aback!

it has been very grounding to spend time with my cousins.
even my parents are in a different, happier, lighter mood.
they are so into entertaining them and making sure they are taken care of.
I guess they miss doing that since my brother and I are old geezers now
and live on our own.
There's no more children to keep them company in their big old house.

It is times like this when I wish they had grandchildren to dote on and love.
It is times like this when I wish I could deliver on the grandchildren part of that sentence.
...because my parents have been so good to me
...and because i know it would make them soo happy.
It would be the ultimate reward for all of their struggles in raising my brother and i.

and then reality hits,
and I remember and realize that children are not prizes to be won.
they are not meant to be brought into this world just for the sake of
ending someone's loneliness.
they are not for us to have, but rather for us to take care of and guide.

I know this much, but....
I still dunno the answer to the question: "why have kids?"