this one's for Chi2
'just got off AIM w/ my cousin, Chi Chi. I'm usually not on it, so
it was such a treat to be able to connect with her for a little while.
CHI: sorry for keeping you up! thanks again for the cool conversation! :)

it always amazes me how similar we are when it comes
to our outlook and perspectives on life. It is just so trippy because we
grew up oceans away from one another and are 7 years apart.
And being able to process our family stories together continues
to help me understand it all...dramas and happy stuff..and helps me grow.


we talked a little bit about religion and spirituality...and confusion about it.
to be honest, I'm still in a growth process with it all.
I'm still learning about what's out there and haven't accepted
any one thing as law about our existence
or have accepted one set of rules to live by.

essentially, I was baptized in the Roman Catholic faith...
went through catechism (bible school), had my first communion,
experienced being in a Catholic youth group and went to day-long prayer events.
This is actually where I truly found my connection w/ God...the place
where I became a spiritual person. I found so much strength in this...
I was so uplifted, so humbled, so secure. I could honestly feel God's
presence in my life...it was such a strong feeling that came from the
depths of my soul. It is something that I still feel to this day.
Finding my spirituality is the one good thing I got from Catholicism.

But Catholicism had always been spoon-fed to me. I was never taught to
challenge or question it...the only thing emphasized was the concept of "blind faith".
Then, I just got tired of going to church. It became this thing I HAD to do.
And worse, my parents just got angry with me and gave me guilt trips for not going...
mistake #1!...which pushed me even farther away from being a practicing Catholic.

When I got into college, I started learning more about my Pilipino history
...and how our Spanish colonizers used Catholicism to enslave us
(we still use it today to control/enslave eachother).
To add to this, I would see 'religious people' on TV who twisted the words
of The Bible to justify their racist and sexist beliefs. That's when my eyes
began to open a little wider...

I've gone through several arguments with my parents about not going to church.
I just get shunned every time...well, except for this one time:
My father...he's a really sharp/smart man...he told me how he read many books
about different faiths when he was younger in his quest to find out if there really is a God.
He does this with everything...he loves information and researches like a mad man! ;)
Anyway, he told me that in his readings, the one thing he learned was that
there IS a God. And he challenged me to do my research before resting
on my current conclusions about religion.

I really, really appreciated that, because the number one thing that absolutely
drives me AWAY from Catholicism (or any religion for that matter )is when people
automatically ostracize/look down on you
for not practicing it the way it is supposed to be practiced. Take for example going to
church every Sunday...i never really believed this was necessary. It was more
important for me to be a good person and to practice THIS daily vs. going to church religiously.
But my mom simply gave me guilt trips for this instead of help me process it.
And eventually, I lost my religion.

Like Chi Chi, I felt pretty lost, too. 'Wasn't too clear on where to go to for guidance.
Praying was wierd. Sitting in church for mass was wierd...everything was just
different.

So, I went through lots of thought processes and conversations on this subject,
especially through my interactions with people, things I see on TV,
my relationship with one of my aunts (who practices the Brahma Kumari faith),
things I've learned about the native american spiritual tradition. And I believe my eyes
opened a little wider...

I STILL believe it is more important to be a good person everyday than to go to church every sunday.
I figure it is more powerful to give thanks to God by emodying his/her/its goodness through the
way I treat others and how I live/make use of my life.

I am inspired by the Native Americans' spiritual tradition and often wonder
what Pilipino culture would be like if the spiritual traditions
of my indigenous ancestors survived colonial rule.

I don't trust man when it comes to interpretations of The Bible...or of
who God is, or how to be the best darn Catholic, etc,no matter
how well-intentioned they are. There's just so
much room for error and personal bias.

I haven't done my book research to find God, as my dad had suggested.
But strangely enough, I eventually came to a place where I didn't as feel lost as I
used to with not having a religion
(maybe a little left out sometimes, but not lost ;) ).
I'm actually ok with it now. i think i would be more freaked out if i stopped believing in God.

Tonight, I kept thinking about why this is...and the one thing I've come to
realize is that perhaps God has shown me who she/he/it is through
the good people they have blessed me with...people who
are doing great things for the community and who have values
that imbibe MORE than just "doing good", but rather in fighting for
equality in all forms through their actions.
Maybe this is true, because I have found
so much of my strength and inspiration from these people: my ex-co-workers, community
activists i have connected with and those friends who just keep a critical eye on the world.
Perhaps this is my way of experiencing/finding strength in God.

Maybe it also has to do with where I am in my life...my level of
confidence and belief in myself. Although, I've still got lots of
stuff to work on, I've never felt more comfortable with myself
than I do at this very moment. it is a level of acceptance
that has taken much struggle to get to.

But more than anything, perhaps I don't need a religion to guide me
because my spirituality and faith in God sustains me and gives me
perspective. Perhaps that guidance also comes from the friends and family that
God has blessed me with, which I mentioned above. Perhaps it also comes
from the things I see/experience/hear in my everyday journeys, which
I believe God puts in my way for a purpose
...because maybe there is more than one way to
experience God than practicing all the tenets of one religion.
Besides, there are so many religions out there to get perspective from.
I guess it's just like life...there's more than one way to live it.

For the most part, I am still in growth mode with all of this.
I don't really have any definitive answers to anything, but I've
really gotten a lot out of the process of getting to those answers.
I must admit, though, that my "connection" with God isn't as solid as it was before.
Because I've become more open-minded about who God could be, sometimes I feel
confused when I pray...I don't know who or what to picture in my mind.
For a little while it was also kinda wierd saying the "Hail Mary"
because I would question whether or not she really existed since i didn't have much
faith in Catholicism.

But I think I've been able to come to terms with this confusion. I simply continue
to picture the same images when I pray and say the same prayers, because it is what helps
me to get to that "place" in my soul where I can connect with the "folks upstairs".
It is hard to un-learn something I've done for over 20 years, so why change it if it
still helps me connect with God?

Also, although I do not practice any religions, I certainly respect people who do....
as long as they don't try to impose their views on others,
ostracize/shun people for not being like them,
or plain and simply disrespect others.
Everybody processes life differently, so if religion is what you need to do that,
then I can respect that.

Whew!
wow. this was a long one, huh?!
It felt good to process this here. even though I've come to terms
with all of this, it's not that easy to explain...
especially to my mom (and even my dad sometimes)
who are like hardcore Catholic folk.
my mom doesn't even believe in evolution...
(that's another blog for another time! I may need to open up another blog spot for that one! hehehe! ;) )

in any case, I'm still learning, and I know it will take me a lifetime
(and then some) to find all the truths imbedded in this topic.
But regardless, I believe we each have our own unique journeys
in finding the answers to our questions about this. And the one
thing I know is that it is all about the journey itself.

...the answers are simply the icing on the cake.