4:37p

splitting headache
never again will I try to sleep overnight with my bf
on our x-tra twin bed!
I was all cramped in between him and the wall trying not
to fall in the fat gap in between the wall and the mattress!
UGH!
My body was all contorted, which left me with 2 numb shoulders,
aching back, an aching neck, and my favorite....a splitting headache.

'finally got rid of my symptoms just a few minutes ago.
thank goodness my little nap worked, but now it's almost the end of the
day and I haven't done a thing!
I really hate that.

some sunshine through the clouds
It was good to get all of that off of my chest in my last entry.
Re-reading it today makes me think more clearly about where I am at.
Everything I expressed was real, especially my frustrations with our society.
A part of me was thinking today, though, that perhaps I was displacing some of
my anger because of my frustrations with some bad choices I've made.

And then I thought some more and realized that
maybe it is just me still struggling to find balance between
living with my values amidst those that pervade typical capitalistic american society.
Cause sometimes I find myself continuing to buy into the very
things I am against.
It's like trying to un-learn years of brainwashing or something.
And sometimes, I forget to catch myself in those situations
and it later leaves me dazed and confused until I get pissed off enough
to see what is really happening.

But I am still convinced that there is a way for me
to live out my truths without succumbing to the evil forces of our capitalistic society.
I know that there is a way for me to "work to live" rather than "live to work" as my cousin so eloquently put it.
I guess I just need to get more creative. Not in a bad way, of course!
Nevertheless, keeping one's integrity is such a hard thing to work towards sometimes.
but if it wasn't challenging, I guess life would be too boring to live.

some more clarity
also realized today that I'm going to take more control over my
destiny.
'not gonna let the whole thing with my new job get me down.
instead, 'gonna keep on looking for alternative solutions.
no need for me to sit here and let their delays in opening dictate my course in life.

hmm...I think this will be my challenge for 2003.
Whenever I think about what this year will bring, I've always seen uncertainty.
It's very different from my premonitions of 2002...I KNEW in my heart that 2002 would be a good year for me.
For 2003, I see struggle and lots of challenges for myself.
But I'm definitely not afraid of it.
'Gonna face it head on...whatever life brings me.
Besides, it's about time I get out of "unemployment/vacation" mode and discover what else I'm about.